Today is Thanksgiving. On this day, us Americans are meant to give thanks for what we have and ignore the problems of yesterday in an attempt to share great food and socialize among good friends and family. Traditions are formed, tons of food is consumed and in some cases, massive amounts of alcoholic beverages are downed all day long.
Now, it's true that I've been through a lot this year, but there are indeed things to smile about. Aside from the general stuff, such as the fact that I am currently still breathing, there's one thing in particular that I consider to be the most important thing that has happened to me in the year 2011: The many new friends that I've made. I already have trouble imagining what life would be like without those people!
So, I say to my friends and family, old and new: Eat up, drink up and enjoy one of the best days of the year. Without you, life just wouldn't be the same. I love you all! And to all of you that are no longer with us, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, too. We will forever cherish our memories with you. Rest in peace.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Not bad
When I woke up today, I honestly thought I'd have nothing to do. I pretty much assumed that I'd be alone and depressed until exhaustion settled in. Suffice it to say, I was wrong.
My day started off relatively tame. I basically spent most of my time from 3pm-5pm on the internet doing a whole lot of nothing while I talked to a few people. But after that, one of my friends decided to make the awesome choice to invite me out to Cici's Pizza. Of course, I accepted, which led to a fun time, plenty of good food and when we went home, Modern Warfare 3 for several hours.
When we logged onto Xbox Live, two other people hopped aboard and joined us for our virtual mass murder. We all did relatively well, although we all had some pretty bad matches thrown into the mix, as well as our fair share of campers and lag hackers. Either way, fun was had and laughs were shared.
Now, I sit here reflecting on a few things while I mess around in the ridiculous city of Steelport in Saint's Row: The Third, which brings me to the overall point of this short post. As crazy as it sounds, this game helps me out quite a bit. It forces me to remember one key fact of life: Life is crazy, but what's the point without a little fun, even if "fun" is just virtually beating people with a dildo bat for a few moments? As they say in Zombieland, "Enjoy the little things."
Of course, this all means that, for the moment at least, I'm okay. I can definitely feel the demons crawling into my head, but maybe I can beat them just this once. And if not, I'll be back...
My day started off relatively tame. I basically spent most of my time from 3pm-5pm on the internet doing a whole lot of nothing while I talked to a few people. But after that, one of my friends decided to make the awesome choice to invite me out to Cici's Pizza. Of course, I accepted, which led to a fun time, plenty of good food and when we went home, Modern Warfare 3 for several hours.
When we logged onto Xbox Live, two other people hopped aboard and joined us for our virtual mass murder. We all did relatively well, although we all had some pretty bad matches thrown into the mix, as well as our fair share of campers and lag hackers. Either way, fun was had and laughs were shared.
Now, I sit here reflecting on a few things while I mess around in the ridiculous city of Steelport in Saint's Row: The Third, which brings me to the overall point of this short post. As crazy as it sounds, this game helps me out quite a bit. It forces me to remember one key fact of life: Life is crazy, but what's the point without a little fun, even if "fun" is just virtually beating people with a dildo bat for a few moments? As they say in Zombieland, "Enjoy the little things."
Of course, this all means that, for the moment at least, I'm okay. I can definitely feel the demons crawling into my head, but maybe I can beat them just this once. And if not, I'll be back...
Demons
Today, I was told that I should write more. While I've heard this before, the person that said this is someone that I respect a great deal. She seems as picky as I am when it comes to the whole writing thing. She's as intelligent as they come and as such, her words on the subject were more powerful than most.
Now, after watching a movie starring Kevin James and Vince Vaughn, as well as an episode of "Doogie Howser", I still cannot sleep. It's the perfect time to take her advice and release a small bit of my ever-growing madness.
To start, you may already know that I've been focusing heavily on death. I already touched bases with the subject yesterday, but there are two primary scenarios that have been replaying in my mind almost constantly. In both scenarios, people close to me pass away. Scenario A is the passing of either or both of my living parents, while Scenario B is my own passing. While there are other scenarios that come to mind, those are the two that have not stopped picking away at my sanity.
Yes, I realize that these things are natural. I also understand that I may be going overboard by dwelling on such a morbid and depressing subject. However, I feel as though there is no way to control these demons. I can't help but think of how meaningless my death will be to most people. I cannot shake the feeling that I will die alone. But on the other side of the same coin, life without my parents is going to be very different.
Call me crazy, but given the fact that my family and I have been together quite literally my entire life, it's hard to imagine how I would survive without them. While I am driven to the edge nearly every day due to their antics and discouraging words, they do indeed provide for me. When I have no income, they pay my bills. They put a roof over my head and yes, they feed me. They provide my sister and her kids with everything they have. We would not currently have cable, phones or the internet without my parents. There would be no power, food or even a home. As it stands, I feel as though I would not even have a place to go.
I am not proud of this. It hurts to feel like such a loser. I was never even taught how to use a mop until I worked at Wawa because my parents did almost everything for us growing up. To this day, Mom does laundry because it's a part of her routine. She handles most of the cooking and shopping. She hands me money from time to time if I'm too broke to do things. She makes sure our family has a great Christmas, even when we're broke. And that's just a small portion of what Mom does.
