Wednesday, November 30, 2011

No luck

As I look around me, I see others reaching their goals. I see people with amazing luck. I see proud families supporting their own. The world around me is filled with positive results and plenty of reasons to be optimistic, yet I sit here quietly sobbing because I'm so damn jealous.

I cannot so much as keep a simple job because there's always a problem that's literally out of my hands. I get fucked over every single time something starts going my way. I just cannot comprehend this. It's like there's a force working against me at all times. I cannot escape.

As a result, I have come to the conclusion that I will never have luck when I need it. Don't get me wrong here; I have luck, but it's always with the little, unimportant things that make no difference in the overall scheme of things. I'm thankful for what luck I have, but a little luck with the important stuff would be very welcome right now.

All I need is the money for my license, a cheap car and some nice clothes to expand my job scope infinitely. The problem is, until that point, I have to stick to jobs in the local vicinity until I get the money and time to get said things, which is proving to be damn near impossible with my (terrible) luck.

I cannot completely give up hope, but I have to say that my patience and will are both fading away more and more with each passing day. I don't know how long I'll actually be able to last before I lose what's left of my mind.

Is there anyone out there that can at least offer a shoulder to lean on? Even a simple hug will do right now.

I have to go. The demons are getting too close for comfort...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

Today is Thanksgiving. On this day, us Americans are meant to give thanks for what we have and ignore the problems of yesterday in an attempt to share great food and socialize among good friends and family. Traditions are formed, tons of food is consumed and in some cases, massive amounts of alcoholic beverages are downed all day long.

Now, it's true that I've been through a lot this year, but there are indeed things to smile about. Aside from the general stuff, such as the fact that I am currently still breathing, there's one thing in particular that I consider to be the most important thing that has happened to me in the year 2011: The many new friends that I've made. I already have trouble imagining what life would be like without those people!

So, I say to my friends and family, old and new: Eat up, drink up and enjoy one of the best days of the year. Without you, life just wouldn't be the same. I love you all! And to all of you that are no longer with us, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, too. We will forever cherish our memories with you. Rest in peace.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Not bad

When I woke up today, I honestly thought I'd have nothing to do. I pretty much assumed that I'd be alone and depressed until exhaustion settled in. Suffice it to say, I was wrong.

My day started off relatively tame. I basically spent most of my time from 3pm-5pm on the internet doing a whole lot of nothing while I talked to a few people. But after that, one of my friends decided to make the awesome choice to invite me out to Cici's Pizza. Of course, I accepted, which led to a fun time, plenty of good food and when we went home, Modern Warfare 3 for several hours.

When we logged onto Xbox Live, two other people hopped aboard and joined us for our virtual mass murder. We all did relatively well, although we all had some pretty bad matches thrown into the mix, as well as our fair share of campers and lag hackers. Either way, fun was had and laughs were shared.

Now, I sit here reflecting on a few things while I mess around in the ridiculous city of Steelport in Saint's Row: The Third, which brings me to the overall point of this short post. As crazy as it sounds, this game helps me out quite a bit. It forces me to remember one key fact of life: Life is crazy, but what's the point without a little fun, even if "fun" is just virtually beating people with a dildo bat for a few moments? As they say in Zombieland, "Enjoy the little things."

Of course, this all means that, for the moment at least, I'm okay. I can definitely feel the demons crawling into my head, but maybe I can beat them just this once. And if not, I'll be back...


Today, I was told that I should write more. While I've heard this before, the person that said this is someone that I respect a great deal. She seems as picky as I am when it comes to the whole writing thing. She's as intelligent as they come and as such, her words on the subject were more powerful than most.

Now, after watching a movie starring Kevin James and Vince Vaughn, as well as an episode of "Doogie Howser", I still cannot sleep. It's the perfect time to take her advice and release a small bit of my ever-growing madness.

To start, you may already know that I've been focusing heavily on death. I already touched bases with the subject yesterday, but there are two primary scenarios that have been replaying in my mind almost constantly. In both scenarios, people close to me pass away. Scenario A is the passing of either or both of my living parents, while Scenario B is my own passing. While there are other scenarios that come to mind, those are the two that have not stopped picking away at my sanity.

Yes, I realize that these things are natural. I also understand that I may be going overboard by dwelling on such a morbid and depressing subject. However, I feel as though there is no way to control these demons. I can't help but think of how meaningless my death will be to most people. I cannot shake the feeling that I will die alone. But on the other side of the same coin, life without my parents is going to be very different.

