Friday, August 10, 2012
Well, today has certainly been... interesting.
I was not expecting to have old feelings resurfacing all over again. This would not be the first time that this has happened, of course, but in this particular case, there is an associated sense of hopelessness that I just can't shake.
For the sake of anonymity, I will not give any names today, but I really was not expecting this sudden change of course.
Anyhow, the person in question asked me today if I still experienced any of the same feelings for her that I once did, and if so, exactly how strong they are.
As she asked the question, many feelings started to resurface, while others seemed to remain dormant, but the answer was still a resounding "Yes."
I thought about it for a second after she asked, which quickly led down a relatively sad path. I didn't really want to dwell on it, but it kind of happened and just like that, well.. I'm here writing this, aren't I?
And as for how much I still care about her? Well, a lot. I do still have feelings for her, but they are nowhere near as strong as they used to be in some ways, despite being even stronger in others.
To be fair, I clearly have mixed feelings.
On one hand, I feel a deep connection with her that I really don't think I've ever felt for anyone; at least in this particular way. It's not something that can really be explained, but it's there.
But on the other hand, I know that there's no real hope. She would never want to be with me, no matter how thin, fit, rich, successful, close or happy I were to ever be. She's said so herself, and it did hurt quite a lot at one point in time. It's one of the most discouraging and hurtful things that anyone has ever said to me, even if she didn't actually want to hurt me in saying so.
Still, acceptance took a while, but it did happen. I was able to recover, move on and live just fine without even thinking about her for a long while. I dated a few times and even went back to that psychotic ex-girlfriend of mine, but in the end, I was left alone and sad.
Even as I sit here writing this, I am still upset over my most recent ex-girlfriend. She did quite a few things to me and this time, it was partially my own fault for actually giving in and letting her have another chance, knowing full well that she would only screw me over again.
I don't really know how to handle this situation. It's true that things are not awkward between her and I, we have a great friendship and we both know that we'll be there for each other forever. That's just how it is and always will be. But honestly, there's still that part of me that will always hope for more, even knowing that it just wont happen because she has absolutely no interest.
It's almost like being the male best friend in any number of movies. He doesn't stand a chance, but he's hopelessly in love with his female best friend. And in some movies, he may get the girl. But in others, you know it wont happen; it can't. It's not meant to be. They're just friends and that's how things will remain for eternity.
It's both amazing and terrible. The friendship will always be wonderful, but I feel like I'll always be cursed by my feelings.
I wish there were a way that I could just wish away my feelings, so that I could remain perfectly content with friendship and never crave more. Too bad it's not possible, huh?
I will say this, though: She always makes me laugh, and we share many wonderful moments that just don't compare to those that I share with most other people. Only a small selection of people make me feel this comfortable, and she's right there at the top. I can't get enough of her, and it sucks balls that she doesn't feel the same way.
And for the record, I have a few other wonderful friends. Reami is indeed the coolest female friend a guy could ever ask for. But it's different with her; I don't have feelings like this. She's like the awesome sister that I wish I had my entire life, while the other person is someone that I feel like I could actually spend my life with. I feel like we really are that compatibe, and I've always felt that way. I guess she doesn't see it that way, though.
This whole thing makes absolutely no sense. I don't know what's wrong with me. I always seem to put myself in the most hopeless situations. It's almost like my brain craves things that it can never have, and ONLY those things. I just don't get it.
Oh well. That's life. I'll sleep on it and hopefully forget about it in the morning. Or at the very least, I'll deal with it. Things will be okay. I know they will. But I really wish I could come out on top and obtain what I really want. I guess I'm just doomed in this case.
Friday, August 3, 2012
All right, I know I've already posted 2 blogs today, but I'm ready for round 3.
Why, you ask?
Because I don't know what the hell is going on anymore.
I don't mean that in a completely literal sense. I just mean that my mind is wandering off into the darkest territory and I can't stop it. It just keeps going down those roads; the ones I write about, that you all know of by now.
Lately, it's been very rough. Panic attacks, sleeping either too much or too little, zoning in and out, randomly going from ecstatic to depressed; it sucks.
I've had these problems throughout my entire life, but it keeps getting worse as time goes by, as if I'm meant to be depressed forever, regardless of whether or not I'm successful, in love or whatever.
