Visions Of Death

"When I feel that something, I want to hold your hand."

     Right now, that's sort of how I feel. I can't escape this very dark and lonely space. When I reach out for help, there's no response; physical or otherwise. My mind has been wandering into the farthest reaches of depression and I see no viable escape.

     All of this has been the result of several serious scares. Primarily, the heart attacks of both of my parents. They both had them within' the time span of the same year, surgery included. They were both told to stop smoking, cut out caffeine and quit drinking, but what happened? Not a damn thing. They both still smoke a lot. They both still have alcoholic drinks and beer whenever they want. They both still drink tons of coffee on a daily basis with a whole lot of sugar. They are effectively killing themselves without regard to the world or people around them.

What about their grand kids?

What about their children?

What about their parents?

What about their siblings?

     I'm scared, to put it lightly. Not only for myself, but also for everyone else. The death of either or both of my parents will be a huge loss when that time comes, but that time does not have to be right now.

     What can I possibly do about this situation? I've confronted them, only to be met with laughs, pity trips and other such things. They even go as far as to contradict what they've previously said and done. It's one big circle and there are no breaks.

     There are many other things on my mind, but this is what's really been bothering me. Death surrounds us, but it's getting far too close to my own heart at this point and I don't know how to proceed.

     I'll consider writing more later, but for now, good night.

Too Much

All right, I think I'll spill the beans. Prepare for a rather dark and depressing ramble.

As many of you know, I've been experiencing a serious bout of depression. I've shared bits and pieces with various people, but I've yet to share the entirety of what has been keeping me grounded in a very dark place.

First, I want to point out that the general life stuff is definitely a part of this. Who doesn't factor those things in, after all? Such things include trouble finding another job, family stress, lack of money, trouble with sleep, inability to concentrate, loss of direction; all of those various things. That stuff comes and goes, but it's always the tip of the iceberg when shit hits the fan; it's what sets me over the top and makes me crack.

Next, my Mother and I rarely get along, but she had a heart attack about a month ago. Dad also had one a few months back. What does this mean? A lot, actually. I was not told about any of this stuff until after the fact, I was not invited to see either of them when they were hospitalized and the threat of possibly losing both of my parents within' a small period of time out of nowhere is pretty damn terrifying. Not only was I quite sad that my own family did not wish to include me when such devastating things happened, but I was also dealing with the possibility of losing both of my parents. Heart attacks are just the beginning of the end, as I've heard. Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but I can't shake that creeping feeling.

Then there's the issue of my health. Yes, I'm a big guy, but that's not exactly what I'm referring to. I'm more referring to my constant wrist/arm pain, the back issues I've had for a very long time (which are not related to my weight; I have a serious back spasm problem), Asthma, Tourette's Syndrome, terrible allergies, insane anxiety/panic disorder, dry eye syndrome (not that bad usually, but combined with allergies, it sucks), serious sleeping problems (sometimes it's too much, sometimes it's very little or even not at all), my knees/ankles/tendons/neck all have problems; I'm a freakin' mess. I even have heart problems. I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow.

Now, we come to another big problem: Relationships. My most recent ex-girlfriend, as pretty much everyone knows by now, is crazy. I gave her many chances; perhaps far too many. Even recently, I talked to her for a brief period of time, met up with her and gave her a chance to speak her mind. I had hoped to see some sort of change, or that things would just end there for good; neither of those things happened.

However, the real point here is that she wont leave me alone. Ever. Not a day goes by in which I hear that she's mentioned me, asked about me or tried to message me on MySpace, or from a new e-mail account. She is desperate to hear back from me, even after I've told her that we are incompatible and that I just don't have any interest in being with someone that cannot stop lying. And before you question this, I mean it. She literally lies about everything; even stupid things that people shouldn't care about, sometimes including such things as what she's had to eat, or what video game she may be playing. It's outrageous.

Still, she will not get the hint. She just keeps getting on my case, trying to get my friends and family to leak information and forcing her way into my life in any way that she can. And you know what? It's freakin' annoying! It adds a whole layer of stress that I never thought possible.

And on top of that? I've genuinely taken interest in two different people since I ended things between Emily and I. One of them kind of faded out, which I guess is fine, although disappointing. But the other? She led me to believe that there was some sort of emotion there. Not love; not on either end, but definitely something. She went on a date, she acted very interested and even gave off all of those small physical signals that say, "I'm comfortable with you and I want to see where this goes".

