Back to the beginning

WARNING: This post contains a few things that could offend those not interested in themes of a potential sexual nature. I have tried my best to keep things relatively tasteful, but if something offends you, don't blame me. I try to keep names out of the picture, so people don't know who I'm referring to and I try not to push things too far, but sometimes, I can only do so much when there's a point to be made. You have been warned!

I was sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing, when my brain decided to take a trip down memory lane. I was remembering bad things, such as the hell I went through during my grade school life. I was remember good things, like the the year I woke up to a Super Nintendo for Christmas. My mind was all over the place.

But then, something crazy happened--I started thinking about my first real relationship. From the early days of our first encounter in an AOL chat rooms, my mind played out the entire relationship within' a matter of seconds. I literally remembered everything I'd been through during that period of my life. Some of it was absolutely amazing, while other parts were downright fucked up, but ultimately, that relationship is part of my life and I will never forget or reger those days.

The memory that has always stood out the most was our first real date; it was such a fairytale. No one could have predicted what would eventually become a night that both of us will remember for the rest of our lives, for sure.

It all started when Mom offered to take the family on a quick one day vacation to the surrounding area near her location. The road trip itself was decent and Mom even bought me two new CDs at a Best Buy on the way, which I listened to multiple times throughout the journey to and from the hotel.

When we arrived at our destination, which I believe was called the Mcintosh Hotel, we hung around for a short while and did a whole lot of nothing. I got in touch with my ex, finalized our plans and made sure I was ready for the night. I had no idea what to expect and back then, I was as shy as they come. If you compared the way I am now to the way I was back then, it's as if I am literally a different person. Hell, I'm involved in various forms of PR now, while I could barely gather the courage talk to a person I did not know back then.

Anyway, after waiting for a short while, we went out to the mall and I waited with my family for my ex to show up. It was a test of my patience, for sure. I was nervous, shaking, terrified; all of that good stuff. Crazy thoughts were running through my head and I had absolutely no idea what to talk about, how to greet her or what to say to her friends. I was a complete wreck in the back of my mind, but I tried my best not to let it show.

Eventually, she showed up and I was floored. At the time, I thought there was no living creature as beautiful as she was. In that moment, my heart started racing, my blood pressure started rising and I felt like I had been locked in place with that missing piece of my personal puzzle. It was truly a moment that I will never forget; the first time I really felt the injection of Love. It was one hell of a rush, but I was still locked up like a fortress, so no one else knew what was going on inside this crazy mind of mine.

So, my family split up and I wandered off with my ex and her friends. We started talking casually and a few cheesy things were said. It was all like the beginning of a crazy romance comedy. The shy guy with social anxiety matched up with the sexy socialite on a family road trip, which all started through a chance encounter on the internet. Yep, it was definitely like that. In fact, I should write a damn script. But I degress, as it gets even more ridiculous.

After meeting up with the majority of her remaining friends, the rest of them wound up veering off to do other stuff for a short while. When that happened, my ex and I finally started making phyiscal contact by holding hands and getting close outside of Hot Topic. She had to make the first move because I was just that shy. Had she not done so, I'm not even sure that I would have made a move. The extent of my introversion was mindblowing.

When we finally got over the whole initial physical contact thing, we found ourselves at the movie theater, where we chose to see the movie "Momento", which, to this day, is one of my favorite movies of all-time, despite not having watched much of it that night. I had very good reason for missing out on most of the movie, as my ex took it upon herself to introduce me to the concept of kising. That's right. My first kiss happened during the first day we met, during our first date, in the middle of a movie theater. And it was amazing.

Now, I'm pretty sure I was no good at kissing because I'd never done so, but it sure did feel great. There was an explosion of emotions all over the place. My body was tingling. I was starting to open up. She had removed the chains that bound parts of me that I didn't even know existed. Of course, I felt that whole fireworks thing and did not want to let go of her.

We were making out, staying close and trying to get closer. Nothing could stop us. But then, out of nowhere, the movie projector shut off and the lights went out. Something had happened that no one could have predicted. We were all surprised when we discovered that the power went out, but the employees distributed free movie passes and sent us on our way. Everyone else was upset, but my ex and I? We definitely didn't care.

Outside, as we stood waiting for her ride, it was pouring down raining. It was so cold, she was shivering. But, being the cheesy guy I am, I stood there, holding her and shielding her from the rain. I took the weather blast like a champ, just so she wouldn't have to. And in that moment, the reality of the situation really hit me. I was in love and nothing else mattered.

When her ride showed up, I barely said anything until we showed up to the hotel. As I left the car, I definitely left a fart for her friends and lied about it. I rarely lie about my gas, but I was trying to avoid looking like a jerk and I couldn't help it. It literally just... happened. Inside, I was both laughing at myself and beating myself up, but it didn't stop it. No one really cared, despite them saying something to me and questioning the act.

Inside of the hotel, we met up with my family, who then left us alone for a short while. This, ladies and gentlemen, is where the magic happened. I will come straight out and say it: We did not have sex. We did make out a bit and we were going to attempt it, but I was so nervous that it didn't happen. I couldn't keep it up, if you get my drift. I just wasn't ready to make that jump. I mean, it was my first night with a real woman laying in my arms and she was already taking her clothes off and trying to jump my bones, but I couldn't get myself up. I thought something was wrong, but after clearing my head and taking a quick potty break in the bathroom, I realized that I was NOT ready for that at all.

So, we just continued laying together. We enjoyed the company and just continued falling even deeper in love. When my family arrived, we rushed to get dressed and headed out to the car, where Mom proceeded to take her home while I sat in the back seat like a little puppy dog going to the pound. I KNEW she was about to be taken away from me until I could see her again and my heart was not happy about that at all.

And so, my first real date, which was full of crazy first experiences, was at an end and my family left, only to head back home in the morning. It was a very fun experience and one that I will never forget, even if things did not end so well in the long run.

Since then, I've had a ton of great experiences. A few ended with a mutual understanding, while others involved me getting screwed over. While it can hurt to remember any of those experiences, including things dating back to even my pre-teen life, it also helps me to remember that I'm a strong person. I made it through all of those things and I'll damn well make it through a whole lot more. My life isn't over yet and I refuse to give up that easily. Depression may have a tight grip, but it cannot keep me down forever.

I'd like to close this post with these words: Life is full of experiences. Some are amazing, while others will tear you down. A few will start off wonderful, then turn around and kick you where it hurts, stripping that smile from your face. But in the end, those experiences create us from the ground up and ultimately, define who we are. You may not be able to choose everything that happens to you throughout life, but when you do make a choice, try not to regret it, no matter how bad it may be. You are who you are. Keep it that way.

Good night.