I just wish I had a real escape and not temporary relief. I don't want to be on medication forever. I don't want to be forced into speaking with a psychologist every week. I don't want to feel like I need someone by my side to keep me company.
I just can't escape. I want to be normal; is that so much to ask? I mean, I guess it is. This is the hand I've been dealt and I have to deal with it. But shit, it sucks.
Even as I sit here conversing with one of my favorite people, I just can't shake those things going on in the back of my mind, creeping in between my other thoughts. I can't get rid of these demons.
I'm not being literal; I'm not a loon. I just wish I had this stuff under control.
Okay, I feel like I should briefly touch bases with the topic of drugs.
Yes, I've experimented, but I've never done anything crazy like crack, heroin, coccaine; nothing like that. Pot, alcohol and DXM are the 3 primary things I've dabbled in, all of which have been a good time.
Alcohol was always my drug of choice, as is the case with most people I know. I've been blasted to the point of puking all over myself, only to wake up sober, clean up and think, "Man, that was an awesome night! It was worth it!" But on the flipside, I've also had nights in which I felt like I was dying and had a sort of sense of regret. It was a good time overall, but my time with alcohol has come to an end; for good.
Pot is the drug I've messed with the least amount of times. I've smoked medical pot that had me high out of my mind, but I've also smoked pot that did nothing to me. The good stuff was really fun and gave me the giggles nearly every time, but the bad stuff was simply boring. I don't smoke pot often enough to matter, though; asthma and allergies will do that.
Now we come to the kicker: DXM AKA dextromethorphan. For those of you that don't know, this is a common active ingredient in cough gels, cough syrups and many other things and is used primarily to treat coughs. This is a highly recreational drug and while it can be incredibly fun, it can also invoke some of the most terrifying experiences of one's life.
To continue and elaborate a bit, you all know what pot and alcohol do, but what does DXM do?
At high enough doses, DXM is a very powerful psychadelic dissociative substance. It creates intense feelings, which vary from a simple head high to the most incredible visual experiences you'll likely experience. Everything from ruling a kingdom to meeting with random gods in a space-like setting, and even things like feeling as though you are a growing plant; it's insane.
It's very heavy, potent and can be hard on the body if you're not careful. Safe enough under most circumstances, so long as you don't go nuts doing it all of the time, but dangerous enough that it can also be fatal if you take a high enough dose; believe me, I know. This is the very thing that I tried to kill myself with, knowing full well of what the dose would do to me if I didn't seek medical attention.
Am I proud of that? No. I tried to kill myself. I saught help, found it and while my mind still wanders and I'm still depressed over all of the stuff that goes on in my life, I'm not suicidal. I'm okay. I don't plan on doing that again.
But is DXM fun, when you're NOT trying to dose high enough to die? Heck yes! Or I should say, so long as you can handle it; most people can't.
I openly support experimenting with different things, but please be warned: DXM is not for everyone. Do not experiment with this drug, regardless of what you think after reading this blog, unless you are 100% mentally prepared and have someone to watch over you. This is not a laughing matter or a weak drug. You have been warned.
To those of you that may be naysayers, or hate on me for being open and honest about this, that's your opinion, choice and perogative. I will not tell you that you are wrong.
However, if you tell me that getting drunk is any safer than tripping on DXM and act as though you are better and more safe than I am because you choose to do something that's "legal", you can lick a dirty scrotum. Legality does not define the potency, safety or overall experience of any specific drug/chemical.
The truth is, drugs are drugs. Alcohol, DXM, pot; no matter how much safer one drug may be, it's all the same. You are doing something that harms your body for the sake of experiencing something that you normally can not experience for a limited period of time; that's what all drugs are for, and that's why we do them, whether they are legal or illegal; tame or hard.
If you are straight-edged, more power to you. I wish I were able to be that way throughout the course of my life, but it didn't happen. No hate here; you do what you want to do and you enjoy life how you want to enjoy it.
Everything has consequences. I know I hurt my body when I do something recreational like this, just as others destroy their body by getting drunk or whatever else is out there that they may choose to partake in. It sucks, but that's life.
If you have something to say, please be respectful. It took a lot of courage for me to post this as is.
Tonight, I'm lost in thought about all of the things I feel like I've thrown away over the years and I feel bad about it; like I'm wasting both my own money and the money that other people have invested into me and the things I enjoy.
