Saturday, May 14, 2011


I don't quite understand why the most trusted people always turn out the be the ones that hurt you the most. Seriously. What the fuck?

Emily and I have been all the way through Hell and back at this point. Ultimately, our love prevailed, and we were slowly working our way towards a full recovery. I thought so, anyway.

The very first major problem was an ongoing issue. Her mother is a major control freak and simply would not let Emily go. But the real problem was with Emily. She simply wouldn't break away from that crazy behavior. She let her mother control her in every way. It was to the point that I couldn't see Emily unless her mother approved. It got so bad, in fact, that her mother would start claiming that Emily didn't love her and all sorts of other crazy things just because Emily wanted to spend time with me. Heck, by the ultimate end of our relationship, it even came down to, "As long as I'm alive, you will not stay with Steve."

So, as one would assume, this caused a massive amount of serious arguments between Emily and I. The resolution was a simple idea, in theory. All Emily had to do at the time was initiate a basic conversation with her mother and (nicely) inform her that she needs space. After all, Emily is a grown woman and should be allowed to control her own relationship. As expected, her mother would have nothing to do with such thoughts and even insisted that she had never attempted to control Emily's life. What's more, her mother swore up and down that everything she did was because God told her it was for the best. She would even ask Emily to ask The Lord and see what he says whenever she wanted to come over. Even when Emily played those games and did as her mother had asked, her mother still wouldn't stand for it.

So finally, shit hit the fan so bad that Emily and I were screaming at one another on a daily basis because nothing was getting done. Emily wasn't really trying to do anything to resolve the problem out of sheer fear for how her mother would react and the impact it had on our relationship was destroying us. We were never able to see one another and any time we did finally spend time together, her mother would ruin the entire day by calling or texting Emily and starting a serious argument. She would literally try to throw Emily into a corner and beat her down verbally, all while Emily gave in and just did whatever her mother said. She even agreed with all sorts of negative things her mother said just to end the argument. She would give in to her mother, ignore anything I said and allow her mother to control our relationship. It had become a 3-way relationship, as far as we were concerned. Her mother was the puppet master, forcing Emily to do her bidding until our relationship started to crack.

Eventually, her family and friends started noticing how upset Emily always was. Emily never explained exactly what was going on. She never stood up for herself. So, of course, everyone blamed me. They all assumed that I was simply being a jerk and that Emily was the only one who wound up sad every day. And because Emily did not tell people exactly what was wrong, everyone started trying to get her to end the relationship and eventually, she did. She started acting very cold towards me because other people told her to. Her feelings hadn't changed. She wanted to be with me. She was just too afraid to follow her heart because of how her mother is, basically. She doesn't like conflict and especially not when it involves her family, so she broke it off with me to avoid having to deal with more family issues. I am by no means trying to justify what she did, for the record.

What she did was fucked up. She refused to tell people the truth, didn't defend me at any point in time, refused to talk to her family about what was really going on and then broke up with me just to get away from those problems. I understand the motive here, but these problems will be a recurring theme throughout her life until she takes a stand and shows her entire family that she means business. She doesn't have to go crazy and destroy her family, but they need to know what's up, ya' know? I mean, her mom even threatened me several times and Emily just sat there and let it happen.

Oh, I forgot to mention the other half of that part of the story: She lied about everything. She claimed that she fell out of love with me, didn't want to be with me, etc. She denied every acusation that her family or friends were involved in her choice. She swore up and down that it was all her and that there was no other reason for what had happened aside from falling out of love with me. I found everything else out later from Emily herself, but you can imagine how hurt I was when she told me those things before I knew the truth. And how upset I was later when I found out that she lied and exactly what she had lied about.

Anyway, after all of that, we were going back and forth for a while, exchanging words nearly every day until I finally said "Fuck it." and dropped the subject. But after I gave up, she started begging me to talk to her again. It took about a week, but I finally gave in and started talking to her again. And you know, when I did, she showed some promise. She said that she would come over and spend time with me to see where things go and to talk about everything that had happened. But of course, as with everything else in this fucked up story, nothing went according to plan. In fact, she bailed out for 3 solid weeks until I finally gave up, which is when she started begging me to talk to her yet again.

After that, I gave in a few days later and she actually pulled through. We hung out, everything went great and we had lots of fun. We were back to normal. But as with the rest of this story, another fucked up thing happened: I woke up to a text from Emily saying that things didn't feel the same. She had said that we should stop talking and forget about trying to be together. As if once wasn't bad enough, this happened twice and it was almost the same exact situation over the course of 3 weeks.

So, after a while of arguing back and forth, ignoring Emily on and off and trying my best to just move on, we finally sealed the deal. We were back together and happier than ever. We were going places all of the time. She was staying over here constantly. We both made one another happy, aside from a small handful of stupid arguments. Nothing's perfect. I did have a hard time trusting her, after all that had happened, so it's to be expected. For a while, at least.