As it turns out, she's a liar. She was telling other people that she's into someone else, has 0 feelings for me and was "under the impression that she was hanging out with me and other friends". Right. I specifically asked her to go out on a date to see a movie and get some ice cream, clarified that it was a date and pointed out that it was just her and I; no others, no double date; nothing. I've never removed someone from my life so quick. Block, block and more block! Not interested in that kinda' mess!

The final issue that I will discuss for the day is friendship. Now, you may be curious as to why this is on the list at all. Isn't friendship a great thing? And you would be right to question this, as friendship is definitely supposed to be a fantastic thing. But lately, there have been some serious problems that have been causing me to rethink the status of friendship with various people.

Stating that whether or not a movie, song or game is good or bad is a fact, not an opinion? Screw that. Constantly asking me to do things that I'm known to dislike? No thanks. Twisting my words around and/or "putting words into my mouth"? Pass. Being disrespectful of my property, or personal space? Not interested. Getting upset at me for turning down an invite to do something I just don't feel like doing? Grow up.

Now, I realize that no one is perfect. I have flaws just like everyone else. There are times when I'm pretty damn unresponsive to almost everyone because I'm either busy or I just don't feel like talking. If I don't feel like talking, it is what it is. I need my time and space. And my major problem is my memory. No joke; I forget to reply later when I'm feeling better or am no longer busy. It sucks, but that's just how I am. I hate it just as much as everyone else.

I also realize that I have good friends in many ways. They do things for me. They try to help when they can. Most of them are good listeners, even if they don't have much to say back. And I absolutely love my friends, but shit, chill out.

Dinner is ready, so I'm off to eat and then perhaps take a trip to Best Buy. I'm done rambling for now. Have a good one, whoever you are.

-S

Anticipation: A gamer's best friend AND worst enemy

With games Saint's Row: The Third, Gears of War 3 and The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, 2011 was definitely a wonderful year. There was plenty of good gaming crammed into the handful of awesome games, but I definitely felt as though 2011 was a serious let down.

I had a lot of fun with Saint's Row, Gears, Skyrim, MW3, the BF3 campaign, Disgaea 4, White Knight Chronicles II and a handful of other games, but there was also lot of time spent playing my backlog and various Xbox Live Arcade games just to fill the gaps in between the few good new releases.

I wont sit here and give you a rundown of details, but I would definitely give Saint's Row: The Third and Disgaea 4 my "Game Of The Year" award; it's a tie between the two. Both games had me going for quite some time, and neither were annoying or unfun at any point.

While 2012 looks to be an amazing year for gamers across the globe, 2011 definitely had it's moments.

So far, Kingdoms of Amalur: Recknoning, Syndicate, Mario Party 9 and Mass Effect 3 have dropped, with Resident Evil: Operation Racoon City coming out a week from now. Throw in Silent Hill: Downpour tomorrow, Silent Hill HD Collection later this month and many other games coming throughout the rest of the year, which includes Resident Evil 6 and a new Devil May Cry, and you're looking at one very happy Steve.

I feel like I've already had more fun this year than I did last year just due to sheer anticipation! Who knows, though? That could all change when the games actually hit store shelves. Some of them can and most likely will turn out far worse than expected, while other games will be unexpected surprises.

The new Nintendo console, currently titled the "Wii-U", is also set for a release a bit later in the year. With around 3 times the power of the current generation of gaming consoles, a slew of new features, a more streamlined controller and the supposed definitive versions of multiconsole releases, it's hard not to be excited, even if only to see what happens in application upon the console's release and the following first few months of it's lifespan.

I guess, in the end, we'll just have to see what happens. But one thing's for sure: I'm as excited as ever!

Over and out!

Summarized Update

There has been quite a lot going on, but for the most part, I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was during the final months of year 2011.

Anyone that's been in touch with me over the past year can attest to the fact that 2011 was a year filled with grief, most of which came from two specific sources; my most recent ex-girlfriend and my family. There were also a few other serious things thrown into the mix, some of which are still lingering.

Now, that ex-girlfriend is no longer a problem and while my family has indeed been obnoxious, I've tried my best to lay low just a bit. This approach seems to help my sanity. To what end, I'm not certain. But I can tell you that I am indeed a happier person.

I am still unemployed, but rather than drive myself and everyone around me insane with complaints, I've tried my best to keep to myself and remain occupied. Applications, video games, social gatherings, long conversations, working out, writing; anything I can find to keep myself busy.