Dad drives us all insane, but he works 8-12 hours almost every single day and is on call almost all of the time. Why? To pay for all of this stuff, straight down to the random crap our household craves. If Mom wants coffee, he buys it. If I want Mountain Dew for MW3 XP, he pays for it. If we're hungry and it's decided that we're getting carryout or fast food, he doesn't hesitate to cover the costs. As annoying as he is, he is generally a good man that does his best to take care of his (big) family.
Despite the fact that they don't typically hesitate to do these things for us, it never ceases to make me feel like a worthless piece of junk. It always seems like the world is laughing at me, even though most people don't have a clue. I cannot afford to pay my own way and finding a (secure) job is proving to be very difficult. Even then, finding a way to actually survive off that amount of money is another difficult task in itself.
As it stands, no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape. I have good luck with trivial things, but the worst kind of luck with everything that actually matters. And at the end of the day, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. And even if I made that choice, I'm not so sure I'd make the trip unscathed, if I were to survive at all.
As the end of 2011 draws near, I grow to the age of twenty-eight. Almost three full decades of life on Earth and I still have not found any sort of real stable career, I've only held two "normal" jobs and I don't even have my license. And the worst part? I feel like things will never change, regardless of whatever attempts I may make.
Will I ever succeed?
For now, I bid you adieu. Good night, whoever you may be.
Now, after watching a movie starring Kevin James and Vince Vaughn, as well as an episode of "Doogie Howser", I still cannot sleep. It's the perfect time to take her advice and release a small bit of my ever-growing madness.
To start, you may already know that I've been focusing heavily on death. I already touched bases with the subject yesterday, but there are two primary scenarios that have been replaying in my mind almost constantly. In both scenarios, people close to me pass away. Scenario A is the passing of either or both of my living parents, while Scenario B is my own passing. While there are other scenarios that come to mind, those are the two that have not stopped picking away at my sanity.
Yes, I realize that these things are natural. I also understand that I may be going overboard by dwelling on such a morbid and depressing subject. However, I feel as though there is no way to control these demons. I can't help but think of how meaningless my death will be to most people. I cannot shake the feeling that I will die alone. But on the other side of the same coin, life without my parents is going to be very different.
Call me crazy, but given the fact that my family and I have been together quite literally my entire life, it's hard to imagine how I would survive without them. While I am driven to the edge nearly every day due to their antics and discouraging words, they do indeed provide for me. When I have no income, they pay my bills. They put a roof over my head and yes, they feed me. They provide my sister and her kids with everything they have. We would not currently have cable, phones or the internet without my parents. There would be no power, food or even a home. As it stands, I feel as though I would not even have a place to go.
I am not proud of this. It hurts to feel like such a loser. I was never even taught how to use a mop until I worked at Wawa because my parents did almost everything for us growing up. To this day, Mom does laundry because it's a part of her routine. She handles most of the cooking and shopping. She hands me money from time to time if I'm too broke to do things. She makes sure our family has a great Christmas, even when we're broke. And that's just a small portion of what Mom does.
Dad drives us all insane, but he works 8-12 hours almost every single day and is on call almost all of the time. Why? To pay for all of this stuff, straight down to the random crap our household craves. If Mom wants coffee, he buys it. If I want Mountain Dew for MW3 XP, he pays for it. If we're hungry and it's decided that we're getting carryout or fast food, he doesn't hesitate to cover the costs. As annoying as he is, he is generally a good man that does his best to take care of his (big) family.
Despite the fact that they don't typically hesitate to do these things for us, it never ceases to make me feel like a worthless piece of junk. It always seems like the world is laughing at me, even though most people don't have a clue. I cannot afford to pay my own way and finding a (secure) job is proving to be very difficult. Even then, finding a way to actually survive off that amount of money is another difficult task in itself.
As it stands, no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape. I have good luck with trivial things, but the worst kind of luck with everything that actually matters. And at the end of the day, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. And even if I made that choice, I'm not so sure I'd make the trip unscathed, if I were to survive at all.
As the end of 2011 draws near, I grow to the age of twenty-eight. Almost three full decades of life on Earth and I still have not found any sort of real stable career, I've only held two "normal" jobs and I don't even have my license. And the worst part? I feel like things will never change, regardless of whatever attempts I may make.
Will I ever succeed?
For now, I bid you adieu. Good night, whoever you may be.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Late night/early morning panic attack
Death.
Such a powerful word. It's all around us. Even in life, we are simply on course for the inevitable fade to black.
Why, then, are we here?
Some would argue that a higher power has some sort of plan for each and every one of us, while others will tell you that we simply exist.
To me, life and death coexist simply as parts of the same cycle. I see no need to debate what happens prior to or after life. What matters is the here and now, as the saying goes.
That said, my current direction seems non-existent. Circumstances change. What was once an awesome job with potentially amazing benefits turned out to be a place of hatred and ignorance. Or if we go farther back, what was once a fantastic relationship turned out to be one of the most painful breakups in my personal history. Parts of my life were ripped apart, piece by piece. Other parts remain completely unchanged. But there are indeed those areas of potential growth, which can both inspire me and tear me down all at once.
It's a fact that I've never been able to completely overcome my depression, but lately, the highs and lows are quite extreme. I can literally go from "Cloud 9" to a black hole within' a matter of seconds. And it's not like there's always a good reason, either. Most of the time, my past just comes back to haunt me. Sometimes, I can't even explain myself. It's terrible. I can't stand it.
