Thursday, December 8, 2011

Back to the beginning

WARNING: This post contains a few things that could offend those not interested in themes of a potential sexual nature. I have tried my best to keep things relatively tasteful, but if something offends you, don't blame me. I try to keep names out of the picture, so people don't know who I'm referring to and I try not to push things too far, but sometimes, I can only do so much when there's a point to be made. You have been warned!

I was sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing, when my brain decided to take a trip down memory lane. I was remembering bad things, such as the hell I went through during my grade school life. I was remember good things, like the the year I woke up to a Super Nintendo for Christmas. My mind was all over the place.

But then, something crazy happened--I started thinking about my first real relationship. From the early days of our first encounter in an AOL chat rooms, my mind played out the entire relationship within' a matter of seconds. I literally remembered everything I'd been through during that period of my life. Some of it was absolutely amazing, while other parts were downright fucked up, but ultimately, that relationship is part of my life and I will never forget or reger those days.

The memory that has always stood out the most was our first real date; it was such a fairytale. No one could have predicted what would eventually become a night that both of us will remember for the rest of our lives, for sure.

It all started when Mom offered to take the family on a quick one day vacation to the surrounding area near her location. The road trip itself was decent and Mom even bought me two new CDs at a Best Buy on the way, which I listened to multiple times throughout the journey to and from the hotel.

When we arrived at our destination, which I believe was called the Mcintosh Hotel, we hung around for a short while and did a whole lot of nothing. I got in touch with my ex, finalized our plans and made sure I was ready for the night. I had no idea what to expect and back then, I was as shy as they come. If you compared the way I am now to the way I was back then, it's as if I am literally a different person. Hell, I'm involved in various forms of PR now, while I could barely gather the courage talk to a person I did not know back then.

Anyway, after waiting for a short while, we went out to the mall and I waited with my family for my ex to show up. It was a test of my patience, for sure. I was nervous, shaking, terrified; all of that good stuff. Crazy thoughts were running through my head and I had absolutely no idea what to talk about, how to greet her or what to say to her friends. I was a complete wreck in the back of my mind, but I tried my best not to let it show.

Eventually, she showed up and I was floored. At the time, I thought there was no living creature as beautiful as she was. In that moment, my heart started racing, my blood pressure started rising and I felt like I had been locked in place with that missing piece of my personal puzzle. It was truly a moment that I will never forget; the first time I really felt the injection of Love. It was one hell of a rush, but I was still locked up like a fortress, so no one else knew what was going on inside this crazy mind of mine.

So, my family split up and I wandered off with my ex and her friends. We started talking casually and a few cheesy things were said. It was all like the beginning of a crazy romance comedy. The shy guy with social anxiety matched up with the sexy socialite on a family road trip, which all started through a chance encounter on the internet. Yep, it was definitely like that. In fact, I should write a damn script. But I degress, as it gets even more ridiculous.

After meeting up with the majority of her remaining friends, the rest of them wound up veering off to do other stuff for a short while. When that happened, my ex and I finally started making phyiscal contact by holding hands and getting close outside of Hot Topic. She had to make the first move because I was just that shy. Had she not done so, I'm not even sure that I would have made a move. The extent of my introversion was mindblowing.

When we finally got over the whole initial physical contact thing, we found ourselves at the movie theater, where we chose to see the movie "Momento", which, to this day, is one of my favorite movies of all-time, despite not having watched much of it that night. I had very good reason for missing out on most of the movie, as my ex took it upon herself to introduce me to the concept of kising. That's right. My first kiss happened during the first day we met, during our first date, in the middle of a movie theater. And it was amazing.

Now, I'm pretty sure I was no good at kissing because I'd never done so, but it sure did feel great. There was an explosion of emotions all over the place. My body was tingling. I was starting to open up. She had removed the chains that bound parts of me that I didn't even know existed. Of course, I felt that whole fireworks thing and did not want to let go of her.

We were making out, staying close and trying to get closer. Nothing could stop us. But then, out of nowhere, the movie projector shut off and the lights went out. Something had happened that no one could have predicted. We were all surprised when we discovered that the power went out, but the employees distributed free movie passes and sent us on our way. Everyone else was upset, but my ex and I? We definitely didn't care.

Outside, as we stood waiting for her ride, it was pouring down raining. It was so cold, she was shivering. But, being the cheesy guy I am, I stood there, holding her and shielding her from the rain. I took the weather blast like a champ, just so she wouldn't have to. And in that moment, the reality of the situation really hit me. I was in love and nothing else mattered.

When her ride showed up, I barely said anything until we showed up to the hotel. As I left the car, I definitely left a fart for her friends and lied about it. I rarely lie about my gas, but I was trying to avoid looking like a jerk and I couldn't help it. It literally just... happened. Inside, I was both laughing at myself and beating myself up, but it didn't stop it. No one really cared, despite them saying something to me and questioning the act.

Inside of the hotel, we met up with my family, who then left us alone for a short while. This, ladies and gentlemen, is where the magic happened. I will come straight out and say it: We did not have sex. We did make out a bit and we were going to attempt it, but I was so nervous that it didn't happen. I couldn't keep it up, if you get my drift. I just wasn't ready to make that jump. I mean, it was my first night with a real woman laying in my arms and she was already taking her clothes off and trying to jump my bones, but I couldn't get myself up. I thought something was wrong, but after clearing my head and taking a quick potty break in the bathroom, I realized that I was NOT ready for that at all.

So, we just continued laying together. We enjoyed the company and just continued falling even deeper in love. When my family arrived, we rushed to get dressed and headed out to the car, where Mom proceeded to take her home while I sat in the back seat like a little puppy dog going to the pound. I KNEW she was about to be taken away from me until I could see her again and my heart was not happy about that at all.

And so, my first real date, which was full of crazy first experiences, was at an end and my family left, only to head back home in the morning. It was a very fun experience and one that I will never forget, even if things did not end so well in the long run.

Since then, I've had a ton of great experiences. A few ended with a mutual understanding, while others involved me getting screwed over. While it can hurt to remember any of those experiences, including things dating back to even my pre-teen life, it also helps me to remember that I'm a strong person. I made it through all of those things and I'll damn well make it through a whole lot more. My life isn't over yet and I refuse to give up that easily. Depression may have a tight grip, but it cannot keep me down forever.

I'd like to close this post with these words: Life is full of experiences. Some are amazing, while others will tear you down. A few will start off wonderful, then turn around and kick you where it hurts, stripping that smile from your face. But in the end, those experiences create us from the ground up and ultimately, define who we are. You may not be able to choose everything that happens to you throughout life, but when you do make a choice, try not to regret it, no matter how bad it may be. You are who you are. Keep it that way.

Good night.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Temporary optimism

Days like this definitely help to put a positive spin on things. My perspective shifts from rock bottom to the highest point of the tallest mountain, even if only for a single day.

Today, I spent time hanging out with someone that I rarely see in person. We were originally supposed to just spend a few hours at the mall, so she could get some Christmas shopping. After were done, however, we spent a good hour and a half in Red Robin, then we came back to my place and played Rock Band 3 for 6 hours. That's right. 6 HOURS. And it was amazing!

Now, I don't typically play any single game for that long in a single sitting and honestly, I kinda' get bored of Rock Band in general after an hour or two, tops. But this time? We rocked out from 11pm to after 5AM and no one had a single complaint. The entire thing was pure fun and everyone ended the night on a happy, satisfying note.

Also, one of my friends helped me out by doing something that I straight up said I didn't have the balls to do--He removed the wasp nest from my window, which has been in this for many years. He did it without a hitch. Nothing remains and not a single wasp attacked, thanks to the cold weather killing them off for the season. As an added bonus, the (broken) air conditioner has been taken out, which leaves plenty of room for this huge window to let the cold air in. Since the heat is always on full blast, that's a very much needed winter blast. Otherwise, I'll end up burning up all day.

