Wednesday, August 1, 2012
WARNING: This is an uncensored, unedited and "no holds barred" blog. I really need to vent. Most of you likely wont be offended, but a handful of you will see things here and question me, asking why I placed those things here. The answer is simple: Truth. I'm not going to hide in the shadows alone and deal with this stuff alone anymore. I need my support group, and my friends love me for who I am. If you don't like it, get out of my life and stay far away from me and my kind.
I love many parts of my life, but there are others that make me feel like an insignificant waste of space.
Everything from my place in my family to my brother's wedding, finances, jobs, death, health; just everything. I can't stop thinking about these things when my mind locks on to any of those various subjects, and it just keeps branching out until they've all been covered. It's overwhelming and I can't get these thoughts under control.
Lately, the most depressing thoughts are those of death, love (and love lost), favoritism, jobs and my place in various "circles". I just can't shake the thought of being worthless and eventually, dying off before my life has any sort of real meaning to anyone, myself included.
Perhaps it's just me being uncontrollably negative. Or, perhaps my life really is meaningless; I'm not sure. It's terrifying no matter which side I approach this from.
To kick this whole thing off, let me point out that I have indeed stayed completely away from alcohol. I have had no desire to drink even so much as a single beer or even one shot of vodka. There have indeed been a few nights of recreational fun, but those did not involve anything too dangerous. Panic attacks one time, yes, but that was the cause of a very badly planned night that took a quick turn for the worse and just kept spiraling downward. I will likely never forget that night, nor will I forgive the other person involved.
Overall, I've basically been sober and have not had an extreme desire to do any sort of drug. I've been having more than enough fun doing other things; I don't need to get blasted out of my mind to enjoy myself and I know that better now than I ever had in the past.
So anyway, right now, my brother's wedding is a very hot topic throughout our entire group of families and our various circles of mutual friends; rightfully so! I mean, my younger brother is freakin' getting married! It's almost hard to believe in some respects strictly because he's MY younger brother, ya' know? I'm proud of him and I'm beyond honored that he chose me of all people to be his best man, but I feel like he chose the wrong person. I don't drive, I have little to no money, I have very few ways of getting directly involved in many of the wedding processes; it's something I feel very bad about. He told me that he chose his best man for very good reasons, but I just feel like these are big shoes to fill and that I don't measure up when placed in such an important situation. I'm probably just overanalyzing things, but still; I feel bad.
As usual, my financial situation is driving me crazy as well. I've had terrible luck finding a job and I feel like I have no real options. My brain feels too fried and messed up these days to really dedicate myself to any sort of school, but getting a good enough job without school or 'official' experience is very difficult. And with the higher cost of living these days, as well as my steadily increasing age, this is more of a problem than it ever has been. Most people my age are already knee-deep into some sort of career, while I'm running on little to no 'official' experience, with no sort of college or other stuff to push my resume up a notch or five. I feel like I'm stuck. No one can really help me, but I feel like I can't help myself; as if I've fucked myself over for life and there's no turning back or getting out, no matter how hard I try; I'm doomed.
And then there's the issue of driving. I'm afraid of getting my license because I have so many damn physical ticks. All it would take is one badly timed tick and I'd be dead, along with anyone else that just so happens to be nearby on the road. I don't want to hurt anyone else, nor do I want to die as a result of something so ridiculous, but it's just the reality of the situation. I cannot control Tourette's Syndrome; it controls me. There's not a damn thing I can do about that and it makes my life a living hell sometimes.
My immediate family is also as much of a problem as it can be helpful. Some days, I feel like they hate me. It's as if I'm nothing more than a family dog and a personal punching bag to most of them. But then, there are other, although far more rare days, when they throw all sorts of money at me and try to be nice, as if they're trying to buy my respect and love instead of actually having conversations and trying to get along the right way.
Don't get me wrong here, either! I do appreciate all of the financial help that my family gives me. I would be screwed without them. But seriously, none of that justifies treating me like crap and discouraging me every single second of every single day. I honestly feel like a worthless waste of space around my family most of the time because the verbal abuse is out of hand. Even with stuff like weight loss; the proof is in the numbers, but they always deny it and act like I'm never going to succeed. It's always something, and a lot of my friends have witnessed this and keep telling me to get out of this house. I just wish it were that easy.
At least my friends are (mostly) awesome, though. Matt Collins, Reami, Matt Zoch, my brother; plenty of others are all awesome and they help me cope with everything. Even if it's just a simple night indoors playing video games and talking, or an awesome trip to Six Flags for some water park adventures; I have a great time and I don't really dwell on depressing things too much in those situations. I wish I could have my friends around 24/7, but that's not entirely possible! There are a few bad seeds, all of which are being cut out of my life, but those are far fewer these days than they used to be.
Another major issue has been my time with my ex-girlfriend, Emily Dean. Those of you that have met her have had many choice things to say, ranging from sweet to very harsh. The overall summary would be a massive negaitve opinion of both her and her family, but those opinions and who said what will be kept confidential.
That's not exactly the point, but it does relate to the situation. I was told by many people to avoid her after the first time we broke up, but I didn't listen. And yes, I was very well ready to move on at one point, but it only took one moment of stupidity for me to fall back into that trap. My feelings all started rushing back into my heart and I just couldn't say no to another shot. That shot, though, is exactly what's hurting my heart.
After all of that stuff she put me and others through, she came to the conclusion that she is not in love with me. Everyone was and still is baffled. No one understands; not even me. But it hurts and honestly, I suspect her family is the cause. They ruin everything, no matter how much they want to deny it. It's all or nothing in favor of their family, every single time. Everyone outside of their little bubble sees it, but inside of their bubble, everyone else is wrong. It's fucked up and they all need serious help.
One of the other recurring problems is, simply put, death. I keep imagining life without my parents, grandparents, brother, sister, various friends; everyone, myself included. I don't want anyone to fade away, but death is inevitable. Eventually, everyone must go and I do not wish this to be fact. It's hard to come to terms with such things after death has been thrown in my face multiple times over the past few years. All I can keep thinking is, who's next? When will they die? Why will they die? How will life change when that person is gone?
It's freakin' terrifying, above and beyond all else. My mind is a screwed up and very morbid place, but this topic is easily the most destructive of them all. I can't shake the creep of death and I don't know how to escape these thoughts; maybe I can't. I just don't know, but I'm afraid of death taking anyone close to me.
It's all too much. My life is one big terror-filled ride that I just can't escape. That's just life, I guess, but I hope things get better.
For now, I'm done. We'll see how long it takes me to add to this blog. It seems like my breaks keep getting longer and longer.