I have a few things to be happy about. There are a few small rays of hope keeping me active enough to avoid a total fit of depression. But really, my brain is not something I can just walk away from. When my mind wanders, it really wanders.
Laying in bed, I had a panic attack. As soon as it happened, my brain instantly thought of death. One thing led to another and I was in "What happens when X person dies? We may not get along, but life wouldn't be the same! Or what about my parents? My brother? My sister? Everyone has to go sometime! X person is getting old!"
Why does this happen? Is it normal to freak out and think about these things so often? Why can't I just shake these thoughts off and be happy?
What the hell is wrong with me?!
I have friends, but there's no one that would answer their phone and talk to me all night while I'm in this kind of state. And who would blame them? As I write this, it's nearly 6AM. People need sleep. That's life. But even during the prime hours of the day, my own family tells me it's nothing and sends me away.
In short, it sucks.
We all have baggage, but there has to be at least a temporary escape. I need relief and death is not an option.
The creeping feeling of loneliness sure doesn't help, either. It sucks being alone at weird hours during a panic attack.
I don't know where to go from here.
Such a powerful word. It's all around us. Even in life, we are simply on course for the inevitable fade to black.
Why, then, are we here?
Some would argue that a higher power has some sort of plan for each and every one of us, while others will tell you that we simply exist.
To me, life and death coexist simply as parts of the same cycle. I see no need to debate what happens prior to or after life. What matters is the here and now, as the saying goes.
That said, my current direction seems non-existent. Circumstances change. What was once an awesome job with potentially amazing benefits turned out to be a place of hatred and ignorance. Or if we go farther back, what was once a fantastic relationship turned out to be one of the most painful breakups in my personal history. Parts of my life were ripped apart, piece by piece. Other parts remain completely unchanged. But there are indeed those areas of potential growth, which can both inspire me and tear me down all at once.
It's a fact that I've never been able to completely overcome my depression, but lately, the highs and lows are quite extreme. I can literally go from "Cloud 9" to a black hole within' a matter of seconds. And it's not like there's always a good reason, either. Most of the time, my past just comes back to haunt me. Sometimes, I can't even explain myself. It's terrible. I can't stand it.
I have a few things to be happy about. There are a few small rays of hope keeping me active enough to avoid a total fit of depression. But really, my brain is not something I can just walk away from. When my mind wanders, it really wanders.
Laying in bed, I had a panic attack. As soon as it happened, my brain instantly thought of death. One thing led to another and I was in "What happens when X person dies? We may not get along, but life wouldn't be the same! Or what about my parents? My brother? My sister? Everyone has to go sometime! X person is getting old!"
Why does this happen? Is it normal to freak out and think about these things so often? Why can't I just shake these thoughts off and be happy?
What the hell is wrong with me?!
I have friends, but there's no one that would answer their phone and talk to me all night while I'm in this kind of state. And who would blame them? As I write this, it's nearly 6AM. People need sleep. That's life. But even during the prime hours of the day, my own family tells me it's nothing and sends me away.
In short, it sucks.
We all have baggage, but there has to be at least a temporary escape. I need relief and death is not an option.
The creeping feeling of loneliness sure doesn't help, either. It sucks being alone at weird hours during a panic attack.
I don't know where to go from here.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Major Changes
You know, I wrote this thing several times in my head. I even started writing a few times, but really, there's no way around it. I've been emotionally fucked up for a while and it's all because of the major changes that I've been dealing with over the past year. There has been a lot of death, abuse, heartbreak and a plethora of other things that are bad enough when singled out, but combined, they are one hell of an emotional force. As a result, I'm having a lot of trouble moving on.
When my brother moved out, it was only slightly weird at first, but now it's incredibly hard to deal with. We had our disagreements, but he was the one person in the house that I got along with enough to talk to and share laughs with on a daily basis. I still remember the many days when we would yell through the hallway to talk to each other. But those days are no more. I have to text or call my brother to talk to him and even then, it's not often that I get to spend time with him. I suppose I get to spend more time with him than anyone else, aside from his awesome girlfriend and daughter, so that's cool. But even still, it's a big deal. The entire situation here has changed as a result. I'm very happy for all of them and I know they'll have a great life together. I guess it comes down to one fact: I miss my little brother.
Of course, that's not all. Most of you know that I've had plenty of trouble with my ex-girlfriend. That would all be nothing more than a memory, but it's difficult to let go. I know many of you have been in this situation, so you'll understand where I'm coming from. When I wake up, I want to roll over and see her there. When I'm watching a movie, I wish she were cuddled up with me. And as much as I may deny it, plenty of things still remind me of her. Even right down to the video games I play. It's very problematic because she's hurt me quite badly in some very fucked up ways and I realize that things probably wont get any better, yet somehow, in the back of my mind, there's that little voice that keeps telling me to give her another chance. That voice doesn't stop. It's like there's some immense force driving me towards her, even though she's done nothing but hurt me.
Speaking of relationships, lady trouble is not the only issue I've had. While I have plenty of awesome friends, quite a few people that I once considered to be "besties" have come to use me as a last resort. Even some people that I once considered to be my closest friends have simply left me in the dust, like some kind of casual acquaintance. It's rather obnoxious and quite frankly, it's another push in the wrong direction.
