Friday, February 1, 2013
My first "massive" blog of 2013
Today, like many days, I woke up to the annoying sounds of my nephew. But wait! There was a change! IT WAS 5 IN THE FREAKIN' MORNING! And then he went at it again at 8!
Suffice it to say, I didn't sleep as much as I'd hoped and I'm feeling kinda' grumpy and annoyed.
Anyway, I've had a lot of time to reflect on things lately. There's quite a bit on my mind, including some old demons that have come back to haunt me yet again. I'll be discussing everything, even if nearly no one will actually read this in it's entirety.
But first, I need to get a few things out of the way...
Sometimes, what I have to say may offend people, or even hurt them. In most cases, this is literally caused by their lack of proper interpretation and a major twisting of words, to the point that what was said had been completely taken out of context. This is mostly a girl thing, as I rarely experience this problem with guys, but it's one of the single most obnoxious and frustrating things out there, period.
Girls, if we say something, we generally stand by it. There is almost never some sort of crazy message to decipher, and we almost never mean things in the crazy way that you tend to interpret them. Twisting words around, or even outright adding simple words to change the entire meaning of what we actually say is a totally pointless thing and only drives people insane.
On the subject of misinterpretation and twisting things around, I think I need to say this: OPINIONS ARE NOT FACTS. They are also generally not a reason to lash out, unless they involve something like racism or other serious matters that actually MEAN something. Essentially ripping your friends apart, calling them names or even outright questioning their sexuality just because they enjoy something is downright stupid. Disagree with someone all day long, but keep it respectful, and even more so when it involves those you care about.
And finally, I need to let this out. STOP BLAMING OTHER THINGS FOR YOUR LACK OF PARENTAL SKILLS! If your child is a violent douchebag that never does as he/she is told, it's only because YOU raised them to be as such! YOU chose to let them stay up late at night for an adult horror film! YOU chose to purchase them those new violent video games! It's YOUR FAULT, as the parent, and there is no excuse! Rating systems exist for a reason, so start using them!
Now that I've covered those bases, it's time to go a bit deeper...
Cutting all of the crap, we all know that I attempted suicide during the summer of 2012. I was hospitalized and came out of there feeling like a totally different person for a while. And heck, to this day, I still don't really feel like myself in some ways.
What's important about that, if it's old news?
I'm starting to unravel a bit. I feel depressed quite often, and at times, even to the point that I don't want to leave my bed. Just getting by has become a chore, and I'm seriously beginning to question what the point of my life may really be.
Why am I here?
What good do I put into this world?
I mean, seriously. What's the point? My own mother has told me twice now that she wishes I'd have succeeded, and I'm told all sorts of other negative things on an almost daily basis.
If my own family isn't supportive, who do I really have?
I feel as though I have great friends, but unfortunately, my closest friends are no good at dealing with this stuff. Sometimes, a few particular people even tend to lash out and make me feel worse.
I don't need that kind of negative influence. I already have enough of that. I am not the kind of person that deals with this sort of stuff easily, and sometimes, yes, I need a shoulder to lean on.
But is said shoulder available? Rarely. I usually tough things out on my own until I break down, which results in all sorts of madness. There's no balance to my chaos, and it really sucks.
As for the reasons...
Well, the first and more obvious reason is my immediate family as a whole, and for the same reasons I've been going on about forever.
Every day, I wake up to the sounds of my nephew acting like a jackass and insulting everyone because he doesn't get his way. This continues later, and likely several times until he does eventually get his way, regardless of what "his may" involves at the time.
Every day, my own mother insults me and rips me apart for no real reason. If I tell her I've lost some weight, she shakes her head in disgust and tells me "No you haven't. Stop lying." in a serious tone, and seriously keeps going, putting me down as far as she can. If I so much as attempt to defend myself, I get yelled at for being a bad son, and she questions me, asking what kind of son would ever act that way, talking herself up to be some amazing and supportive mother, and acting like she never said or did anything wrong. She then proceeds to say she can't take this, and throws a pity party about her bad heart.
Yes, it's true; she has a bad heart. But she was told by her doctor to stop smoking and to stop drinking coffee or it could be the death of her. She still does it, and complains that her heart is racing, or having trouble or whatever.
But this brings about yet another point: Despite how messed up this situation is, I don't want to lose my parents. No one does, I know, but it's all I've ever known. It's a scary though.
And on the other side of this, if they go, the kids are screwed, and for the time being, so are my sister and I.
And you know what? She and my stepfather support me financially. It's true. But emotionally? They break me down to the point that I literally feel worthless. No amount of money will fix that. So I'm torn here, and it eats me up every second of every day.
And Dad? Well, that in itself is yet another piece of this maddening puzzle that I call a life.
He's the most intentionally annoying person I've ever met, and most people will tell you that it's just "how he is". He likes to annoy people, and does it constantly. But what most people will never tell you is that he has always had this sort of disrespect and what almost seems like hatred for me. Like, I seriously feel as though he doesn't care about me because I'm not his blood.
