Friday, August 10, 2012
Well, today has certainly been... interesting.
I was not expecting to have old feelings resurfacing all over again. This would not be the first time that this has happened, of course, but in this particular case, there is an associated sense of hopelessness that I just can't shake.
For the sake of anonymity, I will not give any names today, but I really was not expecting this sudden change of course.
Anyhow, the person in question asked me today if I still experienced any of the same feelings for her that I once did, and if so, exactly how strong they are.
As she asked the question, many feelings started to resurface, while others seemed to remain dormant, but the answer was still a resounding "Yes."
I thought about it for a second after she asked, which quickly led down a relatively sad path. I didn't really want to dwell on it, but it kind of happened and just like that, well.. I'm here writing this, aren't I?
And as for how much I still care about her? Well, a lot. I do still have feelings for her, but they are nowhere near as strong as they used to be in some ways, despite being even stronger in others.
To be fair, I clearly have mixed feelings.
On one hand, I feel a deep connection with her that I really don't think I've ever felt for anyone; at least in this particular way. It's not something that can really be explained, but it's there.
But on the other hand, I know that there's no real hope. She would never want to be with me, no matter how thin, fit, rich, successful, close or happy I were to ever be. She's said so herself, and it did hurt quite a lot at one point in time. It's one of the most discouraging and hurtful things that anyone has ever said to me, even if she didn't actually want to hurt me in saying so.
Still, acceptance took a while, but it did happen. I was able to recover, move on and live just fine without even thinking about her for a long while. I dated a few times and even went back to that psychotic ex-girlfriend of mine, but in the end, I was left alone and sad.
Even as I sit here writing this, I am still upset over my most recent ex-girlfriend. She did quite a few things to me and this time, it was partially my own fault for actually giving in and letting her have another chance, knowing full well that she would only screw me over again.
I don't really know how to handle this situation. It's true that things are not awkward between her and I, we have a great friendship and we both know that we'll be there for each other forever. That's just how it is and always will be. But honestly, there's still that part of me that will always hope for more, even knowing that it just wont happen because she has absolutely no interest.
It's almost like being the male best friend in any number of movies. He doesn't stand a chance, but he's hopelessly in love with his female best friend. And in some movies, he may get the girl. But in others, you know it wont happen; it can't. It's not meant to be. They're just friends and that's how things will remain for eternity.
It's both amazing and terrible. The friendship will always be wonderful, but I feel like I'll always be cursed by my feelings.
I wish there were a way that I could just wish away my feelings, so that I could remain perfectly content with friendship and never crave more. Too bad it's not possible, huh?
I will say this, though: She always makes me laugh, and we share many wonderful moments that just don't compare to those that I share with most other people. Only a small selection of people make me feel this comfortable, and she's right there at the top. I can't get enough of her, and it sucks balls that she doesn't feel the same way.
And for the record, I have a few other wonderful friends. Reami is indeed the coolest female friend a guy could ever ask for. But it's different with her; I don't have feelings like this. She's like the awesome sister that I wish I had my entire life, while the other person is someone that I feel like I could actually spend my life with. I feel like we really are that compatibe, and I've always felt that way. I guess she doesn't see it that way, though.
This whole thing makes absolutely no sense. I don't know what's wrong with me. I always seem to put myself in the most hopeless situations. It's almost like my brain craves things that it can never have, and ONLY those things. I just don't get it.
Oh well. That's life. I'll sleep on it and hopefully forget about it in the morning. Or at the very least, I'll deal with it. Things will be okay. I know they will. But I really wish I could come out on top and obtain what I really want. I guess I'm just doomed in this case.