It's a commonly known fact that I get rid of games, consoles and other various things when I feel like I need a change. Whether I've played a game into the ground, don't like it or even just feel like playing around with something new, I trade around. It's just kind of what I've always done, even as a little kid.
What I didn't realize as a kid, which ultimately led to a habit that's difficult to break even when I have money, is that everyone rips you off if you let them. In particular, GameStop/EBGames have ripped me off more than anyone else I know and it was all by choice, even down to recent transactions when I felt the need to have different games and video game consoles.
Now, I'm kind of stuck on the idea of trading things around. I could save up and buy a new game, or Mom and Dad could give me a $500 gaming console for Christmas and eventually, I'll likely get rid of it in favor of having something different, even if that means I end up losing out a lot in the trade.
I've grown much smarter about this over the years, only trading big ticket items when it's fair or heavily in my favor, depending on how attached I am to any specific object. I still don't really think about it when I trade games around, though and I tend to go nuts, getting rid of $300-400 worth of games just to get $80-120 worth of store credit somewhere for another set of games that I'll end up getting rid of for jack shit when I'm done with them.
Some of you may think this is just silly, but this is a habit that's difficult to break because I feel like it's so necessary to my lifestyle as a serious gamer. Until I find a job that makes enough money to fund my gaming habits without any sort of stress, I'll still be trading to get the games I want.
Still, I feel terrible about a few things. As an example, let me share a brief story.
I had $1,000 when my birth father passed away, and what happened? I spent all of it right away on video games; every last penny. I had every game console, a ton of good games, accessories; the works. It was awesome, but also sort of a waste because I turned around and got rid of most of it relatively fast for a very small fraction of what I paid. I was pretty damn stupid.
I've owned several of each gaming console, only to get rid of them and eventually get many of them back, which I then turn around and get rid of yet again. PSP, DS, PS3, Xbox 360, 3DS, DreamCast, PS2, Wii; you name it, I've had it, and likely traded it away again at some point. And in most cases, picked it up yet again at another point.
Why do I do this, even when I'm attached to things? I can't answer that question directly; not without a full explanation. The short answer, though, is change; I like it.
I enjoy nostalgia as much as the next person, but I absolutely love change. Even when I'm sometimes getting ripped off, the thrill of something different rushes through me like a drug; it's intense and I can't really explain it, but it's freakin' awesome.
Some of you likely think this is crazy and have no understanding of such a concept, but I assure you, it feels worth it in my mind. At least, during the period of change. It does eventually fade and I want something different again, but that's okay; there's always something different out there.
Despite how awesome it feels, and the fact that I'm at least smart about maximizing my trades/values in various places, I do feel bad about "wasting" the money. Many people say it's not a big deal; you do what you want with your stuff, so long as you're having fun. But I just feel like it's a kick in the face if someone gets you a gift and you just get rid of it eventually for something different.
It's probably true; it IS a kick in the face and I'd likely feel bad if someone did that with something that I gave them, too. But I can't really fault them for it, either. They were not happy enough with it at the time and just wanted something different; it's their choice. I can see it from both points of view.
I just feel like I'm being wasteful, is all. And I guess I am; I can't help it. It's crazy.
And honestly, that's a major part of why I like digital delivery, such as Xbox Live Arcade/Games On Demand, or even better, Steam. I can't go getting rid of games or throwing money away; I get games, they're mine forever and I can play them at a moment's notice without going to a store, waiting for shipping, or anything else. It helps me avoid being as wasteful, plus I get the added bonus of being lazy. What's not to love about digital distribution?
But really, I don't know. I feel bad about a lot of things tonight; just the mood I'm in. Maybe I'll be okay as the night goes on, but I feel like I'm being shaken up again. There's a lot of stuff going on in this crazy mind of mine lately. I just hope there's not another panic attack tonight.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
As a continuation of yesterday's post, I have a few more things to get off my chest for the moment.
First, there are people in this world that I would easily defend until the Earth's end. Those people are wonderful and without them, I would not be able to hang on very well, if at all. They are my primary support group and I proudly call them my friends. From the silent supporters to the most vocal advocates, you all make my life tolerable.
Now, I want to cover a kind of sub topic of something I talked about yesterday: Dependence. More specifically, the idea that I have to rely on others for transportation if I am to do anything in a timely fashion.