He tries to stand in my way constantly, denies me any opportunity that he has any control of and literally calls me worthless, fat and other various things. He's only even civil to me because he has to be when he's in certain situations.
And again, he has the same heart problems as Mom, and was also told the same things by his doctor, but then turned around and kept going about his usual business. He's even worse, though, and smokes a LOT of cigarettes. He even wakes up many times throughout the night just to take a smoke break. HE WAKES UP JUST TO SMOKE. That's BAD.
Both of my parents treat me like garbage, and act like I'm more of an expensive family dog than a human being or a part of this family. I don't even know what else to say about them.
My sister is just as bad, though, but for different reasons...
Now, almost everyone I know that's met her simply does not like her. They act civil and are nice to her because they have to be; it's a respect thing. Their reasons for disliking her tend to be similar, typically based around her attitude/personality and her lack of parental skill.
She doesn't have any regard for the feelings of those around her, and only pretends to do so at times when she wants to be a part of soemthing. She is the definitive attention whore, and is perhaps the greediest, self-centered, self-righteous and stuck up person I've ever met. She can never be wrong, everyone else is alway wrong, and she always has tons of mean stuff to say about every single person she comes across.
And yes, that probably means you. She talks trash about every family member and friend she's ever had.
To give you an idea of the sort of person she is, let me paint a picture based on a conversation she had with Mom the other day...
Mom was getting on my sister's case over her cell phone. She ignores her kids, and the world around her in favor of playing games, texting and surfing the web on her phone. I mean, it's BAD. She literally will let her 2 year old child scream and cry downstairs in her crib when she wakes up from a nap because she's texting or playing a game. When questioned, she simply says "She'll be fine!" and keeps going about her business for 10-20 minutes. That's an ETERNITY for a small child, all alone in a pitch black basement.
So, moving on, my sister actually tried to bring me into the argument, saying that she's not the only one of my mother's children that lives here. She promptly proceeded to compare herself to me, claiming that it's "the same thing" and that I should be forced to do a whole lot more.
Mom wrote that off for once, and starting saying that having 3 children live here, which are more or less under the care of both her and dad half the time, is completely different. They break shit, they ruin the house, they keep us up, they cost a LOT of money; all sorts of stuff.
My sister's defense? "What? No, it IS the same thing! I live here, just like him, and that's it! My kids having nothing to do with this!"
And so when Mom really got into it, my sister called her a bitch and acted like we should all throw her a pity party.
My sister has this extreme sense of entitlement with everything. If our mother wont watch her children for a night, she throws a fit until our mother breaks down and does it anyway. She seriously feels like our parents "owe" this to her, and that she should not have to, you know, raise her own children.
The kids, though? On a good day, both of the girls are not too bad, but my nephew is almost always atrocious. A "good" day for him is like, one or two fits instead of a billion.
But yeah, to break this down a bit, I've become closer to my oldest niece recently, which is nice, but my nephew and I have never been farther apart. I refuse to support his attitude and his behavior, so I no longer allow him to come play video games with me, or even so much as come sit and watch my niece play.
I told him several times, if he kept acting the way he did, he would no longer be allowed to do those things. And I also warned him that I'm not like his mother or grandmother; I will stand by these things. He didn't believe me, kept going and now, he doesn't even try. He knows I wont allow him in her until I've seen him change his ways and treat people with respect.
But will he change? Not without proper guidance, and I can't do that alone. My family wont let me. So, he's pretty much screwed. He'll grow up to be a woman beater, a murderer or something else that's just as bad.
My youngest niece loves me to pieces, so there's always that. She always asks to come see me, and she lights up whenever she does. She's my little girl and she knows it.
And again, my oldest niece is always nice to me and tries to come hang out with me almost every day. The girls are fine, and I appreciate that. It's just my nephew, but I worry about that...
Is he a lost cause? What will actually become of him?
I mean, what the heck?
He's 8 years old and plays games like Grand Theft Auto, Saint's Row, Call of Duty; mature games. I wouldn't even let an early teen play something along the lines of Saint's Row, and DEFINITELY not an 8 year old!
He tells adults to shut their mouth, disobeys what they tell him, argues absolutely everything, always has to be right and throws extreme fits over absolutely everything. Even if he drops a single piece of candy, he screams, yells and throws a loud temper tantrum that you would liken to that of being in serious danger. It's outrageous.
My family is, in a word, ridiculous.
But there is one positive member...
My brother is awesome, and we bond when we can. We typically go out to eat, catch up and discuss random stuff in the process. It's a weekly/bi-weekly thing and I hope it continues indefinitely, as he is the one star of this family, and the person I value most in this entire world. If anything ever happened to him, I'd probably lose my shit.
