Creeps

All right, I know I've already posted 2 blogs today, but I'm ready for round 3.

Why, you ask?

Because I don't know what the hell is going on anymore.

I don't mean that in a completely literal sense. I just mean that my mind is wandering off into the darkest territory and I can't stop it. It just keeps going down those roads; the ones I write about, that you all know of by now.

Lately, it's been very rough. Panic attacks, sleeping either too much or too little, zoning in and out, randomly going from ecstatic to depressed; it sucks.

I've had these problems throughout my entire life, but it keeps getting worse as time goes by, as if I'm meant to be depressed forever, regardless of whether or not I'm successful, in love or whatever.

I just wish I had a real escape and not temporary relief. I don't want to be on medication forever. I don't want to be forced into speaking with a psychologist every week. I don't want to feel like I need someone by my side to keep me company.

I just can't escape. I want to be normal; is that so much to ask? I mean, I guess it is. This is the hand I've been dealt and I have to deal with it. But shit, it sucks.

Even as I sit here conversing with one of my favorite people, I just can't shake those things going on in the back of my mind, creeping in between my other thoughts. I can't get rid of these demons.

I'm not being literal; I'm not a loon. I just wish I had this stuff under control.