This has all led to a sort of restructuring of my circles. My inner circle remains mostly unchanged, while virtually everyone else has been shifted around. While I do miss how close I once was with a few of them, I cannot force things. That's just now how friendship works. So, given the circumstances, the end result has been fairly positive. I could use more direct social interaction with a few specific people, though.

My current state of mind isn't so bad, although I feel an anxiety attack settling in. Hopefully a few cookies, a glass of water and some light music will help.

I was going to write more, but I've been watching tech videos on YouTube for about an hour and a half. Such is life!

Until next time...

Back to the beginning

WARNING: This post contains a few things that could offend those not interested in themes of a potential sexual nature. I have tried my best to keep things relatively tasteful, but if something offends you, don't blame me. I try to keep names out of the picture, so people don't know who I'm referring to and I try not to push things too far, but sometimes, I can only do so much when there's a point to be made. You have been warned!

I was sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing, when my brain decided to take a trip down memory lane. I was remembering bad things, such as the hell I went through during my grade school life. I was remember good things, like the the year I woke up to a Super Nintendo for Christmas. My mind was all over the place.

But then, something crazy happened--I started thinking about my first real relationship. From the early days of our first encounter in an AOL chat rooms, my mind played out the entire relationship within' a matter of seconds. I literally remembered everything I'd been through during that period of my life. Some of it was absolutely amazing, while other parts were downright fucked up, but ultimately, that relationship is part of my life and I will never forget or reger those days.

The memory that has always stood out the most was our first real date; it was such a fairytale. No one could have predicted what would eventually become a night that both of us will remember for the rest of our lives, for sure.

It all started when Mom offered to take the family on a quick one day vacation to the surrounding area near her location. The road trip itself was decent and Mom even bought me two new CDs at a Best Buy on the way, which I listened to multiple times throughout the journey to and from the hotel.

When we arrived at our destination, which I believe was called the Mcintosh Hotel, we hung around for a short while and did a whole lot of nothing. I got in touch with my ex, finalized our plans and made sure I was ready for the night. I had no idea what to expect and back then, I was as shy as they come. If you compared the way I am now to the way I was back then, it's as if I am literally a different person. Hell, I'm involved in various forms of PR now, while I could barely gather the courage talk to a person I did not know back then.

Anyway, after waiting for a short while, we went out to the mall and I waited with my family for my ex to show up. It was a test of my patience, for sure. I was nervous, shaking, terrified; all of that good stuff. Crazy thoughts were running through my head and I had absolutely no idea what to talk about, how to greet her or what to say to her friends. I was a complete wreck in the back of my mind, but I tried my best not to let it show.

Eventually, she showed up and I was floored. At the time, I thought there was no living creature as beautiful as she was. In that moment, my heart started racing, my blood pressure started rising and I felt like I had been locked in place with that missing piece of my personal puzzle. It was truly a moment that I will never forget; the first time I really felt the injection of Love. It was one hell of a rush, but I was still locked up like a fortress, so no one else knew what was going on inside this crazy mind of mine.

So, my family split up and I wandered off with my ex and her friends. We started talking casually and a few cheesy things were said. It was all like the beginning of a crazy romance comedy. The shy guy with social anxiety matched up with the sexy socialite on a family road trip, which all started through a chance encounter on the internet. Yep, it was definitely like that. In fact, I should write a damn script. But I degress, as it gets even more ridiculous.

After meeting up with the majority of her remaining friends, the rest of them wound up veering off to do other stuff for a short while. When that happened, my ex and I finally started making phyiscal contact by holding hands and getting close outside of Hot Topic. She had to make the first move because I was just that shy. Had she not done so, I'm not even sure that I would have made a move. The extent of my introversion was mindblowing.

When we finally got over the whole initial physical contact thing, we found ourselves at the movie theater, where we chose to see the movie "Momento", which, to this day, is one of my favorite movies of all-time, despite not having watched much of it that night. I had very good reason for missing out on most of the movie, as my ex took it upon herself to introduce me to the concept of kising. That's right. My first kiss happened during the first day we met, during our first date, in the middle of a movie theater. And it was amazing.

Now, I'm pretty sure I was no good at kissing because I'd never done so, but it sure did feel great. There was an explosion of emotions all over the place. My body was tingling. I was starting to open up. She had removed the chains that bound parts of me that I didn't even know existed. Of course, I felt that whole fireworks thing and did not want to let go of her.