From here, seeing as I really don't have a whole lot else to say at the moment, it's time to wind down and get into bed; hopefully before the sun completely rises. But I will say this: I really hope that I get to spend more time like this with the people that I care about. It sucks being the odd man out or just outright being blown off. And hell, sometimes, I feel like I'm just not cool enough or important enough. But days like this prove me wrong; At least, in my own mind.

And for the record, I miss quite a few people right now. Hopefully the holiday spirit will bring us all together. Hell, maybe I'll get lucky enough for my friend from California to come visit. Or maybe I'll get rich and afford to pay her a visit! (Riiight.. I wish! Haha)

Anyway, good night ladies and gentlemen! Have a great day!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Best Wii Games

I'm going to keep this simple. As the title implies, this is a simple list of my favorite Wii games. There are quite a few games here, spanning across multiple genres and even into downright weird territory. Whether you simply don't know what's out there or even if you're a Nintendo hater, this is what I would consider to be the definitive list, multiplatform games included. I hope this list can be of some use and if not, well, don't blame me! You chose to read it, remember?!

Here comes the list!

Animal Crossing: City Folk
Arc Rise Fantasia
Babysitting Mama
Bit.Trip Complete
Boom Blox
Boom Blox Bash Party
Broken Sword: Shadow of the Templars (Director's Cut)
Bully: Scholarship Edition
Cake Mania: In The Mix!
Call of Duty 3
Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
Call of Duty: Black Ops
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
Call of Duty: World at War
Castle of Shikigami III
Castlevania Judgement
The Conduit
The Conduit 2
Cooking Mama: Cook Off
Cooking Mama: World Kitchen
Crazy Machines
Cursed Mountain
de Blob
de Blob 2
Dead Space: Extraction
Disney's Epic Mickey
Donkey Kong Country Returns
Donkey Kong Taru Jet Race (Japanese)
Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3
Dragon Quest Swords: The Masked Queen and The Tower of Mirrors
Fatal Frame 4: Mask of the Lunar Eclipse (Japanese[English Patch available])
Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn
Geometry Wars: Galaxies
Goldeneye 007
Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus
The House of The Dead 2 & 3 Return
The House of The Dead: Overkill
Jewel Quest Trilogy
Just Dance
Just Dance 2
Just Dancd 3
Just Dance Summer Party
Kirby's Epic Yarn
Kirby's Return to Dream Land
The Last Story (Japanese)
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
LEGO Batman
LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4
LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures
LEGO Indiana Jones 2: The Adventure Continus
LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean
LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga
LEGO Star Wars III: The Clone Wars
Little King's Story
Lost in Shadow
Luxor: Pharaoh's Challenge
Manhunt 2 (Uncensored patch available)
Mario Kart Wii
Mario Party 8
Mario Power Tennis (New Wii Play Control)
Mario Super Sluggers
Metal Slug Anthology
Metroid Prime: Trilogy
Metroid: Other M
Mini Golf Resort
Minna no Rhythm Tengoku (Japanese)
Monopoly Streets
Monster Hunter 3
Mortal Kombat Armageddon
Muramasa: The Demon Blade
Mushroom Men: The Spore Wars
New Super Mario Bros. Wii
No More Heroes
No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle
Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers
Pikmin (New Wii Play Control)
Pikmin 2 (PAL region; New Play Control)
Pinball Hall of Fame: The Williams Collection
Rabbids Go Home
Rajirugi Noa Wii (Japanese)
Raving Rabbids Party Collection
Raving Rabbids: Travel In Time
Rayman Origins
Red Steel 2
Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition
Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles
Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles
Sam & Max: Season One
Sam & Max: Beyond Time And Space
Samurai Warriors 3
Shiren The Wanderer
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories
Sin & Punishment: Star Successor
Sonic and the Black Knight
Sonic and the Secret Rings
Sonic Colors
Sonic Unleashed
SpongeBob's Truth or Square
Super Mario All-Stars
Super Mario Galaxy
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Super Paper Mario
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Taiko no Tatsujin Wii (Japanese)
Taiko no Tatsujin Wii: Dodoon to 2 Daime! (Japanese)
Taiko no Tatsujin wii: Minna de Party 3 Daime! (Japanese)
Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World
Tatsunoko vs. Capcom: Ultimate All-Stars
Trauma Center: New Blood
Trauma Center: Second Opinion
Trauma Team
Ultimate Shooting Collection
Valhalla Knights: Eldar Saga
Wario Land: Shake It
WarioWare: Smooth Moves
We Love Golf!
Wii Fit
Wii Fit Plus
Wii Party
Wii Play
Wii Play Motion
Wii Sports
Wii Sports Resort
Xenoblade Chronicles (PAL region; Full English voices and text)
You Don't Know Jack
Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
Zumba Fitness

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

No luck

As I look around me, I see others reaching their goals. I see people with amazing luck. I see proud families supporting their own. The world around me is filled with positive results and plenty of reasons to be optimistic, yet I sit here quietly sobbing because I'm so damn jealous.

I cannot so much as keep a simple job because there's always a problem that's literally out of my hands. I get fucked over every single time something starts going my way. I just cannot comprehend this. It's like there's a force working against me at all times. I cannot escape.

As a result, I have come to the conclusion that I will never have luck when I need it. Don't get me wrong here; I have luck, but it's always with the little, unimportant things that make no difference in the overall scheme of things. I'm thankful for what luck I have, but a little luck with the important stuff would be very welcome right now.

All I need is the money for my license, a cheap car and some nice clothes to expand my job scope infinitely. The problem is, until that point, I have to stick to jobs in the local vicinity until I get the money and time to get said things, which is proving to be damn near impossible with my (terrible) luck.

I cannot completely give up hope, but I have to say that my patience and will are both fading away more and more with each passing day. I don't know how long I'll actually be able to last before I lose what's left of my mind.

Is there anyone out there that can at least offer a shoulder to lean on? Even a simple hug will do right now.

I have to go. The demons are getting too close for comfort...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

Today is Thanksgiving. On this day, us Americans are meant to give thanks for what we have and ignore the problems of yesterday in an attempt to share great food and socialize among good friends and family. Traditions are formed, tons of food is consumed and in some cases, massive amounts of alcoholic beverages are downed all day long.

Now, it's true that I've been through a lot this year, but there are indeed things to smile about. Aside from the general stuff, such as the fact that I am currently still breathing, there's one thing in particular that I consider to be the most important thing that has happened to me in the year 2011: The many new friends that I've made. I already have trouble imagining what life would be like without those people!

So, I say to my friends and family, old and new: Eat up, drink up and enjoy one of the best days of the year. Without you, life just wouldn't be the same. I love you all! And to all of you that are no longer with us, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, too. We will forever cherish our memories with you. Rest in peace.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Not bad

When I woke up today, I honestly thought I'd have nothing to do. I pretty much assumed that I'd be alone and depressed until exhaustion settled in. Suffice it to say, I was wrong.

My day started off relatively tame. I basically spent most of my time from 3pm-5pm on the internet doing a whole lot of nothing while I talked to a few people. But after that, one of my friends decided to make the awesome choice to invite me out to Cici's Pizza. Of course, I accepted, which led to a fun time, plenty of good food and when we went home, Modern Warfare 3 for several hours.

When we logged onto Xbox Live, two other people hopped aboard and joined us for our virtual mass murder. We all did relatively well, although we all had some pretty bad matches thrown into the mix, as well as our fair share of campers and lag hackers. Either way, fun was had and laughs were shared.