And then there's the issue of money. I've been screwed over and as a result, several very good job opportunities have passed me by. No matter how qualified I may be, regardless of how amazing an interview may be and even if I call them several times to inquire about each position, I just can't find work. Not even minimum wage work for 8 hours per week. Not even something decent "under the table." It's starting to really kill me. I have no money to do anything, I can't afford to pay my own bills, I can't afford health insurance and I definitely can't begin to get my life back together until I manage to find some kind of work. And I know, "You'll find one eventually, Steve!" But the point is, I need a job NOW. Not "eventually." It's driving me fucking crazy and is ruining my life in a very literal sense.
Tack on my crazy and often demoralizing and demeaning family. Throw in a dash of insmonia. Finally, add tons of panic attacks for good measure. That's my life.
My life was moving uphill. I was getting everything together, climbing that ladder and really starting to plan out a bit of school to get into some "proof" of what I know, to put it lightly. I was feeling good about myself, despite my lack of time.
Within' a year, I had it and lost it all. Everything has changed.
What happens next?
Personally, I have no idea where to go from here. I'll just keep trying until something positive happens, but I'm a realist. I understand that there's no guarantee. That's exactly what scares me right now.
What happens when serious stuff happens, like the death of parents? I don't want that to happen; no one does. But it's an unavoidable fact of life and you can never truly be prepared for that sort of thing. We don't get along very often, but my life would seemingly not even work without them at this point in time.
There's a lot of terrifying stuff going on in my mind and I honestly wish I could afford a real shrink right now. I don't know if I just need someone to talk to every week or some magic anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills, but whatever the case may be, my brain is in a very bad place right now.
I'm going to stop writing for now and attempt to get some sleep. For now, good night.
When my brother moved out, it was only slightly weird at first, but now it's incredibly hard to deal with. We had our disagreements, but he was the one person in the house that I got along with enough to talk to and share laughs with on a daily basis. I still remember the many days when we would yell through the hallway to talk to each other. But those days are no more. I have to text or call my brother to talk to him and even then, it's not often that I get to spend time with him. I suppose I get to spend more time with him than anyone else, aside from his awesome girlfriend and daughter, so that's cool. But even still, it's a big deal. The entire situation here has changed as a result. I'm very happy for all of them and I know they'll have a great life together. I guess it comes down to one fact: I miss my little brother.
Of course, that's not all. Most of you know that I've had plenty of trouble with my ex-girlfriend. That would all be nothing more than a memory, but it's difficult to let go. I know many of you have been in this situation, so you'll understand where I'm coming from. When I wake up, I want to roll over and see her there. When I'm watching a movie, I wish she were cuddled up with me. And as much as I may deny it, plenty of things still remind me of her. Even right down to the video games I play. It's very problematic because she's hurt me quite badly in some very fucked up ways and I realize that things probably wont get any better, yet somehow, in the back of my mind, there's that little voice that keeps telling me to give her another chance. That voice doesn't stop. It's like there's some immense force driving me towards her, even though she's done nothing but hurt me.
Speaking of relationships, lady trouble is not the only issue I've had. While I have plenty of awesome friends, quite a few people that I once considered to be "besties" have come to use me as a last resort. Even some people that I once considered to be my closest friends have simply left me in the dust, like some kind of casual acquaintance. It's rather obnoxious and quite frankly, it's another push in the wrong direction.
And then there's the issue of money. I've been screwed over and as a result, several very good job opportunities have passed me by. No matter how qualified I may be, regardless of how amazing an interview may be and even if I call them several times to inquire about each position, I just can't find work. Not even minimum wage work for 8 hours per week. Not even something decent "under the table." It's starting to really kill me. I have no money to do anything, I can't afford to pay my own bills, I can't afford health insurance and I definitely can't begin to get my life back together until I manage to find some kind of work. And I know, "You'll find one eventually, Steve!" But the point is, I need a job NOW. Not "eventually." It's driving me fucking crazy and is ruining my life in a very literal sense.
Tack on my crazy and often demoralizing and demeaning family. Throw in a dash of insmonia. Finally, add tons of panic attacks for good measure. That's my life.
My life was moving uphill. I was getting everything together, climbing that ladder and really starting to plan out a bit of school to get into some "proof" of what I know, to put it lightly. I was feeling good about myself, despite my lack of time.
Within' a year, I had it and lost it all. Everything has changed.
What happens next?
Personally, I have no idea where to go from here. I'll just keep trying until something positive happens, but I'm a realist. I understand that there's no guarantee. That's exactly what scares me right now.
What happens when serious stuff happens, like the death of parents? I don't want that to happen; no one does. But it's an unavoidable fact of life and you can never truly be prepared for that sort of thing. We don't get along very often, but my life would seemingly not even work without them at this point in time.
There's a lot of terrifying stuff going on in my mind and I honestly wish I could afford a real shrink right now. I don't know if I just need someone to talk to every week or some magic anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills, but whatever the case may be, my brain is in a very bad place right now.
I'm going to stop writing for now and attempt to get some sleep. For now, good night.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Dead Island
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
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DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
!!!YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
So, I've been caught in a crossfire lately. Some people say "Dead Island" is amazing, while others completely hate on it. Even the critics have a heavy bias, most of which seems to be based purely on first impressions and isolated issues.
