Monday, November 21, 2011

Late night/early morning panic attack

Death.

Such a powerful word. It's all around us. Even in life, we are simply on course for the inevitable fade to black.

Why, then, are we here?

Some would argue that a higher power has some sort of plan for each and every one of us, while others will tell you that we simply exist.

To me, life and death coexist simply as parts of the same cycle. I see no need to debate what happens prior to or after life. What matters is the here and now, as the saying goes.

That said, my current direction seems non-existent. Circumstances change. What was once an awesome job with potentially amazing benefits turned out to be a place of hatred and ignorance. Or if we go farther back, what was once a fantastic relationship turned out to be one of the most painful breakups in my personal history. Parts of my life were ripped apart, piece by piece. Other parts remain completely unchanged. But there are indeed those areas of potential growth, which can both inspire me and tear me down all at once.

It's a fact that I've never been able to completely overcome my depression, but lately, the highs and lows are quite extreme. I can literally go from "Cloud 9" to a black hole within' a matter of seconds. And it's not like there's always a good reason, either. Most of the time, my past just comes back to haunt me. Sometimes, I can't even explain myself. It's terrible. I can't stand it.

I have a few things to be happy about. There are a few small rays of hope keeping me active enough to avoid a total fit of depression. But really, my brain is not something I can just walk away from. When my mind wanders, it really wanders.

Laying in bed, I had a panic attack. As soon as it happened, my brain instantly thought of death. One thing led to another and I was in "What happens when X person dies? We may not get along, but life wouldn't be the same! Or what about my parents? My brother? My sister? Everyone has to go sometime! X person is getting old!"

Why does this happen? Is it normal to freak out and think about these things so often? Why can't I just shake these thoughts off and be happy?

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I have friends, but there's no one that would answer their phone and talk to me all night while I'm in this kind of state. And who would blame them? As I write this, it's nearly 6AM. People need sleep. That's life. But even during the prime hours of the day, my own family tells me it's nothing and sends me away.

In short, it sucks.

We all have baggage, but there has to be at least a temporary escape. I need relief and death is not an option.

The creeping feeling of loneliness sure doesn't help, either. It sucks being alone at weird hours during a panic attack.

I don't know where to go from here.

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