Now, I sit here reflecting on a few things while I mess around in the ridiculous city of Steelport in Saint's Row: The Third, which brings me to the overall point of this short post. As crazy as it sounds, this game helps me out quite a bit. It forces me to remember one key fact of life: Life is crazy, but what's the point without a little fun, even if "fun" is just virtually beating people with a dildo bat for a few moments? As they say in Zombieland, "Enjoy the little things."

Of course, this all means that, for the moment at least, I'm okay. I can definitely feel the demons crawling into my head, but maybe I can beat them just this once. And if not, I'll be back...


Today, I was told that I should write more. While I've heard this before, the person that said this is someone that I respect a great deal. She seems as picky as I am when it comes to the whole writing thing. She's as intelligent as they come and as such, her words on the subject were more powerful than most.

Now, after watching a movie starring Kevin James and Vince Vaughn, as well as an episode of "Doogie Howser", I still cannot sleep. It's the perfect time to take her advice and release a small bit of my ever-growing madness.

To start, you may already know that I've been focusing heavily on death. I already touched bases with the subject yesterday, but there are two primary scenarios that have been replaying in my mind almost constantly. In both scenarios, people close to me pass away. Scenario A is the passing of either or both of my living parents, while Scenario B is my own passing. While there are other scenarios that come to mind, those are the two that have not stopped picking away at my sanity.

Yes, I realize that these things are natural. I also understand that I may be going overboard by dwelling on such a morbid and depressing subject. However, I feel as though there is no way to control these demons. I can't help but think of how meaningless my death will be to most people. I cannot shake the feeling that I will die alone. But on the other side of the same coin, life without my parents is going to be very different.

Call me crazy, but given the fact that my family and I have been together quite literally my entire life, it's hard to imagine how I would survive without them. While I am driven to the edge nearly every day due to their antics and discouraging words, they do indeed provide for me. When I have no income, they pay my bills. They put a roof over my head and yes, they feed me. They provide my sister and her kids with everything they have. We would not currently have cable, phones or the internet without my parents. There would be no power, food or even a home. As it stands, I feel as though I would not even have a place to go.

I am not proud of this. It hurts to feel like such a loser. I was never even taught how to use a mop until I worked at Wawa because my parents did almost everything for us growing up. To this day, Mom does laundry because it's a part of her routine. She handles most of the cooking and shopping. She hands me money from time to time if I'm too broke to do things. She makes sure our family has a great Christmas, even when we're broke. And that's just a small portion of what Mom does.

Dad drives us all insane, but he works 8-12 hours almost every single day and is on call almost all of the time. Why? To pay for all of this stuff, straight down to the random crap our household craves. If Mom wants coffee, he buys it. If I want Mountain Dew for MW3 XP, he pays for it. If we're hungry and it's decided that we're getting carryout or fast food, he doesn't hesitate to cover the costs. As annoying as he is, he is generally a good man that does his best to take care of his (big) family.

Despite the fact that they don't typically hesitate to do these things for us, it never ceases to make me feel like a worthless piece of junk. It always seems like the world is laughing at me, even though most people don't have a clue. I cannot afford to pay my own way and finding a (secure) job is proving to be very difficult. Even then, finding a way to actually survive off that amount of money is another difficult task in itself.

As it stands, no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape. I have good luck with trivial things, but the worst kind of luck with everything that actually matters. And at the end of the day, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. And even if I made that choice, I'm not so sure I'd make the trip unscathed, if I were to survive at all.

As the end of 2011 draws near, I grow to the age of twenty-eight. Almost three full decades of life on Earth and I still have not found any sort of real stable career, I've only held two "normal" jobs and I don't even have my license. And the worst part? I feel like things will never change, regardless of whatever attempts I may make.

Will I ever succeed?

For now, I bid you adieu. Good night, whoever you may be.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Late night/early morning panic attack


Such a powerful word. It's all around us. Even in life, we are simply on course for the inevitable fade to black.

Why, then, are we here?

Some would argue that a higher power has some sort of plan for each and every one of us, while others will tell you that we simply exist.

To me, life and death coexist simply as parts of the same cycle. I see no need to debate what happens prior to or after life. What matters is the here and now, as the saying goes.

That said, my current direction seems non-existent. Circumstances change. What was once an awesome job with potentially amazing benefits turned out to be a place of hatred and ignorance. Or if we go farther back, what was once a fantastic relationship turned out to be one of the most painful breakups in my personal history. Parts of my life were ripped apart, piece by piece. Other parts remain completely unchanged. But there are indeed those areas of potential growth, which can both inspire me and tear me down all at once.

It's a fact that I've never been able to completely overcome my depression, but lately, the highs and lows are quite extreme. I can literally go from "Cloud 9" to a black hole within' a matter of seconds. And it's not like there's always a good reason, either. Most of the time, my past just comes back to haunt me. Sometimes, I can't even explain myself. It's terrible. I can't stand it.

I have a few things to be happy about. There are a few small rays of hope keeping me active enough to avoid a total fit of depression. But really, my brain is not something I can just walk away from. When my mind wanders, it really wanders.

Laying in bed, I had a panic attack. As soon as it happened, my brain instantly thought of death. One thing led to another and I was in "What happens when X person dies? We may not get along, but life wouldn't be the same! Or what about my parents? My brother? My sister? Everyone has to go sometime! X person is getting old!"

Why does this happen? Is it normal to freak out and think about these things so often? Why can't I just shake these thoughts off and be happy?

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I have friends, but there's no one that would answer their phone and talk to me all night while I'm in this kind of state. And who would blame them? As I write this, it's nearly 6AM. People need sleep. That's life. But even during the prime hours of the day, my own family tells me it's nothing and sends me away.

In short, it sucks.

We all have baggage, but there has to be at least a temporary escape. I need relief and death is not an option.

The creeping feeling of loneliness sure doesn't help, either. It sucks being alone at weird hours during a panic attack.

I don't know where to go from here.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Major Changes

You know, I wrote this thing several times in my head. I even started writing a few times, but really, there's no way around it. I've been emotionally fucked up for a while and it's all because of the major changes that I've been dealing with over the past year. There has been a lot of death, abuse, heartbreak and a plethora of other things that are bad enough when singled out, but combined, they are one hell of an emotional force. As a result, I'm having a lot of trouble moving on.

When my brother moved out, it was only slightly weird at first, but now it's incredibly hard to deal with. We had our disagreements, but he was the one person in the house that I got along with enough to talk to and share laughs with on a daily basis. I still remember the many days when we would yell through the hallway to talk to each other. But those days are no more. I have to text or call my brother to talk to him and even then, it's not often that I get to spend time with him. I suppose I get to spend more time with him than anyone else, aside from his awesome girlfriend and daughter, so that's cool. But even still, it's a big deal. The entire situation here has changed as a result. I'm very happy for all of them and I know they'll have a great life together. I guess it comes down to one fact: I miss my little brother.

Of course, that's not all. Most of you know that I've had plenty of trouble with my ex-girlfriend. That would all be nothing more than a memory, but it's difficult to let go. I know many of you have been in this situation, so you'll understand where I'm coming from. When I wake up, I want to roll over and see her there. When I'm watching a movie, I wish she were cuddled up with me. And as much as I may deny it, plenty of things still remind me of her. Even right down to the video games I play. It's very problematic because she's hurt me quite badly in some very fucked up ways and I realize that things probably wont get any better, yet somehow, in the back of my mind, there's that little voice that keeps telling me to give her another chance. That voice doesn't stop. It's like there's some immense force driving me towards her, even though she's done nothing but hurt me.