This came up as the result of a brief conversation with one of my favorite people. She is partially in the same boat and we feel the same way about this. To put it lightly, it sucks ass having to depend upon other people for transportation, among other things.
While there's not much I can do about it for the moment, the driving situation will always be problematic for me because of Tourette's Syndrome. It freakin' sucks and I don't exactly know how I'm going to handle the rest of my life without the ability to drive.
I mean, I do plan on obtaining my license one of these days. I just don't feel like it's a great idea to utilize said license as often as other people, despite the freedom it may bring. I don't want to veer off into the side of the road in a flurry of bad ticks and cause a serious accident. That's a serious problem, no matter how much some of you may roll your eyes, shrug and act like I'm making a big deal out of nothing; you have no idea what it's like, seriously.
This is one of the main problems in my life and in fact, it drags me down more than some people may think.
The other thing I really want to discuss this morning involves my physical appearance. More or less, the idea that I will always be big in some way because I am simply a big dude.
I've been losing weight at a steady pace, but I feel like it's just not enough. I've splurged a bit here and there, but most of the time I don't eat anywhere near the point of "too much" and I avoid unhealthy drinks, alcohol and many other very bad things. I don't even eat immense amounts of sweet stuff anymore. At least, not compared to what I used to consume!
Still, I feel like I'm at that point where I should be doing a bit more in an attempt to shave weight off a bit faster. I'm not asking for 20 pounds a week or something insane like that, but I'd like to drop a good 4-5 pounds each week, which is going to require quite a bit more effort. Motivation is key and really, that's what I lack.
I know the weight will come off over time. I'm losing weight at a steady enough pace to reach my goal eventually, so long as I stick with it and that's really not a problem. I'd just like to hit that goal at a faster pace and I'm having trouble pushing myself hard enough to take part in daily workouts with any sort of real intensity.
I guess you could say that I'm feeling a bit down on myself today. I feel unattractive and unwanted; just one of those days.
I'm done for now, though. Maybe I'll contribute more to this wall of text later today.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
WARNING: This is an uncensored, unedited and "no holds barred" blog. I really need to vent. Most of you likely wont be offended, but a handful of you will see things here and question me, asking why I placed those things here. The answer is simple: Truth. I'm not going to hide in the shadows alone and deal with this stuff alone anymore. I need my support group, and my friends love me for who I am. If you don't like it, get out of my life and stay far away from me and my kind.
I love many parts of my life, but there are others that make me feel like an insignificant waste of space.
Everything from my place in my family to my brother's wedding, finances, jobs, death, health; just everything. I can't stop thinking about these things when my mind locks on to any of those various subjects, and it just keeps branching out until they've all been covered. It's overwhelming and I can't get these thoughts under control.
Lately, the most depressing thoughts are those of death, love (and love lost), favoritism, jobs and my place in various "circles". I just can't shake the thought of being worthless and eventually, dying off before my life has any sort of real meaning to anyone, myself included.
Perhaps it's just me being uncontrollably negative. Or, perhaps my life really is meaningless; I'm not sure. It's terrifying no matter which side I approach this from.
To kick this whole thing off, let me point out that I have indeed stayed completely away from alcohol. I have had no desire to drink even so much as a single beer or even one shot of vodka. There have indeed been a few nights of recreational fun, but those did not involve anything too dangerous. Panic attacks one time, yes, but that was the cause of a very badly planned night that took a quick turn for the worse and just kept spiraling downward. I will likely never forget that night, nor will I forgive the other person involved.
Overall, I've basically been sober and have not had an extreme desire to do any sort of drug. I've been having more than enough fun doing other things; I don't need to get blasted out of my mind to enjoy myself and I know that better now than I ever had in the past.
So anyway, right now, my brother's wedding is a very hot topic throughout our entire group of families and our various circles of mutual friends; rightfully so! I mean, my younger brother is freakin' getting married! It's almost hard to believe in some respects strictly because he's MY younger brother, ya' know? I'm proud of him and I'm beyond honored that he chose me of all people to be his best man, but I feel like he chose the wrong person. I don't drive, I have little to no money, I have very few ways of getting directly involved in many of the wedding processes; it's something I feel very bad about. He told me that he chose his best man for very good reasons, but I just feel like these are big shoes to fill and that I don't measure up when placed in such an important situation. I'm probably just overanalyzing things, but still; I feel bad.