This is where I put my foot down. I'm going to break the entire game down, piece by piece, and shed light on absolutely every aspect of this seemingly "love it or hate it" game because I'm tired of hearing such ridiculous claims based on what appears to be absolutely nothing.
It's time to cut the bullshit. Let's break everything down, bit by bit.
[Combat]
Almost the entire game is spent fighting groups of the undead using various melee weapons, ranging from hammers and wooden planks to machetes and hat stands. There are even katanas, although most of those seem to pop up only near the final portions of the game.
Guns do make an appearance, but there is only a small selection of firearms and ammo is scarce throughout most of the game. You can make your own ammo after a certain point, but you can only hold a small amount of ammo for each type of gun, which limits their overall usage.
There are a few parts of the game that involve slaughtering groups of humans. Most of the humans carry pistols, with a handful of them sporting assault rifles and shotguns. During these scenes, combat boils down to a series of rooms that feel like a dumbed down first-person shooter. Guns are clunky and aside from these scenes, relatively inefficient.
Molotov Cocktails and Grenades are also found here and there, but they can be just as harmful to the player as to the undead. There's also the possibility of completely destroying any survivors you may be escorting, as they tend to run into the still-burning flames.
I'd say the problem with the combat mechanics is a serious case of repetition. While there are new zombie types thrown into the mix from time to time, the game still boils down to spamming the left bumper and the right trigger with little to no actual skill involved. Throw in a weapon swap here and there to avoid broken weapons and you're pretty much done. That's the combat in a nutshell.
To elaborate on the idea of weapon durability, it's pretty much that simple. Weapons have a set number of durability points, which are drained every time a hit connects with an enemy. You can simply go to a workbench to repair weapons, which removes the need to constantly pick up new weapons in a pinch. And yes, it's true that completely broken weapons are far more expensive to repair, but money is such an easy thing to come by that it's almost a completely pointless argument.
On top of that, the death mechanics also take away the thrill of combat and really make this would-be difficult game a walk in the park. As it stands, death is just a minor setback. If you've played BioShock, you have a general idea of how death works in "Dead Island".
When you die, a timer counts down from 5 to 0. After the counter hits 0, you simply respawn at your last checkpoint and continue on your merry way. This would make the game a challenge, but there are checkpoints all over the place and the game leaves all enemies dead after you respawn. You can literally rush into a mob of enemies, kill a few, die, come back, rinse and repeat until they're all dead.
To be fair, you do retain your previous inventory status after respawning. If you used a grenade, it's gone. If you broke a weapon, it will still be broken. If you used all of your health packs, you guess it! They're gone, too! But this is barely a form of balance because the damage done by those lost items sticks. The game world stays persistent even after death.
So, to reiterate the point: This game would be hard as balls if death meant something, but as it stands, death means absolutely nothing. I understand allowing death as it is for players that prefer easy games, but there should be a toggle for players that want a real thrill. It's a shame that such a toggle doesn't exist, but there's always hope for a patch!
Much like "Borderlands", each of the 4 playable characters has a unique "Fury" mode, which allows them to do various things. Sam B., for example, goes into a fit of rage that allows him to punch enemies into the air, as well as regenerate extra health for every kill. His fists also gain a tremendous amount of damage during this mode.
These "Fury" abilities are unlocked using the skill system, but activating them requires the player to build up Rage, which accumulates by simply killing things, getting hurt and all sorts of other unlockable methods. When the Rage meter is filled, you simply hold down the appropriate button and go nuts. This can be a real lifesaver and really makes the game easy if you focus on building up the Fury skills early on.
Moving on, the final piece of combat in "Dead Island" is the stamina system. This is a basic idea that has been used in other games, so there's not a whole lot to explain. A bar pops up on screen every time you swing a weapon, as well as when you're sprinting. When the bar has been emptied, you must wait a few seconds to catch your breath before you can continue about your business. This adds a very small bit of micromanagement, but overall it's not a huge problem, since kicks drain absolutely no stamina and help to keep enemies at bay while you take a few steps back for 3-4 seconds.
[RPG Features]
There are a few basic RPG features tacked on for good measure, but I get the feeling that those things are far from necessary in this particular case. But even still, that's neither here nor there.
There's a level cap of 50, as well as a set of (mostly different) skill trees for each of the 4 playable characters. There's also a very basic loot system. Each of these mechanics comes together to form a system that comes very close to what "Borderlands" turned out to be.
Experience is gained from quests, kills and breaking limbs, just as in "Borderlands". You accept a quest, complete it, come back, turn it in, get your reward, rinse and repeat until the game is complete. Experience points eventually lead to a level up, which grants 1 skill point. Skill points are used to unlock various perks, which ultimately make your chosen character more capable of survival.
The skill trees contain things like health regeneration, increased inventory space, passive damage bonuses and the previously mentioned Fury talents. They're a nice addition, but aside from Fury, nothing is an absolute necessity. None of the Combat or Survival perks really make a huge difference, but they do give characters a slight (and very welcome) edge under pressure.