Speaking of relationships, lady trouble is not the only issue I've had. While I have plenty of awesome friends, quite a few people that I once considered to be "besties" have come to use me as a last resort. Even some people that I once considered to be my closest friends have simply left me in the dust, like some kind of casual acquaintance. It's rather obnoxious and quite frankly, it's another push in the wrong direction.

And then there's the issue of money. I've been screwed over and as a result, several very good job opportunities have passed me by. No matter how qualified I may be, regardless of how amazing an interview may be and even if I call them several times to inquire about each position, I just can't find work. Not even minimum wage work for 8 hours per week. Not even something decent "under the table." It's starting to really kill me. I have no money to do anything, I can't afford to pay my own bills, I can't afford health insurance and I definitely can't begin to get my life back together until I manage to find some kind of work. And I know, "You'll find one eventually, Steve!" But the point is, I need a job NOW. Not "eventually." It's driving me fucking crazy and is ruining my life in a very literal sense.

Tack on my crazy and often demoralizing and demeaning family. Throw in a dash of insmonia. Finally, add tons of panic attacks for good measure. That's my life.

My life was moving uphill. I was getting everything together, climbing that ladder and really starting to plan out a bit of school to get into some "proof" of what I know, to put it lightly. I was feeling good about myself, despite my lack of time.

Within' a year, I had it and lost it all. Everything has changed.

What happens next?

Personally, I have no idea where to go from here. I'll just keep trying until something positive happens, but I'm a realist. I understand that there's no guarantee. That's exactly what scares me right now.

What happens when serious stuff happens, like the death of parents? I don't want that to happen; no one does. But it's an unavoidable fact of life and you can never truly be prepared for that sort of thing. We don't get along very often, but my life would seemingly not even work without them at this point in time.

There's a lot of terrifying stuff going on in my mind and I honestly wish I could afford a real shrink right now. I don't know if I just need someone to talk to every week or some magic anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills, but whatever the case may be, my brain is in a very bad place right now.

I'm going to stop writing for now and attempt to get some sleep. For now, good night.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Dead Island


                       !!!YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!


So, I've been caught in a crossfire lately. Some people say "Dead Island" is amazing, while others completely hate on it. Even the critics have a heavy bias, most of which seems to be based purely on first impressions and isolated issues.

This is where I put my foot down. I'm going to break the entire game down, piece by piece, and shed light on absolutely every aspect of this seemingly "love it or hate it" game because I'm tired of hearing such ridiculous claims based on what appears to be absolutely nothing.

It's time to cut the bullshit. Let's break everything down, bit by bit.


Almost the entire game is spent fighting groups of the undead using various melee weapons, ranging from hammers and wooden planks to machetes and hat stands. There are even katanas, although most of those seem to pop up only near the final portions of the game.

Guns do make an appearance, but there is only a small selection of firearms and ammo is scarce throughout most of the game. You can make your own ammo after a certain point, but you can only hold a small amount of ammo for each type of gun, which limits their overall usage.

There are a few parts of the game that involve slaughtering groups of humans. Most of the humans carry pistols, with a handful of them sporting assault rifles and shotguns. During these scenes, combat boils down to a series of rooms that feel like a dumbed down first-person shooter. Guns are clunky and aside from these scenes, relatively inefficient.

Molotov Cocktails and Grenades are also found here and there, but they can be just as harmful to the player as to the undead. There's also the possibility of completely destroying any survivors you may be escorting, as they tend to run into the still-burning flames.

I'd say the problem with the combat mechanics is a serious case of repetition. While there are new zombie types thrown into the mix from time to time, the game still boils down to spamming the left bumper and the right trigger with little to no actual skill involved. Throw in a weapon swap here and there to avoid broken weapons and you're pretty much done. That's the combat in a nutshell.

To elaborate on the idea of weapon durability, it's pretty much that simple. Weapons have a set number of durability points, which are drained every time a hit connects with an enemy. You can simply go to a workbench to repair weapons, which removes the need to constantly pick up new weapons in a pinch. And yes, it's true that completely broken weapons are far more expensive to repair, but money is such an easy thing to come by that it's almost a completely pointless argument.

On top of that, the death mechanics also take away the thrill of combat and really make this would-be difficult game a walk in the park. As it stands, death is just a minor setback. If you've played BioShock, you have a general idea of how death works in "Dead Island".

When you die, a timer counts down from 5 to 0. After the counter hits 0, you simply respawn at your last checkpoint and continue on your merry way. This would make the game a challenge, but there are checkpoints all over the place and the game leaves all enemies dead after you respawn. You can literally rush into a mob of enemies, kill a few, die, come back, rinse and repeat until they're all dead.

To be fair, you do retain your previous inventory status after respawning. If you used a grenade, it's gone. If you broke a weapon, it will still be broken. If you used all of your health packs, you guess it! They're gone, too! But this is barely a form of balance because the damage done by those lost items sticks. The game world stays persistent even after death.

So, to reiterate the point: This game would be hard as balls if death meant something, but as it stands, death means absolutely nothing. I understand allowing death as it is for players that prefer easy games, but there should be a toggle for players that want a real thrill. It's a shame that such a toggle doesn't exist, but there's always hope for a patch!

Much like "Borderlands", each of the 4 playable characters has a unique "Fury" mode, which allows them to do various things. Sam B., for example, goes into a fit of rage that allows him to punch enemies into the air, as well as regenerate extra health for every kill. His fists also gain a tremendous amount of damage during this mode.

These "Fury" abilities are unlocked using the skill system, but activating them requires the player to build up Rage, which accumulates by simply killing things, getting hurt and all sorts of other unlockable methods. When the Rage meter is filled, you simply hold down the appropriate button and go nuts. This can be a real lifesaver and really makes the game easy if you focus on building up the Fury skills early on.

Moving on, the final piece of combat in "Dead Island" is the stamina system. This is a basic idea that has been used in other games, so there's not a whole lot to explain. A bar pops up on screen every time you swing a weapon, as well as when you're sprinting. When the bar has been emptied, you must wait a few seconds to catch your breath before you can continue about your business. This adds a very small bit of micromanagement, but overall it's not a huge problem, since kicks drain absolutely no stamina and help to keep enemies at bay while you take a few steps back for 3-4 seconds.

[RPG Features]

There are a few basic RPG features tacked on for good measure, but I get the feeling that those things are far from necessary in this particular case. But even still, that's neither here nor there.

There's a level cap of 50, as well as a set of (mostly different) skill trees for each of the 4 playable characters. There's also a very basic loot system. Each of these mechanics comes together to form a system that comes very close to what "Borderlands" turned out to be.

Experience is gained from quests, kills and breaking limbs, just as in "Borderlands". You accept a quest, complete it, come back, turn it in, get your reward, rinse and repeat until the game is complete. Experience points eventually lead to a level up, which grants 1 skill point. Skill points are used to unlock various perks, which ultimately make your chosen character more capable of survival.

The skill trees contain things like health regeneration, increased inventory space, passive damage bonuses and the previously mentioned Fury talents. They're a nice addition, but aside from Fury, nothing is an absolute necessity. None of the Combat or Survival perks really make a huge difference, but they do give characters a slight (and very welcome) edge under pressure.

As for the loot system, it comes in the form of a very basic random stat/prefix design. When a weapon drops, the game generates a random set of stats within' the level range and modifies said attributes based on the prefix. For example, a "Toxic" prefix means lots of poison damage, while a "Heavy" prefix means a whole lot of extra bone-breaking power. This system allows for a bit of loot-whoring, but really there's not a whole lot of potential here because the best weapons are guaranteed quest rewards, which are set to your level. So, for example, if you hit the level cap of 50, then complete the quest for the best katana, it'll be the best version of the weapon in the game, which means you'll never need another weapon after you've upgraded it and tacked on your favorite weapon mod.