As usual, my financial situation is driving me crazy as well. I've had terrible luck finding a job and I feel like I have no real options. My brain feels too fried and messed up these days to really dedicate myself to any sort of school, but getting a good enough job without school or 'official' experience is very difficult. And with the higher cost of living these days, as well as my steadily increasing age, this is more of a problem than it ever has been. Most people my age are already knee-deep into some sort of career, while I'm running on little to no 'official' experience, with no sort of college or other stuff to push my resume up a notch or five. I feel like I'm stuck. No one can really help me, but I feel like I can't help myself; as if I've fucked myself over for life and there's no turning back or getting out, no matter how hard I try; I'm doomed.
And then there's the issue of driving. I'm afraid of getting my license because I have so many damn physical ticks. All it would take is one badly timed tick and I'd be dead, along with anyone else that just so happens to be nearby on the road. I don't want to hurt anyone else, nor do I want to die as a result of something so ridiculous, but it's just the reality of the situation. I cannot control Tourette's Syndrome; it controls me. There's not a damn thing I can do about that and it makes my life a living hell sometimes.
My immediate family is also as much of a problem as it can be helpful. Some days, I feel like they hate me. It's as if I'm nothing more than a family dog and a personal punching bag to most of them. But then, there are other, although far more rare days, when they throw all sorts of money at me and try to be nice, as if they're trying to buy my respect and love instead of actually having conversations and trying to get along the right way.
Don't get me wrong here, either! I do appreciate all of the financial help that my family gives me. I would be screwed without them. But seriously, none of that justifies treating me like crap and discouraging me every single second of every single day. I honestly feel like a worthless waste of space around my family most of the time because the verbal abuse is out of hand. Even with stuff like weight loss; the proof is in the numbers, but they always deny it and act like I'm never going to succeed. It's always something, and a lot of my friends have witnessed this and keep telling me to get out of this house. I just wish it were that easy.
At least my friends are (mostly) awesome, though. Matt Collins, Reami, Matt Zoch, my brother; plenty of others are all awesome and they help me cope with everything. Even if it's just a simple night indoors playing video games and talking, or an awesome trip to Six Flags for some water park adventures; I have a great time and I don't really dwell on depressing things too much in those situations. I wish I could have my friends around 24/7, but that's not entirely possible! There are a few bad seeds, all of which are being cut out of my life, but those are far fewer these days than they used to be.
Another major issue has been my time with my ex-girlfriend, Emily Dean. Those of you that have met her have had many choice things to say, ranging from sweet to very harsh. The overall summary would be a massive negaitve opinion of both her and her family, but those opinions and who said what will be kept confidential.
That's not exactly the point, but it does relate to the situation. I was told by many people to avoid her after the first time we broke up, but I didn't listen. And yes, I was very well ready to move on at one point, but it only took one moment of stupidity for me to fall back into that trap. My feelings all started rushing back into my heart and I just couldn't say no to another shot. That shot, though, is exactly what's hurting my heart.
After all of that stuff she put me and others through, she came to the conclusion that she is not in love with me. Everyone was and still is baffled. No one understands; not even me. But it hurts and honestly, I suspect her family is the cause. They ruin everything, no matter how much they want to deny it. It's all or nothing in favor of their family, every single time. Everyone outside of their little bubble sees it, but inside of their bubble, everyone else is wrong. It's fucked up and they all need serious help.
One of the other recurring problems is, simply put, death. I keep imagining life without my parents, grandparents, brother, sister, various friends; everyone, myself included. I don't want anyone to fade away, but death is inevitable. Eventually, everyone must go and I do not wish this to be fact. It's hard to come to terms with such things after death has been thrown in my face multiple times over the past few years. All I can keep thinking is, who's next? When will they die? Why will they die? How will life change when that person is gone?
It's freakin' terrifying, above and beyond all else. My mind is a screwed up and very morbid place, but this topic is easily the most destructive of them all. I can't shake the creep of death and I don't know how to escape these thoughts; maybe I can't. I just don't know, but I'm afraid of death taking anyone close to me.
It's all too much. My life is one big terror-filled ride that I just can't escape. That's just life, I guess, but I hope things get better.
For now, I'm done. We'll see how long it takes me to add to this blog. It seems like my breaks keep getting longer and longer.