Call me crazy, but given the fact that my family and I have been together quite literally my entire life, it's hard to imagine how I would survive without them. While I am driven to the edge nearly every day due to their antics and discouraging words, they do indeed provide for me. When I have no income, they pay my bills. They put a roof over my head and yes, they feed me. They provide my sister and her kids with everything they have. We would not currently have cable, phones or the internet without my parents. There would be no power, food or even a home. As it stands, I feel as though I would not even have a place to go.

I am not proud of this. It hurts to feel like such a loser. I was never even taught how to use a mop until I worked at Wawa because my parents did almost everything for us growing up. To this day, Mom does laundry because it's a part of her routine. She handles most of the cooking and shopping. She hands me money from time to time if I'm too broke to do things. She makes sure our family has a great Christmas, even when we're broke. And that's just a small portion of what Mom does.

Dad drives us all insane, but he works 8-12 hours almost every single day and is on call almost all of the time. Why? To pay for all of this stuff, straight down to the random crap our household craves. If Mom wants coffee, he buys it. If I want Mountain Dew for MW3 XP, he pays for it. If we're hungry and it's decided that we're getting carryout or fast food, he doesn't hesitate to cover the costs. As annoying as he is, he is generally a good man that does his best to take care of his (big) family.

Despite the fact that they don't typically hesitate to do these things for us, it never ceases to make me feel like a worthless piece of junk. It always seems like the world is laughing at me, even though most people don't have a clue. I cannot afford to pay my own way and finding a (secure) job is proving to be very difficult. Even then, finding a way to actually survive off that amount of money is another difficult task in itself.

As it stands, no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape. I have good luck with trivial things, but the worst kind of luck with everything that actually matters. And at the end of the day, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. And even if I made that choice, I'm not so sure I'd make the trip unscathed, if I were to survive at all.

As the end of 2011 draws near, I grow to the age of twenty-eight. Almost three full decades of life on Earth and I still have not found any sort of real stable career, I've only held two "normal" jobs and I don't even have my license. And the worst part? I feel like things will never change, regardless of whatever attempts I may make.

Will I ever succeed?

For now, I bid you adieu. Good night, whoever you may be.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Late night/early morning panic attack


Such a powerful word. It's all around us. Even in life, we are simply on course for the inevitable fade to black.

Why, then, are we here?

Some would argue that a higher power has some sort of plan for each and every one of us, while others will tell you that we simply exist.

To me, life and death coexist simply as parts of the same cycle. I see no need to debate what happens prior to or after life. What matters is the here and now, as the saying goes.

That said, my current direction seems non-existent. Circumstances change. What was once an awesome job with potentially amazing benefits turned out to be a place of hatred and ignorance. Or if we go farther back, what was once a fantastic relationship turned out to be one of the most painful breakups in my personal history. Parts of my life were ripped apart, piece by piece. Other parts remain completely unchanged. But there are indeed those areas of potential growth, which can both inspire me and tear me down all at once.

It's a fact that I've never been able to completely overcome my depression, but lately, the highs and lows are quite extreme. I can literally go from "Cloud 9" to a black hole within' a matter of seconds. And it's not like there's always a good reason, either. Most of the time, my past just comes back to haunt me. Sometimes, I can't even explain myself. It's terrible. I can't stand it.

I have a few things to be happy about. There are a few small rays of hope keeping me active enough to avoid a total fit of depression. But really, my brain is not something I can just walk away from. When my mind wanders, it really wanders.

Laying in bed, I had a panic attack. As soon as it happened, my brain instantly thought of death. One thing led to another and I was in "What happens when X person dies? We may not get along, but life wouldn't be the same! Or what about my parents? My brother? My sister? Everyone has to go sometime! X person is getting old!"

Why does this happen? Is it normal to freak out and think about these things so often? Why can't I just shake these thoughts off and be happy?

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I have friends, but there's no one that would answer their phone and talk to me all night while I'm in this kind of state. And who would blame them? As I write this, it's nearly 6AM. People need sleep. That's life. But even during the prime hours of the day, my own family tells me it's nothing and sends me away.

In short, it sucks.

We all have baggage, but there has to be at least a temporary escape. I need relief and death is not an option.

The creeping feeling of loneliness sure doesn't help, either. It sucks being alone at weird hours during a panic attack.

I don't know where to go from here.