Speaking of which, weapons can also be upgraded and customized. Upgrades are simple (permanent) stat bonuses, which come in 4 levels. Most weapons come at level 1 and can be upgraded to level 4, each of which simply costs a random amount of money. The last level is always the most expensive, but also adds the highest amount of damage and the like.

Customization adds a prefix and custom design to the weapon. By finding a blueprint, gathering the materials and spending those materials with a small amount of cash, you can turn any weapon into a destructive powerhouse. The "Short-Circuit" mod, for example, is a very powerful lightning mod that adds heavy shock damage and a chance to completely paralyze (shock) enemies.

The visual changes are sometimes cool, but other times they look extremely "homebrew". That's the entire point, given that this game is supposed to be somewhat realistic, but it's hard to say, "THAT LOOKS AWESOME!" when a machete simply has 2 wires and a battery held up with some tape. In other cases, a spinning circle blade tacked onto a baseball bat, for example, are totally badass and a sight to behold.


This is going to be very brief, but I have to explain this because I've had a lot of questions from interested friends about this.

It's true that most of the game is spent on foot, but a good 10-15% of the game is spent driving around. It's a shame that this wasn't more varied because it's a fun little addition to break up the repetition from time to time.

There are only 3 real usable vehicles in the game: Trucks, Jeeps and an Armored Van. Of them, most of the driving time is spent in the exact same style of truck. Most of the time, the truck is going to be red or blue, but there are a few other colors here and there. For a few missions, there's an Armored Van. And for a specific sequence, there's a Jeep. That's it.

No cars. No exotic things. No helicopters. Not even cool skins or vinyls. It's just a solid color and a single type of truck.

And for the record, driving is simple. It's very unrealistic and the handling is far too good. Granted, this is not a racing sim, so it's to be expected. But I felt it necessary to point this stuff out to answer all of those questions.


I'm going to go ahead and say it, no bullshit: The story sucks. In fact, it's quite literally "Escape The Island" with a very small twist at the end, which anyone that has a brain can see coming from miles away.

But to sum the premise up, a group of people are on an island resort, a crazy zombie outbreak occurs and the 4 main characters meet up. When they meet up, they fight for their lives across 4 acts, 3 of which are very lengthy. They go from an island to a city, then into a forest and finally, a prison, which ultimately leads to their escape.

Not much happens during the major cutscenes, the ending sucks and yes, there's hope for a proper sequel, so long as Techland is up to the task.


There's a decent bit of variation, but due to the length of each area, the change of scenery gets old quickly. Plus, there are a ton of reused textures, buildings and character models. The same goes for weapons; most of them are just the same model, but with a different name. This even applies to vehicles, which was clarified above.

Overall, there's not a whole lot of variation, as the game really does boil down to "Go from point A to point B, killing stuff along the way and possibly accomplish a very basic task". Escort quests, gather quests and simply going from point A to point B are the bread and butter of this game.

As for the enemy variation, there are a handful of zombies and then there are humans. Zombies range from explosive "Suicidal" zombies to very fast "Butcher" zombies, while humans are either wielding a firearm or a melee weapon. And yes, things do start feeling very repetitious after a point due to the lack of variation, but the character models change depending on the area, which keeps things feeling a bit different as you switch between the various areas of the game.


The multiplayer is much like "Borderlands", but without the PVP and without the broken quest system.

There are 2 ways to play: Join another person or have someone join you.

Scenario 1: Someone joins you - You continue playing as normal, but with help. Your progress is saved. They do not gain any progress towards their single player game, but they retain all items, experience and rewards from their time playing with you.

Scenario 2: You join someone else - You drop out of your single player game and join them in their quest. All of their current quests are given to you, including any quests that you've completed. If they have it, you have it. You keep all experience, items, upgrades, rewards and everything else you obtain in these sessions, which are saved directly to your character for use in other single player/multiplayer sessions.

Clearly, the problem is that joining someone else means no progress for you. Even if you progress through quests you've yet to finish on your own, it does not save that progress to your single player game.

One important thing to note, though: If you reach a milestone, you do get your achievements. So if you clear an act, collect 120 objects, kill 250 enemies; whatever -- you still gain your achievements, regardless of whether or not you're online or playing solo.

This multiplayer system is a great way to play with and help out your friends, but if you're trying to progress through your own story mode, it's better to invite people to your game or simply play alone.


I can easily see people replaying this game to make one of each character at level 50, or even just hopping between games to play with friends. Still, after every achievement is collected and friends are done with the game, there will be no reason to come back. It just doesn't have the same fun factor as things like "Dead Rising".

Even with that in mind, assuming you're the type of player to complete the game as every character, it will take a minimum of 10 hours per playthrough, cutting out all sidequests and only rushing through the required things to finish the game each time. A whole lot more if you're intent on re-exploring the game in it's entirety each and every time.

If you're just trying to beat the game, I'd say a good 12-13 hours if you only do the bare minimum. It took me just under 20 hours and I completed every sidequest and did a fair amount of exploring, as well as a few "pause the game for 30 minutes" sessions, so I would assume that a good 6-8 hours could be cut off that time by skipping the extras, since there is quite a lot of that stuff to be experienced.


People have been complaining far too much about the visual quality found all throughout this game. It blows my mind. I think people are expecting more than the current generation of consoles can handle.

The resort is gorgeous, the forest is exactly what you would expect, the city looks exactly like I would imagine a run-down city would and the other areas, such as the prison, are equally well-made.

There are a few minor graphical glitches, but they are very rare. So rare, in fact, that I can only recall 1 particular instance, which only lasted for a few seconds. I could not recreate that glitch, either. And it was not game-breaking. It was just a weird cosmetic blemish in the ground that looked like pixelated grey blocks.

As for the actual texture quality, this game looks about as good as any other high-end console game. It wont match the power of "Crysis 2", "Killzone 3" or "Resident Evil 5", but considering the amount of content being dealt with, the "Chrome Engine 5" handles things very well.

If anyone tells you this game is ugly, punch them in the jeans. They clearly don't understand what "good graphics" are and probably expect everything to look like real life, in which case they should just go take a walk outside for a while.


At the end of the day, "Dead Island" is a great game, but it fails to meet the initial expectations based on the original gameplay footage, the trailers and the immense amount of marketing hype. It's a very fun experience that any zombie fan should delve into head-first, but don't expect the next big thing. This not the next big multiplayer zombie game and there are no groundbreaking features. It is exactly what it is: Dead Island.

Before I stop for the day, I need to say something else...

Do I think my opinion means more than your opinion? Definitely not. But if your opinion is not based on experience, I'll write it off. And if your opinion makes extreme claims that are not based on an actual bit of truth, you can proceed to suck a generous amount of dicks.

Sunday, September 4, 2011


Life comes with two guarantees: A beginning and an end. How your life plays out is, for the most part, your choice.

There's also a bit of luck, whether it be good or bad, but otherwise, you call the shots. No matter how you may think or what you may feel, you nearly always have a choice.

You are in control of your own life. There is no driving force choosing your course of actions. You have free will.

Now, all of that may seem pointless and rehashed, but there's a reason that I felt compelled to explain such basic concepts of life: Love.

Most of you know that I was in a relationship that started shortly after I met my ex-girlfriend. Her and I clicked immediately and fell in love. It was pure and innocent. The whole thing was wonderful. We felt like nothing could stop us and it showed. People even thought that we would get married someday, simply based on how happy we were. We never even had serious arguments.

Well, such a good thing had to come to an end. Say what you will, but I truly did not expect an end with her. I loved her deeply and I wanted nothing more than to take her as my bride and settle down. Far off in the future, of course. But even still, it was a nice thought.

