Saturday, September 15, 2012
Once upon a time, I was innocent. It's true. As with all life, I started innocent and even lasted longer than most before giving in to the darkness of my desires.
I loathed drugs, alcohol and the idea of ever risking one's own health for the sake of a quick high. I never lied. I never considered any sort of theft. I trusted everyone without question. I didn't cheat. I was as innocent and reserved as they came, and so much so that I felt it difficult to express myself. I simply did not speak of what troubled me, ever.
I look back and wonder what went wrong. How did I change so much? I do things that I know I should not be doing, even after questioning myself. It's like an impulse to just do the wrong thing.
Now, before we continue, let it be known that I am by no means a cheat or a constant liar. That's not what I'm getting at. I'm just far different from my younger self, and I cannot control some of these terrible impulses.
I've been good about the whole alcohol thing. I've planned my CompTIA training. I've cut out quite a few people that were only making my life worse. I mean, I've really been putting effort into creating a better future for myself.
Still, I keep doing the wrong thing. At least, from my own perspective. But really, I'm not sure what "right" really means anymore.
I don't feel like I can truly vent here or anywhere about those things that trouble me. I'm conflicted. But really, how can I have any sort of hope, or faith in myself, when I can't even trust myself? I just don't know anymore...