Sunday, June 19, 2011

Empathy (Also a random series of updates)

I don't understand why people must be so difficult. Am I the only one with a sense of empathy anymore?

Sam stopped talking to me almost altogether. The few times I've attempted to talk to her, I received no sort of reply. I'm under the impression that there's an actual reason or multiple reasons for this, but she obviously has not informed me of this and I have no idea what could have happened. We were extremely close, then one day it felt like I was a stranger. I actually lost sleep over this one, given the fact that I was used to spending so much time with both L.J. and Sam. I was honored to be in their wedding and I absolutely loved spending time with them. To this day, I miss all of that and I find myself wanting to spend time with them. But somehow, there was something that put a stop to all of those good things and I guess I'll never know exactly what happened. Such is life, I guess. But to reiterate my point: Where's the sense of empathy? Why don't people have the decency to at least discuss things and then bury the hatchet?

Speaking of that, Emily has been acting like a total weirdo lately. No matter what happens, she can't seem to grasp the most basic concepts of love and life. I understand that we're over. I made that choice, but for very good reason. She does not seem to understand that, though. She hurt me very badly on several different occasions and has ripped me apart from the inside out. Still, she insists that we're meant to be. She doesn't understand that there's no way I'll ever be able to trust her after the things she's done. And yes, I admit that I retaliated a few times, but I never did one thing to directly harm her. I never once told a lie, nor did I spite her or do anything physically dangerous. I simply called her our and said some mean things. I genuinely did everything I could to make that girl happy. Regardless, at this point, there is no true hope for any sort of future with her. As much as I may care for her, I just cannot trust her anymore; not even a little bit.

But to change subjects for a bit, things are very different now that my younger brother is not here anymore. Technically there's not much different at home because he was already gone most of the time anyway, but the feeling is very different. I mean, I was raised with the guy. I haven't lived in a home without him until he moved in with Rita. It's just now starting to really sink in and while I know life goes on, things just feel different here at home and even though my family is crazy, I miss having my little brother around the house.

Speaking of family, life at home is as crazy as it ever has been. After the stuff that's happened recently, I'm at home most of the time. I keep myself busy, but I have no real sleeping schedule and I'm starting to feel lonely again. I basically play WoW and relax all day, but Danielle, Josh B. and Matt Z. help to make things a lot better overall. Despite how crazy and hurtful my family can be, I can generally laugh it off and have a good time because of my friends.

Also, this whole bad luck finding a new job thing, after getting screwed over with my other job opportunities, sucks. My actual finances are pretty much nonexistent at the moment. I need to find work soon or I'm going to end up in a rough spot. I'm having absolutely no luck finding work right now. Go figure that some dumb shit like that would happen to me, even after what I had lined up.

Now I need to talk about my girls for a minute.

First of all, Danielle is a California girl with one hell of a unique personality. She has her moments, but she's probably the only person in the world that has as fucked up of a personalized sense of humor as I do. She also has a big heart, even though she doesn't like to show it. While she's located across the country, she is still one of the best people I know

There's not much to say about Mandy because she's just that awesome. She has a very wild personality with a dash of sweetness and a pinch of silliness. I have a lot of fun talking to Mandy and I wish that I could spend more time with her. She's one of those people that I can easily see being friends with for a very long time.

Kristy is a name I think of frequently, but I have yet to hear much from her. She's an Australian girl that shares some history with me. Her and I bonded quite a lot and I'm actually worried about her. It's been months since I've even heard a peep from Kristy, which is obviously very unusual. I like to think she's just happy and having a good life, but there's always that little voice in the back of my mind that says, "What if...?" I hope I hear from her soon! I miss Kristy!

My medical issues have been very out of hand lately. One minute, I'm breathing fine and able to sleep like a baby. But then I'll start gasping for air with very bad results, sleeping very little, having tons of anxiety attacks and even feeling like I'm having a heart attack or something along those lines. I have allergies, asthma and anxiety, as well as a minor case of clinical depression. Throw in my absurd amount of physical Tourette's tics lately and some physical joint pain for good measure and you'll have a general idea of what's driving me nuts on the medical side of things.

I would write more, but I think it's bed time. I'm very tired and it's 4:47AM as I write this sentence. Perhaps I'll add to this later, but for now, good night.