Thursday, April 26, 2012

Too Much

All right, I think I'll spill the beans. Prepare for a rather dark and depressing ramble.

As many of you know, I've been experiencing a serious bout of depression. I've shared bits and pieces with various people, but I've yet to share the entirety of what has been keeping me grounded in a very dark place.

First, I want to point out that the general life stuff is definitely a part of this. Who doesn't factor those things in, after all? Such things include trouble finding another job, family stress, lack of money, trouble with sleep, inability to concentrate, loss of direction; all of those various things. That stuff comes and goes, but it's always the tip of the iceberg when shit hits the fan; it's what sets me over the top and makes me crack.

Next, my Mother and I rarely get along, but she had a heart attack about a month ago. Dad also had one a few months back. What does this mean? A lot, actually. I was not told about any of this stuff until after the fact, I was not invited to see either of them when they were hospitalized and the threat of possibly losing both of my parents within' a small period of time out of nowhere is pretty damn terrifying. Not only was I quite sad that my own family did not wish to include me when such devastating things happened, but I was also dealing with the possibility of losing both of my parents. Heart attacks are just the beginning of the end, as I've heard. Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but I can't shake that creeping feeling.

Then there's the issue of my health. Yes, I'm a big guy, but that's not exactly what I'm referring to. I'm more referring to my constant wrist/arm pain, the back issues I've had for a very long time (which are not related to my weight; I have a serious back spasm problem), Asthma, Tourette's Syndrome, terrible allergies, insane anxiety/panic disorder, dry eye syndrome (not that bad usually, but combined with allergies, it sucks), serious sleeping problems (sometimes it's too much, sometimes it's very little or even not at all), my knees/ankles/tendons/neck all have problems; I'm a freakin' mess. I even have heart problems. I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow.

Now, we come to another big problem: Relationships. My most recent ex-girlfriend, as pretty much everyone knows by now, is crazy. I gave her many chances; perhaps far too many. Even recently, I talked to her for a brief period of time, met up with her and gave her a chance to speak her mind. I had hoped to see some sort of change, or that things would just end there for good; neither of those things happened.

However, the real point here is that she wont leave me alone. Ever. Not a day goes by in which I hear that she's mentioned me, asked about me or tried to message me on MySpace, or from a new e-mail account. She is desperate to hear back from me, even after I've told her that we are incompatible and that I just don't have any interest in being with someone that cannot stop lying. And before you question this, I mean it. She literally lies about everything; even stupid things that people shouldn't care about, sometimes including such things as what she's had to eat, or what video game she may be playing. It's outrageous.

Still, she will not get the hint. She just keeps getting on my case, trying to get my friends and family to leak information and forcing her way into my life in any way that she can. And you know what? It's freakin' annoying! It adds a whole layer of stress that I never thought possible.

And on top of that? I've genuinely taken interest in two different people since I ended things between Emily and I. One of them kind of faded out, which I guess is fine, although disappointing. But the other? She led me to believe that there was some sort of emotion there. Not love; not on either end, but definitely something. She went on a date, she acted very interested and even gave off all of those small physical signals that say, "I'm comfortable with you and I want to see where this goes".

As it turns out, she's a liar. She was telling other people that she's into someone else, has 0 feelings for me and was "under the impression that she was hanging out with me and other friends". Right. I specifically asked her to go out on a date to see a movie and get some ice cream, clarified that it was a date and pointed out that it was just her and I; no others, no double date; nothing. I've never removed someone from my life so quick. Block, block and more block! Not interested in that kinda' mess!

The final issue that I will discuss for the day is friendship. Now, you may be curious as to why this is on the list at all. Isn't friendship a great thing? And you would be right to question this, as friendship is definitely supposed to be a fantastic thing. But lately, there have been some serious problems that have been causing me to rethink the status of friendship with various people.

Stating that whether or not a movie, song or game is good or bad is a fact, not an opinion? Screw that. Constantly asking me to do things that I'm known to dislike? No thanks. Twisting my words around and/or "putting words into my mouth"? Pass. Being disrespectful of my property, or personal space? Not interested. Getting upset at me for turning down an invite to do something I just don't feel like doing? Grow up.

Now, I realize that no one is perfect. I have flaws just like everyone else. There are times when I'm pretty damn unresponsive to almost everyone because I'm either busy or I just don't feel like talking. If I don't feel like talking, it is what it is. I need my time and space. And my major problem is my memory. No joke; I forget to reply later when I'm feeling better or am no longer busy. It sucks, but that's just how I am. I hate it just as much as everyone else.

I also realize that I have good friends in many ways. They do things for me. They try to help when they can. Most of them are good listeners, even if they don't have much to say back. And I absolutely love my friends, but shit, chill out.

Dinner is ready, so I'm off to eat and then perhaps take a trip to Best Buy. I'm done rambling for now. Have a good one, whoever you are.