As for the loot system, it comes in the form of a very basic random stat/prefix design. When a weapon drops, the game generates a random set of stats within' the level range and modifies said attributes based on the prefix. For example, a "Toxic" prefix means lots of poison damage, while a "Heavy" prefix means a whole lot of extra bone-breaking power. This system allows for a bit of loot-whoring, but really there's not a whole lot of potential here because the best weapons are guaranteed quest rewards, which are set to your level. So, for example, if you hit the level cap of 50, then complete the quest for the best katana, it'll be the best version of the weapon in the game, which means you'll never need another weapon after you've upgraded it and tacked on your favorite weapon mod.
Speaking of which, weapons can also be upgraded and customized. Upgrades are simple (permanent) stat bonuses, which come in 4 levels. Most weapons come at level 1 and can be upgraded to level 4, each of which simply costs a random amount of money. The last level is always the most expensive, but also adds the highest amount of damage and the like.
Customization adds a prefix and custom design to the weapon. By finding a blueprint, gathering the materials and spending those materials with a small amount of cash, you can turn any weapon into a destructive powerhouse. The "Short-Circuit" mod, for example, is a very powerful lightning mod that adds heavy shock damage and a chance to completely paralyze (shock) enemies.
The visual changes are sometimes cool, but other times they look extremely "homebrew". That's the entire point, given that this game is supposed to be somewhat realistic, but it's hard to say, "THAT LOOKS AWESOME!" when a machete simply has 2 wires and a battery held up with some tape. In other cases, a spinning circle blade tacked onto a baseball bat, for example, are totally badass and a sight to behold.
[Vehicles]
This is going to be very brief, but I have to explain this because I've had a lot of questions from interested friends about this.
It's true that most of the game is spent on foot, but a good 10-15% of the game is spent driving around. It's a shame that this wasn't more varied because it's a fun little addition to break up the repetition from time to time.
There are only 3 real usable vehicles in the game: Trucks, Jeeps and an Armored Van. Of them, most of the driving time is spent in the exact same style of truck. Most of the time, the truck is going to be red or blue, but there are a few other colors here and there. For a few missions, there's an Armored Van. And for a specific sequence, there's a Jeep. That's it.
No cars. No exotic things. No helicopters. Not even cool skins or vinyls. It's just a solid color and a single type of truck.
And for the record, driving is simple. It's very unrealistic and the handling is far too good. Granted, this is not a racing sim, so it's to be expected. But I felt it necessary to point this stuff out to answer all of those questions.
[Story]
I'm going to go ahead and say it, no bullshit: The story sucks. In fact, it's quite literally "Escape The Island" with a very small twist at the end, which anyone that has a brain can see coming from miles away.
But to sum the premise up, a group of people are on an island resort, a crazy zombie outbreak occurs and the 4 main characters meet up. When they meet up, they fight for their lives across 4 acts, 3 of which are very lengthy. They go from an island to a city, then into a forest and finally, a prison, which ultimately leads to their escape.
Not much happens during the major cutscenes, the ending sucks and yes, there's hope for a proper sequel, so long as Techland is up to the task.
[Variation]
There's a decent bit of variation, but due to the length of each area, the change of scenery gets old quickly. Plus, there are a ton of reused textures, buildings and character models. The same goes for weapons; most of them are just the same model, but with a different name. This even applies to vehicles, which was clarified above.
Overall, there's not a whole lot of variation, as the game really does boil down to "Go from point A to point B, killing stuff along the way and possibly accomplish a very basic task". Escort quests, gather quests and simply going from point A to point B are the bread and butter of this game.
As for the enemy variation, there are a handful of zombies and then there are humans. Zombies range from explosive "Suicidal" zombies to very fast "Butcher" zombies, while humans are either wielding a firearm or a melee weapon. And yes, things do start feeling very repetitious after a point due to the lack of variation, but the character models change depending on the area, which keeps things feeling a bit different as you switch between the various areas of the game.
[Multiplayer]
The multiplayer is much like "Borderlands", but without the PVP and without the broken quest system.
There are 2 ways to play: Join another person or have someone join you.
Scenario 1: Someone joins you - You continue playing as normal, but with help. Your progress is saved. They do not gain any progress towards their single player game, but they retain all items, experience and rewards from their time playing with you.
Scenario 2: You join someone else - You drop out of your single player game and join them in their quest. All of their current quests are given to you, including any quests that you've completed. If they have it, you have it. You keep all experience, items, upgrades, rewards and everything else you obtain in these sessions, which are saved directly to your character for use in other single player/multiplayer sessions.
Clearly, the problem is that joining someone else means no progress for you. Even if you progress through quests you've yet to finish on your own, it does not save that progress to your single player game.
One important thing to note, though: If you reach a milestone, you do get your achievements. So if you clear an act, collect 120 objects, kill 250 enemies; whatever -- you still gain your achievements, regardless of whether or not you're online or playing solo.
This multiplayer system is a great way to play with and help out your friends, but if you're trying to progress through your own story mode, it's better to invite people to your game or simply play alone.
[Replayability]
I can easily see people replaying this game to make one of each character at level 50, or even just hopping between games to play with friends. Still, after every achievement is collected and friends are done with the game, there will be no reason to come back. It just doesn't have the same fun factor as things like "Dead Rising".