Before I go on, please take note that I'm not going to sit here and write up everything that happened yet again, so please go back and check out older posts if you feel the need to catch up.

Anyway, after all was said and done, she kept pressing my buttons. She kept saying, but not doing. She kept barking, but not biting. She kept claiming that she was in control of her life, yet she had not done a single thing of her own free will. Her family owned her and they still do.

Yes, I know that may sound cruel, but it's the truth. She has a great relationship with her family, but it's to the point that she will not do anything without her mother's approval.

And of course, there was also the constant lies. I can not deal with the lies. There's a difference between lying and being a liar. She is a liar. It's the worst case of this I've ever encountered, even compared to good ol' Dan Gibson and a few choice others.

I do love her. Please do not make the mistake of assuming otherwise. However, I must stay away from her until that love has completely faded. I must move on. I cannot allow myself to be lied to, pushed aside and hurt constantly. I cannot allow myself to give in to her begging, only to be pushed down and hurt all over again each and every time.

That said, there comes a time when a relationship is damaged beyond repair. It sucks. It's unfortunate. But you know what? That's life.

I have to move on. I will move on. And while that love is still fading, I'm ready to face the world again while the rest of that leaves my system. It wont take forever, after all.

So, I say to you: I was dead inside, but now I'm alive. I had no desire to fight, but I have been reinvigorated. I was depressed far more than I ever had been, but I'm starting to enjoy life again. I have problems, but they will not pin me down forever. Things are rough, but life will get better eventually.

I was lost, but the fog has been lifted and I'm on my way back.

Fire in heart, heart in hand, fist clenched; I'm ready. Let's rock.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Empathy (Also a random series of updates)

I don't understand why people must be so difficult. Am I the only one with a sense of empathy anymore?

Sam stopped talking to me almost altogether. The few times I've attempted to talk to her, I received no sort of reply. I'm under the impression that there's an actual reason or multiple reasons for this, but she obviously has not informed me of this and I have no idea what could have happened. We were extremely close, then one day it felt like I was a stranger. I actually lost sleep over this one, given the fact that I was used to spending so much time with both L.J. and Sam. I was honored to be in their wedding and I absolutely loved spending time with them. To this day, I miss all of that and I find myself wanting to spend time with them. But somehow, there was something that put a stop to all of those good things and I guess I'll never know exactly what happened. Such is life, I guess. But to reiterate my point: Where's the sense of empathy? Why don't people have the decency to at least discuss things and then bury the hatchet?

Speaking of that, Emily has been acting like a total weirdo lately. No matter what happens, she can't seem to grasp the most basic concepts of love and life. I understand that we're over. I made that choice, but for very good reason. She does not seem to understand that, though. She hurt me very badly on several different occasions and has ripped me apart from the inside out. Still, she insists that we're meant to be. She doesn't understand that there's no way I'll ever be able to trust her after the things she's done. And yes, I admit that I retaliated a few times, but I never did one thing to directly harm her. I never once told a lie, nor did I spite her or do anything physically dangerous. I simply called her our and said some mean things. I genuinely did everything I could to make that girl happy. Regardless, at this point, there is no true hope for any sort of future with her. As much as I may care for her, I just cannot trust her anymore; not even a little bit.

But to change subjects for a bit, things are very different now that my younger brother is not here anymore. Technically there's not much different at home because he was already gone most of the time anyway, but the feeling is very different. I mean, I was raised with the guy. I haven't lived in a home without him until he moved in with Rita. It's just now starting to really sink in and while I know life goes on, things just feel different here at home and even though my family is crazy, I miss having my little brother around the house.

Speaking of family, life at home is as crazy as it ever has been. After the stuff that's happened recently, I'm at home most of the time. I keep myself busy, but I have no real sleeping schedule and I'm starting to feel lonely again. I basically play WoW and relax all day, but Danielle, Josh B. and Matt Z. help to make things a lot better overall. Despite how crazy and hurtful my family can be, I can generally laugh it off and have a good time because of my friends.

Also, this whole bad luck finding a new job thing, after getting screwed over with my other job opportunities, sucks. My actual finances are pretty much nonexistent at the moment. I need to find work soon or I'm going to end up in a rough spot. I'm having absolutely no luck finding work right now. Go figure that some dumb shit like that would happen to me, even after what I had lined up.

Now I need to talk about my girls for a minute.

First of all, Danielle is a California girl with one hell of a unique personality. She has her moments, but she's probably the only person in the world that has as fucked up of a personalized sense of humor as I do. She also has a big heart, even though she doesn't like to show it. While she's located across the country, she is still one of the best people I know

There's not much to say about Mandy because she's just that awesome. She has a very wild personality with a dash of sweetness and a pinch of silliness. I have a lot of fun talking to Mandy and I wish that I could spend more time with her. She's one of those people that I can easily see being friends with for a very long time.

Kristy is a name I think of frequently, but I have yet to hear much from her. She's an Australian girl that shares some history with me. Her and I bonded quite a lot and I'm actually worried about her. It's been months since I've even heard a peep from Kristy, which is obviously very unusual. I like to think she's just happy and having a good life, but there's always that little voice in the back of my mind that says, "What if...?" I hope I hear from her soon! I miss Kristy!

My medical issues have been very out of hand lately. One minute, I'm breathing fine and able to sleep like a baby. But then I'll start gasping for air with very bad results, sleeping very little, having tons of anxiety attacks and even feeling like I'm having a heart attack or something along those lines. I have allergies, asthma and anxiety, as well as a minor case of clinical depression. Throw in my absurd amount of physical Tourette's tics lately and some physical joint pain for good measure and you'll have a general idea of what's driving me nuts on the medical side of things.

I would write more, but I think it's bed time. I'm very tired and it's 4:47AM as I write this sentence. Perhaps I'll add to this later, but for now, good night.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


I don't quite understand why the most trusted people always turn out the be the ones that hurt you the most. Seriously. What the fuck?

Emily and I have been all the way through Hell and back at this point. Ultimately, our love prevailed, and we were slowly working our way towards a full recovery. I thought so, anyway.

The very first major problem was an ongoing issue. Her mother is a major control freak and simply would not let Emily go. But the real problem was with Emily. She simply wouldn't break away from that crazy behavior. She let her mother control her in every way. It was to the point that I couldn't see Emily unless her mother approved. It got so bad, in fact, that her mother would start claiming that Emily didn't love her and all sorts of other crazy things just because Emily wanted to spend time with me. Heck, by the ultimate end of our relationship, it even came down to, "As long as I'm alive, you will not stay with Steve."

So, as one would assume, this caused a massive amount of serious arguments between Emily and I. The resolution was a simple idea, in theory. All Emily had to do at the time was initiate a basic conversation with her mother and (nicely) inform her that she needs space. After all, Emily is a grown woman and should be allowed to control her own relationship. As expected, her mother would have nothing to do with such thoughts and even insisted that she had never attempted to control Emily's life. What's more, her mother swore up and down that everything she did was because God told her it was for the best. She would even ask Emily to ask The Lord and see what he says whenever she wanted to come over. Even when Emily played those games and did as her mother had asked, her mother still wouldn't stand for it.

So finally, shit hit the fan so bad that Emily and I were screaming at one another on a daily basis because nothing was getting done. Emily wasn't really trying to do anything to resolve the problem out of sheer fear for how her mother would react and the impact it had on our relationship was destroying us. We were never able to see one another and any time we did finally spend time together, her mother would ruin the entire day by calling or texting Emily and starting a serious argument. She would literally try to throw Emily into a corner and beat her down verbally, all while Emily gave in and just did whatever her mother said. She even agreed with all sorts of negative things her mother said just to end the argument. She would give in to her mother, ignore anything I said and allow her mother to control our relationship. It had become a 3-way relationship, as far as we were concerned. Her mother was the puppet master, forcing Emily to do her bidding until our relationship started to crack.

