Today, I was told that I should write more. While I've heard this before, the person that said this is someone that I respect a great deal. She seems as picky as I am when it comes to the whole writing thing. She's as intelligent as they come and as such, her words on the subject were more powerful than most.
Now, after watching a movie starring Kevin James and Vince Vaughn, as well as an episode of "Doogie Howser", I still cannot sleep. It's the perfect time to take her advice and release a small bit of my ever-growing madness.
To start, you may already know that I've been focusing heavily on death. I already touched bases with the subject yesterday, but there are two primary scenarios that have been replaying in my mind almost constantly. In both scenarios, people close to me pass away. Scenario A is the passing of either or both of my living parents, while Scenario B is my own passing. While there are other scenarios that come to mind, those are the two that have not stopped picking away at my sanity.
Yes, I realize that these things are natural. I also understand that I may be going overboard by dwelling on such a morbid and depressing subject. However, I feel as though there is no way to control these demons. I can't help but think of how meaningless my death will be to most people. I cannot shake the feeling that I will die alone. But on the other side of the same coin, life without my parents is going to be very different.
Call me crazy, but given the fact that my family and I have been together quite literally my entire life, it's hard to imagine how I would survive without them. While I am driven to the edge nearly every day due to their antics and discouraging words, they do indeed provide for me. When I have no income, they pay my bills. They put a roof over my head and yes, they feed me. They provide my sister and her kids with everything they have. We would not currently have cable, phones or the internet without my parents. There would be no power, food or even a home. As it stands, I feel as though I would not even have a place to go.
I am not proud of this. It hurts to feel like such a loser. I was never even taught how to use a mop until I worked at Wawa because my parents did almost everything for us growing up. To this day, Mom does laundry because it's a part of her routine. She handles most of the cooking and shopping. She hands me money from time to time if I'm too broke to do things. She makes sure our family has a great Christmas, even when we're broke. And that's just a small portion of what Mom does.
Dad drives us all insane, but he works 8-12 hours almost every single day and is on call almost all of the time. Why? To pay for all of this stuff, straight down to the random crap our household craves. If Mom wants coffee, he buys it. If I want Mountain Dew for MW3 XP, he pays for it. If we're hungry and it's decided that we're getting carryout or fast food, he doesn't hesitate to cover the costs. As annoying as he is, he is generally a good man that does his best to take care of his (big) family.
Despite the fact that they don't typically hesitate to do these things for us, it never ceases to make me feel like a worthless piece of junk. It always seems like the world is laughing at me, even though most people don't have a clue. I cannot afford to pay my own way and finding a (secure) job is proving to be very difficult. Even then, finding a way to actually survive off that amount of money is another difficult task in itself.
As it stands, no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape. I have good luck with trivial things, but the worst kind of luck with everything that actually matters. And at the end of the day, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. And even if I made that choice, I'm not so sure I'd make the trip unscathed, if I were to survive at all.
As the end of 2011 draws near, I grow to the age of twenty-eight. Almost three full decades of life on Earth and I still have not found any sort of real stable career, I've only held two "normal" jobs and I don't even have my license. And the worst part? I feel like things will never change, regardless of whatever attempts I may make.
Will I ever succeed?
For now, I bid you adieu. Good night, whoever you may be.
"But, you must know, your father lost a father;
ReplyDeleteThat father lost, lost his..."
I am glad (and flattered) to see my words permeate your mind and form into writing. Aristotle believed writing as a form of catharsis. In this vein, I wished to help you because I do see you tortured by so many demons. Hold onto your family and cherish them while you can. My Father died when I was 20. There is not a day when I think to myself that in 10 years I will have out lived him.
Keep writing. As my favorite writing teacher in high school would teach us: Prolific is Terrific. (Though he would shutter at the use of the 'to be' verb. But I will explain that later.)