Even with that in mind, assuming you're the type of player to complete the game as every character, it will take a minimum of 10 hours per playthrough, cutting out all sidequests and only rushing through the required things to finish the game each time. A whole lot more if you're intent on re-exploring the game in it's entirety each and every time.
If you're just trying to beat the game, I'd say a good 12-13 hours if you only do the bare minimum. It took me just under 20 hours and I completed every sidequest and did a fair amount of exploring, as well as a few "pause the game for 30 minutes" sessions, so I would assume that a good 6-8 hours could be cut off that time by skipping the extras, since there is quite a lot of that stuff to be experienced.
[Graphics]
People have been complaining far too much about the visual quality found all throughout this game. It blows my mind. I think people are expecting more than the current generation of consoles can handle.
The resort is gorgeous, the forest is exactly what you would expect, the city looks exactly like I would imagine a run-down city would and the other areas, such as the prison, are equally well-made.
There are a few minor graphical glitches, but they are very rare. So rare, in fact, that I can only recall 1 particular instance, which only lasted for a few seconds. I could not recreate that glitch, either. And it was not game-breaking. It was just a weird cosmetic blemish in the ground that looked like pixelated grey blocks.
As for the actual texture quality, this game looks about as good as any other high-end console game. It wont match the power of "Crysis 2", "Killzone 3" or "Resident Evil 5", but considering the amount of content being dealt with, the "Chrome Engine 5" handles things very well.
If anyone tells you this game is ugly, punch them in the jeans. They clearly don't understand what "good graphics" are and probably expect everything to look like real life, in which case they should just go take a walk outside for a while.
[Summary]
At the end of the day, "Dead Island" is a great game, but it fails to meet the initial expectations based on the original gameplay footage, the trailers and the immense amount of marketing hype. It's a very fun experience that any zombie fan should delve into head-first, but don't expect the next big thing. This not the next big multiplayer zombie game and there are no groundbreaking features. It is exactly what it is: Dead Island.
Before I stop for the day, I need to say something else...
Do I think my opinion means more than your opinion? Definitely not. But if your opinion is not based on experience, I'll write it off. And if your opinion makes extreme claims that are not based on an actual bit of truth, you can proceed to suck a generous amount of dicks.
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
!!!YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT ANY SPOILERS! THERE MAY BE DEEP SPOILERS!
******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******
So, I've been caught in a crossfire lately. Some people say "Dead Island" is amazing, while others completely hate on it. Even the critics have a heavy bias, most of which seems to be based purely on first impressions and isolated issues.
This is where I put my foot down. I'm going to break the entire game down, piece by piece, and shed light on absolutely every aspect of this seemingly "love it or hate it" game because I'm tired of hearing such ridiculous claims based on what appears to be absolutely nothing.
It's time to cut the bullshit. Let's break everything down, bit by bit.
[Combat]
Almost the entire game is spent fighting groups of the undead using various melee weapons, ranging from hammers and wooden planks to machetes and hat stands. There are even katanas, although most of those seem to pop up only near the final portions of the game.
Guns do make an appearance, but there is only a small selection of firearms and ammo is scarce throughout most of the game. You can make your own ammo after a certain point, but you can only hold a small amount of ammo for each type of gun, which limits their overall usage.
There are a few parts of the game that involve slaughtering groups of humans. Most of the humans carry pistols, with a handful of them sporting assault rifles and shotguns. During these scenes, combat boils down to a series of rooms that feel like a dumbed down first-person shooter. Guns are clunky and aside from these scenes, relatively inefficient.
Molotov Cocktails and Grenades are also found here and there, but they can be just as harmful to the player as to the undead. There's also the possibility of completely destroying any survivors you may be escorting, as they tend to run into the still-burning flames.
I'd say the problem with the combat mechanics is a serious case of repetition. While there are new zombie types thrown into the mix from time to time, the game still boils down to spamming the left bumper and the right trigger with little to no actual skill involved. Throw in a weapon swap here and there to avoid broken weapons and you're pretty much done. That's the combat in a nutshell.
To elaborate on the idea of weapon durability, it's pretty much that simple. Weapons have a set number of durability points, which are drained every time a hit connects with an enemy. You can simply go to a workbench to repair weapons, which removes the need to constantly pick up new weapons in a pinch. And yes, it's true that completely broken weapons are far more expensive to repair, but money is such an easy thing to come by that it's almost a completely pointless argument.
On top of that, the death mechanics also take away the thrill of combat and really make this would-be difficult game a walk in the park. As it stands, death is just a minor setback. If you've played BioShock, you have a general idea of how death works in "Dead Island".
When you die, a timer counts down from 5 to 0. After the counter hits 0, you simply respawn at your last checkpoint and continue on your merry way. This would make the game a challenge, but there are checkpoints all over the place and the game leaves all enemies dead after you respawn. You can literally rush into a mob of enemies, kill a few, die, come back, rinse and repeat until they're all dead.
To be fair, you do retain your previous inventory status after respawning. If you used a grenade, it's gone. If you broke a weapon, it will still be broken. If you used all of your health packs, you guess it! They're gone, too! But this is barely a form of balance because the damage done by those lost items sticks. The game world stays persistent even after death.
So, to reiterate the point: This game would be hard as balls if death meant something, but as it stands, death means absolutely nothing. I understand allowing death as it is for players that prefer easy games, but there should be a toggle for players that want a real thrill. It's a shame that such a toggle doesn't exist, but there's always hope for a patch!