Eventually, her family and friends started noticing how upset Emily always was. Emily never explained exactly what was going on. She never stood up for herself. So, of course, everyone blamed me. They all assumed that I was simply being a jerk and that Emily was the only one who wound up sad every day. And because Emily did not tell people exactly what was wrong, everyone started trying to get her to end the relationship and eventually, she did. She started acting very cold towards me because other people told her to. Her feelings hadn't changed. She wanted to be with me. She was just too afraid to follow her heart because of how her mother is, basically. She doesn't like conflict and especially not when it involves her family, so she broke it off with me to avoid having to deal with more family issues. I am by no means trying to justify what she did, for the record.

What she did was fucked up. She refused to tell people the truth, didn't defend me at any point in time, refused to talk to her family about what was really going on and then broke up with me just to get away from those problems. I understand the motive here, but these problems will be a recurring theme throughout her life until she takes a stand and shows her entire family that she means business. She doesn't have to go crazy and destroy her family, but they need to know what's up, ya' know? I mean, her mom even threatened me several times and Emily just sat there and let it happen.

Oh, I forgot to mention the other half of that part of the story: She lied about everything. She claimed that she fell out of love with me, didn't want to be with me, etc. She denied every acusation that her family or friends were involved in her choice. She swore up and down that it was all her and that there was no other reason for what had happened aside from falling out of love with me. I found everything else out later from Emily herself, but you can imagine how hurt I was when she told me those things before I knew the truth. And how upset I was later when I found out that she lied and exactly what she had lied about.

Anyway, after all of that, we were going back and forth for a while, exchanging words nearly every day until I finally said "Fuck it." and dropped the subject. But after I gave up, she started begging me to talk to her again. It took about a week, but I finally gave in and started talking to her again. And you know, when I did, she showed some promise. She said that she would come over and spend time with me to see where things go and to talk about everything that had happened. But of course, as with everything else in this fucked up story, nothing went according to plan. In fact, she bailed out for 3 solid weeks until I finally gave up, which is when she started begging me to talk to her yet again.

After that, I gave in a few days later and she actually pulled through. We hung out, everything went great and we had lots of fun. We were back to normal. But as with the rest of this story, another fucked up thing happened: I woke up to a text from Emily saying that things didn't feel the same. She had said that we should stop talking and forget about trying to be together. As if once wasn't bad enough, this happened twice and it was almost the same exact situation over the course of 3 weeks.

So, after a while of arguing back and forth, ignoring Emily on and off and trying my best to just move on, we finally sealed the deal. We were back together and happier than ever. We were going places all of the time. She was staying over here constantly. We both made one another happy, aside from a small handful of stupid arguments. Nothing's perfect. I did have a hard time trusting her, after all that had happened, so it's to be expected. For a while, at least.

Throughout all of this recent relationship mumbo jumbo, she had been claiming that she talked to her Aunts and her Uncle. She went into all of this elaborate detail about the things that she had told them and about how everything was okay now. She told me that her mother was leaving her alone about things and that everything should be okay there, too. It seemed too good to be true, so I questioned it every time a piece of random evidence popped up. One time, I even checked her phone when I picked it up. The text screen was already up, so I looked at a message she received from her mother. She had said something about going to breakfast and stuff with other people; not me. And of course, when I questioned Emily about that, she yelled at me. She made me feel like shit for checking her phone. I've never checked another human being's phone. That's just not the kind of person I am. But regardless, just like every other time I questioned anything, she blamed me and said that I was wrong. She created these elaborate stories every time to cover her tracks. I was never right. I could never win. I was always the bad guy in these scenarios because I didn't trust her. She would even cry and throw a pity trip to make me feel worse. But of course...

I was right all along. We were on our way to Mega Media Xchange. I was going to sell a few misc. items that were just taking up space and then we were going to stuff our faces because we were both hungry as balls. But something crazy happened: We were crossing the street after getting off the bus, when her sister drove by with her Uncle, her Nephew and her mother. Emily walked up to the car, so I followed. We said hi and the traffic was starting to pick up, so we backed away and they drove off. This is where the most recent and most fucked up thing happened: Emily confessed, as we were walking across the street, that everything recent had been a lie, as well as all of the "conversations" she supposedly had with her family.

So, her family thought she was going other places this whole time. She was lying to all of them every time, all while she lied to me by telling me that they knew and that everything was okay. None of them knew the truth, but neither did I. She not only lied to me once, but also every single recent time that we were together. She looked me in the eye, lied to me, told elaborate made up stories to cover her tracks and even cried to make me feel bad for "not trusting her." And for the record, we had spent about 60% of our time together, if not more, during that period of time. So in short, her lies had been an almost daily event and she knew she fucked up.

But you know, this is what really gets me...

Had her family not drove by and saw us walking, I probably would have never found out. Or at the very least, it would have been at an even later date and in a different, but equally fucked up way. She would have kept lying until that chapter was closed or until she was found out in some other way. Talk about fucked up...

And for those of you that may be asking, "What was her motive? Didn't she love you?"

Well, supposedly her motive was the fact that she had assumed that we would not be able to have a relationship unless she hid it from most people. Instead of just taking control of her own relationship and following her heart openly, she lied to everyone, which in turn hurt everybody quite severely.

And of course, I'm confident that it's impossible for me to trust her ever again.

Who's to say that it's even worth the effort, anyway? If she can lie so easily and so frequently, she could do it all over again without any sort of notice, leaving me to deal with the aftermath of such destruction all over again.

Sad as it may be, honestly, I want to be with her. Regardless of how things have played out, this is love. You may call me stupid, but my heart chose her long ago.

However, I know it's an entirely stupid choice, so at this point, I will definitely avoid being with her. I will consider casual dates, hang out with friends and try to have a somewhat happy life until I finally get over Emily. That's the most I can do, although I'm not so sure how possible it is for me to just be happy right now. Eventually...

Believe it or not, this is a hard choice. My heart beats for Emily. I've never felt so empty before. And honestly, it's not like I haven't had my fair share of serious relationships. I just haven't felt this strongly about another human being. Ever. And at this point, I feel as though it's an incredibly big deal that I've found someone that I care this much about.

But still, as anyone would suspect, matters of the heart are not so easily dealt with and most of the time, impossible to understand. As such, I actually gave her one last chance to come clean and attempt to rebuild the relationship. But of course, things did not go so smoothly and thus, we are 100% finished.

She supposedly talked to her family, set the record straight with her mother and had planned to make a trip over here to talk about everything. As a side effect, her mother was supposedly incredibly furious. They even threw a surprise birthday party for her and did not even consider inviting me. In fact, Emily asked if I could drop by and her Uncle said no because it's too last minute.

Well, what the fuck? How is that fair? I didn't know about it. They handled it and invited everyone that showed up. I WAS NOT INVITED, despite Emily's supposed vocal outreach to her family. I would be lying if I said that I was not completely hurt by that.

Also, that happened today. That was the last stand. I can not deal with Emily or her family anymore. I tried. And tried. And tried. (AND TRIED!)

At this point, it's totally unrealistic to assume that anything positive could ever come from any sort of relationship with Emily.

And you know, while this is a whole different game altogether, a few recent things bothered me. Like, for example, her mother never replied when I sent her a text message directly asking her why she disliked me. I was not mean. I was very respectful and I told her that I miss Emily and that I love her.

Guess what she told Emily to tell me, instead of replying to my text?