Throughout all of this recent relationship mumbo jumbo, she had been claiming that she talked to her Aunts and her Uncle. She went into all of this elaborate detail about the things that she had told them and about how everything was okay now. She told me that her mother was leaving her alone about things and that everything should be okay there, too. It seemed too good to be true, so I questioned it every time a piece of random evidence popped up. One time, I even checked her phone when I picked it up. The text screen was already up, so I looked at a message she received from her mother. She had said something about going to breakfast and stuff with other people; not me. And of course, when I questioned Emily about that, she yelled at me. She made me feel like shit for checking her phone. I've never checked another human being's phone. That's just not the kind of person I am. But regardless, just like every other time I questioned anything, she blamed me and said that I was wrong. She created these elaborate stories every time to cover her tracks. I was never right. I could never win. I was always the bad guy in these scenarios because I didn't trust her. She would even cry and throw a pity trip to make me feel worse. But of course...

I was right all along. We were on our way to Mega Media Xchange. I was going to sell a few misc. items that were just taking up space and then we were going to stuff our faces because we were both hungry as balls. But something crazy happened: We were crossing the street after getting off the bus, when her sister drove by with her Uncle, her Nephew and her mother. Emily walked up to the car, so I followed. We said hi and the traffic was starting to pick up, so we backed away and they drove off. This is where the most recent and most fucked up thing happened: Emily confessed, as we were walking across the street, that everything recent had been a lie, as well as all of the "conversations" she supposedly had with her family.

So, her family thought she was going other places this whole time. She was lying to all of them every time, all while she lied to me by telling me that they knew and that everything was okay. None of them knew the truth, but neither did I. She not only lied to me once, but also every single recent time that we were together. She looked me in the eye, lied to me, told elaborate made up stories to cover her tracks and even cried to make me feel bad for "not trusting her." And for the record, we had spent about 60% of our time together, if not more, during that period of time. So in short, her lies had been an almost daily event and she knew she fucked up.

But you know, this is what really gets me...

Had her family not drove by and saw us walking, I probably would have never found out. Or at the very least, it would have been at an even later date and in a different, but equally fucked up way. She would have kept lying until that chapter was closed or until she was found out in some other way. Talk about fucked up...

And for those of you that may be asking, "What was her motive? Didn't she love you?"

Well, supposedly her motive was the fact that she had assumed that we would not be able to have a relationship unless she hid it from most people. Instead of just taking control of her own relationship and following her heart openly, she lied to everyone, which in turn hurt everybody quite severely.

And of course, I'm confident that it's impossible for me to trust her ever again.

Who's to say that it's even worth the effort, anyway? If she can lie so easily and so frequently, she could do it all over again without any sort of notice, leaving me to deal with the aftermath of such destruction all over again.

Sad as it may be, honestly, I want to be with her. Regardless of how things have played out, this is love. You may call me stupid, but my heart chose her long ago.

However, I know it's an entirely stupid choice, so at this point, I will definitely avoid being with her. I will consider casual dates, hang out with friends and try to have a somewhat happy life until I finally get over Emily. That's the most I can do, although I'm not so sure how possible it is for me to just be happy right now. Eventually...

Believe it or not, this is a hard choice. My heart beats for Emily. I've never felt so empty before. And honestly, it's not like I haven't had my fair share of serious relationships. I just haven't felt this strongly about another human being. Ever. And at this point, I feel as though it's an incredibly big deal that I've found someone that I care this much about.

But still, as anyone would suspect, matters of the heart are not so easily dealt with and most of the time, impossible to understand. As such, I actually gave her one last chance to come clean and attempt to rebuild the relationship. But of course, things did not go so smoothly and thus, we are 100% finished.

She supposedly talked to her family, set the record straight with her mother and had planned to make a trip over here to talk about everything. As a side effect, her mother was supposedly incredibly furious. They even threw a surprise birthday party for her and did not even consider inviting me. In fact, Emily asked if I could drop by and her Uncle said no because it's too last minute.

Well, what the fuck? How is that fair? I didn't know about it. They handled it and invited everyone that showed up. I WAS NOT INVITED, despite Emily's supposed vocal outreach to her family. I would be lying if I said that I was not completely hurt by that.

Also, that happened today. That was the last stand. I can not deal with Emily or her family anymore. I tried. And tried. And tried. (AND TRIED!)

At this point, it's totally unrealistic to assume that anything positive could ever come from any sort of relationship with Emily.

And you know, while this is a whole different game altogether, a few recent things bothered me. Like, for example, her mother never replied when I sent her a text message directly asking her why she disliked me. I was not mean. I was very respectful and I told her that I miss Emily and that I love her.

Guess what she told Emily to tell me, instead of replying to my text?

She told her, with a very mean tone, that it would take too long for her to text all of the things she dislikes about me. What is that shit? I NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG TO THAT WOMAN! I tried to be as nice as possible and even went out of my way to do things for her and the rest of Emily's family! It's so fucked up!

I don't know why everything turned out this way. I can tell you one thing for sure, though: Emily changed. She used to be the most amazing woman in the world. But it was like she had become the total opposite type of person overnight and now, I don't know what to think of her or her family. I'm confused, still depressed and not entirely sure how to proceed. I mean, we did everything together. We were a happy couple. We did a few things in the bedroom that I never expected. We saw movies and shared deep laughs. We playfully tickled and wrestled with one another. We laid in each other arms through the night and woke up to each other's smiling face. We were even able to bathe together in a completely innocent and loving way.

What the hell happened to my Emily? I'll never know what happened to cause such a drastic change, but I'll never forget the girl I fell in love with.

While this may be the end, I love you, Emily Ann Dean.

From here, I guess the only way to proceed truly is the only way to proceed. Someday, I'll be whole again.