When he and his wife were married, although I hid it well with my shades, I shed a few tears. That day meant as much to me as it did to him, and I was happier than I'd been for a very long time. The fact that he chose me as his best man made it that much better. He's such a great guy, and I'm thankful to have him in my life.
Family isn't the only part of life, though, and I have quite a bit more to cover.
On the medical side, I'm extremely worried and also being driven to the brink of insanity.
Not only is my personal case of anxiety getting worse, but so is my Tourette's Syndrome. It manifests itself constantly, and my ticks are growing much stronger. I can barely keep my eyes open when I start the face-straining ticks. It's bothering me to no end.
But more importantly, I've been having a lot of weird issues with my body that I cannot get checked out because I have no insurance. Serious stuff, like weird feelings in my arms/shoulders, pulses in my head, rapidly declining vision, entire bodyparts going numb when I lay in certain positions and even major heart problems. It's getting out of hand, and I can't get PAC because my parents claim me on their taxes.
That's not even counting my serious case of depression, the panic attacks caused by my anxiety, my random ear infections, trouble breathing (as well as asthma itself), allergies and all sorts of other things. I'm a freakin' wreck!
And honestly, I'm terrified! I don't want to die, but what if that's what's going on? What if I don't even live to see 30? I don't know what to expect at this point, and this is another one of those things that I cannot stop thinking about!
Financially, I also lack... well, everything. I STILL apply for jobs almost daily, but I've obviously had no luck; not even a single phone call or interview. This is becoming a major problem as well. I'd at least be better off if I had like $10,000 to pay off backed up medical bills from the ER and such, but that's not a sum of money that people just randomly come in to. I wish, though.. I really wish.
And mentally, the final nail in my proverbial coffin; I feel worthless. It's that simple, and I don't think I need to say much more about it.
That's not to mention the fact that I have no license, and likely wouldn't use one even if I had it. My facial straining ticks are so damn bad anymore that I'd probably die the second I hit the road. It's sad, too, because I think cars are pretty awesome. This obviously makes getting around a problem, though...
And with that, I think it's time to get into the whole love life thing. I'm sure some of you have been curious about this, as I haven't really talked about it for a while, but here goes nothing...
I've been talking to many people, reaching out and just sort of taking things as they come. I have not actively been seeking a relationship, but if one were to sort of just happen, I would not complain. I just can't actively seek one because I don't have the resources, transportation or confidence. That's where I'm at.
There is one problem, though: My ex. And yes, THAT ex; the one that's become a serious nuisance.
See, I've given her a chance to talk. I've drunk texted/called her, which was a bad idea. That was my own mistake and it definitely led into unsurprising territory, where we set up a date to hang out and she bailed out. I own up to it and I admit my fault; no running from this.
BUT! I can safely say that I'd never initiate such contact with her on sober terms, and most of the time, I don't even attempt it if I'm drinking; not that I drink much anymore to begin with.
But anyway, whether or not I drunk dial/text her, she wont leave me alone. She constantly sends me text messages, and asks people about me. She fishes for information about me on a daily basis. She stalks the hell out of me on Facebook, too, using accounts of family members/friends.
The bottom line is this: I'm over her, but I feel obligated to follow through if I do something stupid and drunk text/dial her. My reasoning is that I don't like to be a liar, and I dislike the idea of doing to others what she has done to me. It's not exactly the best reason, but that's just how it is.
Is it sad? Perhaps. And I definitely don't feel any sort of attachment or true love for her anymore. That likely will never be possible unless she does a complete 180 and becomes a totally different person.
I mean, come on, she still makes up stories, lies constantly and acts like it's totally okay. She is, for all intents and purposes, both an adult child and a sociopath. No one wants to be with that sort of person.
We all get lonely, though...
So yeah, to recap: 99% of the time, I do not talk to her, even for a second. When I do talk to her, it tends to be the result of alcohol at very crazy hours, when no one else is awake. I start feeling lonely, anxiety settles in and it just sort of happens. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is and that's life.
Although, if I knew someone else were awake at crazy hours like that, I'd likely call that person instead. Just throwing that out there!
Moving along, there are several people that I look forward to, but of them, I only tend to have lengthy conversations with one person recently. That person is Sara. She is hilarious, and our conversations tend to keep me laughing and at least in a somewhat better mood even during the craziest of hours. She's a cool lady, and a major part of why I've actually left my bed every day instead of simply staying there. Even though she probably wont ever see or read this: Thank you, Sara! You're more of a help than you realize, for sure!
Also, I do miss my "all day long" conversations with a certain someone, though. It was hard to stay sad when that was a daily factor. It was almost like medicine. I had to have it or I couldn't go about my day! I guess things change, though. I'm not happy about this, but I don't know what to do about it to fix stuff long term...
I don't know, there is quite a bit of stuff I could get into at this point that just feels... wrong. At least, right now it does. If the mood strikes, I'll get into those other things another day.
For now, though, this is it. I hope this catches some of you up. I'm alive... barely!