We were making out, staying close and trying to get closer. Nothing could stop us. But then, out of nowhere, the movie projector shut off and the lights went out. Something had happened that no one could have predicted. We were all surprised when we discovered that the power went out, but the employees distributed free movie passes and sent us on our way. Everyone else was upset, but my ex and I? We definitely didn't care.

Outside, as we stood waiting for her ride, it was pouring down raining. It was so cold, she was shivering. But, being the cheesy guy I am, I stood there, holding her and shielding her from the rain. I took the weather blast like a champ, just so she wouldn't have to. And in that moment, the reality of the situation really hit me. I was in love and nothing else mattered.

When her ride showed up, I barely said anything until we showed up to the hotel. As I left the car, I definitely left a fart for her friends and lied about it. I rarely lie about my gas, but I was trying to avoid looking like a jerk and I couldn't help it. It literally just... happened. Inside, I was both laughing at myself and beating myself up, but it didn't stop it. No one really cared, despite them saying something to me and questioning the act.

Inside of the hotel, we met up with my family, who then left us alone for a short while. This, ladies and gentlemen, is where the magic happened. I will come straight out and say it: We did not have sex. We did make out a bit and we were going to attempt it, but I was so nervous that it didn't happen. I couldn't keep it up, if you get my drift. I just wasn't ready to make that jump. I mean, it was my first night with a real woman laying in my arms and she was already taking her clothes off and trying to jump my bones, but I couldn't get myself up. I thought something was wrong, but after clearing my head and taking a quick potty break in the bathroom, I realized that I was NOT ready for that at all.

So, we just continued laying together. We enjoyed the company and just continued falling even deeper in love. When my family arrived, we rushed to get dressed and headed out to the car, where Mom proceeded to take her home while I sat in the back seat like a little puppy dog going to the pound. I KNEW she was about to be taken away from me until I could see her again and my heart was not happy about that at all.

And so, my first real date, which was full of crazy first experiences, was at an end and my family left, only to head back home in the morning. It was a very fun experience and one that I will never forget, even if things did not end so well in the long run.

Since then, I've had a ton of great experiences. A few ended with a mutual understanding, while others involved me getting screwed over. While it can hurt to remember any of those experiences, including things dating back to even my pre-teen life, it also helps me to remember that I'm a strong person. I made it through all of those things and I'll damn well make it through a whole lot more. My life isn't over yet and I refuse to give up that easily. Depression may have a tight grip, but it cannot keep me down forever.

I'd like to close this post with these words: Life is full of experiences. Some are amazing, while others will tear you down. A few will start off wonderful, then turn around and kick you where it hurts, stripping that smile from your face. But in the end, those experiences create us from the ground up and ultimately, define who we are. You may not be able to choose everything that happens to you throughout life, but when you do make a choice, try not to regret it, no matter how bad it may be. You are who you are. Keep it that way.

Good night.

Temporary optimism

Days like this definitely help to put a positive spin on things. My perspective shifts from rock bottom to the highest point of the tallest mountain, even if only for a single day.

Today, I spent time hanging out with someone that I rarely see in person. We were originally supposed to just spend a few hours at the mall, so she could get some Christmas shopping. After were done, however, we spent a good hour and a half in Red Robin, then we came back to my place and played Rock Band 3 for 6 hours. That's right. 6 HOURS. And it was amazing!

Now, I don't typically play any single game for that long in a single sitting and honestly, I kinda' get bored of Rock Band in general after an hour or two, tops. But this time? We rocked out from 11pm to after 5AM and no one had a single complaint. The entire thing was pure fun and everyone ended the night on a happy, satisfying note.

Also, one of my friends helped me out by doing something that I straight up said I didn't have the balls to do--He removed the wasp nest from my window, which has been in this for many years. He did it without a hitch. Nothing remains and not a single wasp attacked, thanks to the cold weather killing them off for the season. As an added bonus, the (broken) air conditioner has been taken out, which leaves plenty of room for this huge window to let the cold air in. Since the heat is always on full blast, that's a very much needed winter blast. Otherwise, I'll end up burning up all day.

From here, seeing as I really don't have a whole lot else to say at the moment, it's time to wind down and get into bed; hopefully before the sun completely rises. But I will say this: I really hope that I get to spend more time like this with the people that I care about. It sucks being the odd man out or just outright being blown off. And hell, sometimes, I feel like I'm just not cool enough or important enough. But days like this prove me wrong; At least, in my own mind.

