Major Changes

You know, I wrote this thing several times in my head. I even started writing a few times, but really, there's no way around it. I've been emotionally fucked up for a while and it's all because of the major changes that I've been dealing with over the past year. There has been a lot of death, abuse, heartbreak and a plethora of other things that are bad enough when singled out, but combined, they are one hell of an emotional force. As a result, I'm having a lot of trouble moving on.

When my brother moved out, it was only slightly weird at first, but now it's incredibly hard to deal with. We had our disagreements, but he was the one person in the house that I got along with enough to talk to and share laughs with on a daily basis. I still remember the many days when we would yell through the hallway to talk to each other. But those days are no more. I have to text or call my brother to talk to him and even then, it's not often that I get to spend time with him. I suppose I get to spend more time with him than anyone else, aside from his awesome girlfriend and daughter, so that's cool. But even still, it's a big deal. The entire situation here has changed as a result. I'm very happy for all of them and I know they'll have a great life together. I guess it comes down to one fact: I miss my little brother.

Of course, that's not all. Most of you know that I've had plenty of trouble with my ex-girlfriend. That would all be nothing more than a memory, but it's difficult to let go. I know many of you have been in this situation, so you'll understand where I'm coming from. When I wake up, I want to roll over and see her there. When I'm watching a movie, I wish she were cuddled up with me. And as much as I may deny it, plenty of things still remind me of her. Even right down to the video games I play. It's very problematic because she's hurt me quite badly in some very fucked up ways and I realize that things probably wont get any better, yet somehow, in the back of my mind, there's that little voice that keeps telling me to give her another chance. That voice doesn't stop. It's like there's some immense force driving me towards her, even though she's done nothing but hurt me.

Speaking of relationships, lady trouble is not the only issue I've had. While I have plenty of awesome friends, quite a few people that I once considered to be "besties" have come to use me as a last resort. Even some people that I once considered to be my closest friends have simply left me in the dust, like some kind of casual acquaintance. It's rather obnoxious and quite frankly, it's another push in the wrong direction.

And then there's the issue of money. I've been screwed over and as a result, several very good job opportunities have passed me by. No matter how qualified I may be, regardless of how amazing an interview may be and even if I call them several times to inquire about each position, I just can't find work. Not even minimum wage work for 8 hours per week. Not even something decent "under the table." It's starting to really kill me. I have no money to do anything, I can't afford to pay my own bills, I can't afford health insurance and I definitely can't begin to get my life back together until I manage to find some kind of work. And I know, "You'll find one eventually, Steve!" But the point is, I need a job NOW. Not "eventually." It's driving me fucking crazy and is ruining my life in a very literal sense.

Tack on my crazy and often demoralizing and demeaning family. Throw in a dash of insmonia. Finally, add tons of panic attacks for good measure. That's my life.

My life was moving uphill. I was getting everything together, climbing that ladder and really starting to plan out a bit of school to get into some "proof" of what I know, to put it lightly. I was feeling good about myself, despite my lack of time.

Within' a year, I had it and lost it all. Everything has changed.

What happens next?

Personally, I have no idea where to go from here. I'll just keep trying until something positive happens, but I'm a realist. I understand that there's no guarantee. That's exactly what scares me right now.

What happens when serious stuff happens, like the death of parents? I don't want that to happen; no one does. But it's an unavoidable fact of life and you can never truly be prepared for that sort of thing. We don't get along very often, but my life would seemingly not even work without them at this point in time.

There's a lot of terrifying stuff going on in my mind and I honestly wish I could afford a real shrink right now. I don't know if I just need someone to talk to every week or some magic anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills, but whatever the case may be, my brain is in a very bad place right now.

I'm going to stop writing for now and attempt to get some sleep. For now, good night.