She told her, with a very mean tone, that it would take too long for her to text all of the things she dislikes about me. What is that shit? I NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG TO THAT WOMAN! I tried to be as nice as possible and even went out of my way to do things for her and the rest of Emily's family! It's so fucked up!

I don't know why everything turned out this way. I can tell you one thing for sure, though: Emily changed. She used to be the most amazing woman in the world. But it was like she had become the total opposite type of person overnight and now, I don't know what to think of her or her family. I'm confused, still depressed and not entirely sure how to proceed. I mean, we did everything together. We were a happy couple. We did a few things in the bedroom that I never expected. We saw movies and shared deep laughs. We playfully tickled and wrestled with one another. We laid in each other arms through the night and woke up to each other's smiling face. We were even able to bathe together in a completely innocent and loving way.

What the hell happened to my Emily? I'll never know what happened to cause such a drastic change, but I'll never forget the girl I fell in love with.

While this may be the end, I love you, Emily Ann Dean.

From here, I guess the only way to proceed truly is the only way to proceed. Someday, I'll be whole again.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


So, I'm not entirely sure what to make of life. There honestly isn't any other way to sum things up right now as far as I'm concerned.

There's much on my mind, but the first and foremost issue is that of my ex-girlfriend. While it's true that we broke up "for good" recently, we have been on speaking terms. We have spent a small amount of time together and we have managed to be happy during said time together.

BUT, as with all seemingly good things, here's one "small" problem...

Lack of trust.

I'm afraid of any possible outcome. I don't even trust the most basic words that come from that girl's mouth. It's to the point that I even doubt her daily stories about her basic routine. It's sickening and I don't really enjoy such feelings, but she begged me to the point that I felt as though I had no choice but to let her back in, even if only for a brief period of time.

The thing is, this girl has straight up admitted what she's done wrong. She knows what she did and she feels horrible about the whole situation. She even claims that she's going to prove me wrong, regardless of how little I trust her. That's not saying much, of course, as far as I'm concerned; still, it is what it is.

The simplest way to explain this: I'm stuck between my heart and my brain.

On one hand, my heart is crying out for her. My heart tells me to hold her and to never let go, as if she were my only reason for living or something like that.

But then, on the other hand, my brain tells me that I'm stupid for even considering any sort of possible future with this girl. It's as if someone is yelling at me, ripping me apart and throwing me against the wall each and every time I so much as hug this girl.

So, what do I do? I can't even decide at this point, so I'm letting her do her thing and just going about my life, hoping that time will reveal the truth, one way or the other. Maybe she'll play head games and act like a child. Maybe she'll grow up and really make something of this cruddy situation. I'm not sure, but something has to happen, one way or the other, with or without my hand as the driving force.

All of that relationship drama aside, there are a handful of other things going on that I have to get off my chest.

I'm sick of Walmart. I made that point very obvious already. My availability has been changed, so that part is no longer an issue. My bosses are still assholes, though and so are some of the people throughout the store. Hell, not a day goes by in which I do not feel like strangling someone that works at my store. I swear, some of the employees are worse than most of the customers.

So, hand-in-hand with that is Mid-Atlantic bakery, which is a potential new place of employment. It could be next week. Who knows? It may even take 2 or 3 months. But I WILL be there within' a 3 month time frame, tops.

The benefits far outweigh anything bad that could be said of my new job, but there ARE a few issues.

While the healthcare, union benefits and much higher (over 2x) pay rate are wonderful benefits, as well as the awesome set schedule, I'll have to deal with a boring and potentially very hazardous position in a very high risk factory. And on top of that, transportation may become much more of an issue; it depends on the time and day. But even still, for that kind of money, I can deal with the extra time and more difficult/repetitious work.

Otherwise, daily stress is killing me. Between customers at Walmart, my bosses, a few of my co-workers, my family and the stress of the situation involving my ex-girlfriend and I, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack at any given moment. I don't know what the heck will happen to me these days.

And you know, I honestly can't even say that I know who my true friends are these days. Shit is just that crazy, but that's not something I want to sit here and get into. I'll be writing for 10 hours if I cover every single bit of my life, at this rate!

Anyway, it's time to hope off here, grab some food and figure out when I'm going to bed. Peace!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Another New Chapter

So, I started working at Walmart in Golden Ring on December 3, 2010. Since then, life has been better, but quite a bit more on the stressful side due to the woes of working at a retail store.

First of all, my job description did not include 80% of the things that I'm told to do. In fact, on a normal day, I rarely have the chance do everything that all grocery sales associates are supposed to do aside from restocking milk or putting away the returns.

Second, there are a few employees that make work a pain in the ass. My "Zone Supervisor", Tom is the main problem. He's always making people do trivial things. No matter how often we question what he asks us to do, he just wont listen to our point of view. He only allows us to do what he wants us to do and only in the way that he wants us to do said task.

Of course, there are a few other people that are a pain in the ass for various reasons. Some of the daytime ICS crew, for example, are the kind of people that could be considered stereotypical. They make fun of people for no good reason and act like a bunch of asshats. It's totally okay when they insult you, but as soon as you retaliate, they get all frustrated like it's not cool. Such is life, I suppose!

The final bunch of morons are the absolute worst: Overnight employees. Some of them are pretty cool, but the primary group of overnighters that stock our section are a bunch of assholes. They insult us, treat us like we're the scum of the Earth and on top of that, they don't even do their job properly. We come in every day and the shelves are a complete mess because the overnighters move anything they want to places they don't belong just so they can be lazy. Oh well.

Third, the hours are freakin' insane! One day, I might close. Then, the very next morning, I'll have to be awake between 6-7AM just to prepare so I can get to work on time between 8-9AM. Seriously people, WHAT THE FUCK? It's unhealthy to force your employees to work without proper rest! Not to mention the fact that it fucks up a person's sleeping schedule pretty bad!

There are a bunch of other things that I could go on listing all afternoon, but you get the point. There are, however, a few primary positive points to be made about my job at Walmart.

The most important thing is that I've made a bunch of new friends. I never expected to meet so many genuine cool people working at Walmart, but clearly I was wrong!

The other benefit is clearly the money. While they pay me nowhere near enough to compensate me for what I actually do for them, the money HAS allowed me to buy pretty much anything I want for the time being.

And finally, I get away from my family enough to avoid most of the stupid drama and arguments. That doesn't mean that home life is much better, but it HAS improved to an extent just because I don't have to be around them as often.

In other news, Emily and I are officially separated. It hurts, but the pain is fading away more as time goes by. It's sad, though. I genuinely thought that I would be with that girl forever. She needs to grow up and learn a bit more about life before she gets into anything serious. That's all there is to it. I wont insult her or say anything bad. What happened between us is, for now, between her and I. But it's out there. I'm single. She's single. That's life. Recovery will happen... eventually.

Otakon is only a few months away. I'm relatively excited about that, although not as much as I probably should be. Maybe when the date draws nearer? We'll see.

I'm excited to play Dragon Age 2, which should arrive at my doorstep on Monday, March 28.

I started playing Rift, rejoined FFXI and also bought a few other games, such as Bulletstorm for Xbox 360 and Crysis 2 LE for PC. Needless to say, I've been keeping myself quite busy.

I've been attempting to go out a lot more often, which HAS been a success for the most part. My random days off don't help, but I still make due with what I have. :)

I still need to get on the whole driving school thing. It's taking longer than I thought, but it's honestly mostly due to laziness. I'm so tired from work half the time because of those close-open-close-open days that I just don't even want to do anything. We'll see if I can't get my availability fixed for a while, though.. Carla supposedly approved it; we'll see.

There's not much else I feel like saying right now, but there's a basic update for anyone that cares. ;)

Have a good one!