And for the record, I miss quite a few people right now. Hopefully the holiday spirit will bring us all together. Hell, maybe I'll get lucky enough for my friend from California to come visit. Or maybe I'll get rich and afford to pay her a visit! (Riiight.. I wish! Haha)

Anyway, good night ladies and gentlemen! Have a great day!

Best Wii Games

I'm going to keep this simple. As the title implies, this is a simple list of my favorite Wii games. There are quite a few games here, spanning across multiple genres and even into downright weird territory. Whether you simply don't know what's out there or even if you're a Nintendo hater, this is what I would consider to be the definitive list, multiplatform games included. I hope this list can be of some use and if not, well, don't blame me! You chose to read it, remember?!

Here comes the list!

Animal Crossing: City Folk
Arc Rise Fantasia
Babysitting Mama
Baroque
Bit.Trip Complete
Boom Blox
Boom Blox Bash Party
Broken Sword: Shadow of the Templars (Director's Cut)
Bully: Scholarship Edition
Cake Mania: In The Mix!
Call of Duty 3
Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
Call of Duty: Black Ops
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
Call of Duty: World at War
Castle of Shikigami III
Castlevania Judgement
The Conduit
The Conduit 2
Cooking Mama: Cook Off
Cooking Mama: World Kitchen
Crazy Machines
Cursed Mountain
de Blob
de Blob 2
Dead Space: Extraction
Disney's Epic Mickey
Donkey Kong Country Returns
Donkey Kong Taru Jet Race (Japanese)
Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3
Dragon Quest Swords: The Masked Queen and The Tower of Mirrors
Fatal Frame 4: Mask of the Lunar Eclipse (Japanese[English Patch available])
Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn
Geometry Wars: Galaxies
Goldeneye 007
Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus
The House of The Dead 2 & 3 Return
The House of The Dead: Overkill
Jewel Quest Trilogy
Just Dance
Just Dance 2
Just Dancd 3
Just Dance Summer Party
Kirby's Epic Yarn
Kirby's Return to Dream Land
The Last Story (Japanese)
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
LEGO Batman
LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4
LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures
LEGO Indiana Jones 2: The Adventure Continus
LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean
LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga
LEGO Star Wars III: The Clone Wars
Little King's Story
Lost in Shadow
Luxor: Pharaoh's Challenge
MadWorld
Manhunt 2 (Uncensored patch available)
Mario Kart Wii
Mario Party 8
Mario Power Tennis (New Wii Play Control)
Mario Super Sluggers
Metal Slug Anthology
Metroid Prime: Trilogy
Metroid: Other M
Mini Golf Resort
Minna no Rhythm Tengoku (Japanese)
Monopoly Streets
Monster Hunter 3
Mortal Kombat Armageddon
Muramasa: The Demon Blade
Mushroom Men: The Spore Wars
New Super Mario Bros. Wii
No More Heroes
No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle
Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers
Okami
Pikmin (New Wii Play Control)
Pikmin 2 (PAL region; New Play Control)
Pinball Hall of Fame: The Williams Collection
Rabbids Go Home
Rajirugi Noa Wii (Japanese)
Raving Rabbids Party Collection
Raving Rabbids: Travel In Time
Rayman Origins
Red Steel 2
Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition
Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles
Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles
Sam & Max: Season One
Sam & Max: Beyond Time And Space
Samurai Warriors 3
Shiren The Wanderer
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories
Sin & Punishment: Star Successor
Sonic and the Black Knight
Sonic and the Secret Rings
Sonic Colors
Sonic Unleashed
SpongeBob's Truth or Square
Super Mario All-Stars
Super Mario Galaxy
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Super Paper Mario
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Taiko no Tatsujin Wii (Japanese)
Taiko no Tatsujin Wii: Dodoon to 2 Daime! (Japanese)
Taiko no Tatsujin wii: Minna de Party 3 Daime! (Japanese)
Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World
Tatsunoko vs. Capcom: Ultimate All-Stars
Trauma Center: New Blood
Trauma Center: Second Opinion
Trauma Team
Ultimate Shooting Collection
Valhalla Knights: Eldar Saga
Wario Land: Shake It
WarioWare: Smooth Moves
We Love Golf!
Wii Fit
Wii Fit Plus
Wii Party
Wii Play
Wii Play Motion
Wii Sports
Wii Sports Resort
Xenoblade Chronicles (PAL region; Full English voices and text)
You Don't Know Jack
Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
Zumba Fitness