Much like "Borderlands", each of the 4 playable characters has a unique "Fury" mode, which allows them to do various things. Sam B., for example, goes into a fit of rage that allows him to punch enemies into the air, as well as regenerate extra health for every kill. His fists also gain a tremendous amount of damage during this mode.
These "Fury" abilities are unlocked using the skill system, but activating them requires the player to build up Rage, which accumulates by simply killing things, getting hurt and all sorts of other unlockable methods. When the Rage meter is filled, you simply hold down the appropriate button and go nuts. This can be a real lifesaver and really makes the game easy if you focus on building up the Fury skills early on.
Moving on, the final piece of combat in "Dead Island" is the stamina system. This is a basic idea that has been used in other games, so there's not a whole lot to explain. A bar pops up on screen every time you swing a weapon, as well as when you're sprinting. When the bar has been emptied, you must wait a few seconds to catch your breath before you can continue about your business. This adds a very small bit of micromanagement, but overall it's not a huge problem, since kicks drain absolutely no stamina and help to keep enemies at bay while you take a few steps back for 3-4 seconds.
[RPG Features]
There are a few basic RPG features tacked on for good measure, but I get the feeling that those things are far from necessary in this particular case. But even still, that's neither here nor there.
There's a level cap of 50, as well as a set of (mostly different) skill trees for each of the 4 playable characters. There's also a very basic loot system. Each of these mechanics comes together to form a system that comes very close to what "Borderlands" turned out to be.
Experience is gained from quests, kills and breaking limbs, just as in "Borderlands". You accept a quest, complete it, come back, turn it in, get your reward, rinse and repeat until the game is complete. Experience points eventually lead to a level up, which grants 1 skill point. Skill points are used to unlock various perks, which ultimately make your chosen character more capable of survival.
The skill trees contain things like health regeneration, increased inventory space, passive damage bonuses and the previously mentioned Fury talents. They're a nice addition, but aside from Fury, nothing is an absolute necessity. None of the Combat or Survival perks really make a huge difference, but they do give characters a slight (and very welcome) edge under pressure.
As for the loot system, it comes in the form of a very basic random stat/prefix design. When a weapon drops, the game generates a random set of stats within' the level range and modifies said attributes based on the prefix. For example, a "Toxic" prefix means lots of poison damage, while a "Heavy" prefix means a whole lot of extra bone-breaking power. This system allows for a bit of loot-whoring, but really there's not a whole lot of potential here because the best weapons are guaranteed quest rewards, which are set to your level. So, for example, if you hit the level cap of 50, then complete the quest for the best katana, it'll be the best version of the weapon in the game, which means you'll never need another weapon after you've upgraded it and tacked on your favorite weapon mod.
Speaking of which, weapons can also be upgraded and customized. Upgrades are simple (permanent) stat bonuses, which come in 4 levels. Most weapons come at level 1 and can be upgraded to level 4, each of which simply costs a random amount of money. The last level is always the most expensive, but also adds the highest amount of damage and the like.
Customization adds a prefix and custom design to the weapon. By finding a blueprint, gathering the materials and spending those materials with a small amount of cash, you can turn any weapon into a destructive powerhouse. The "Short-Circuit" mod, for example, is a very powerful lightning mod that adds heavy shock damage and a chance to completely paralyze (shock) enemies.
The visual changes are sometimes cool, but other times they look extremely "homebrew". That's the entire point, given that this game is supposed to be somewhat realistic, but it's hard to say, "THAT LOOKS AWESOME!" when a machete simply has 2 wires and a battery held up with some tape. In other cases, a spinning circle blade tacked onto a baseball bat, for example, are totally badass and a sight to behold.
[Vehicles]
This is going to be very brief, but I have to explain this because I've had a lot of questions from interested friends about this.
It's true that most of the game is spent on foot, but a good 10-15% of the game is spent driving around. It's a shame that this wasn't more varied because it's a fun little addition to break up the repetition from time to time.
There are only 3 real usable vehicles in the game: Trucks, Jeeps and an Armored Van. Of them, most of the driving time is spent in the exact same style of truck. Most of the time, the truck is going to be red or blue, but there are a few other colors here and there. For a few missions, there's an Armored Van. And for a specific sequence, there's a Jeep. That's it.
No cars. No exotic things. No helicopters. Not even cool skins or vinyls. It's just a solid color and a single type of truck.
And for the record, driving is simple. It's very unrealistic and the handling is far too good. Granted, this is not a racing sim, so it's to be expected. But I felt it necessary to point this stuff out to answer all of those questions.
[Story]
I'm going to go ahead and say it, no bullshit: The story sucks. In fact, it's quite literally "Escape The Island" with a very small twist at the end, which anyone that has a brain can see coming from miles away.
But to sum the premise up, a group of people are on an island resort, a crazy zombie outbreak occurs and the 4 main characters meet up. When they meet up, they fight for their lives across 4 acts, 3 of which are very lengthy. They go from an island to a city, then into a forest and finally, a prison, which ultimately leads to their escape.
Not much happens during the major cutscenes, the ending sucks and yes, there's hope for a proper sequel, so long as Techland is up to the task.
[Variation]
There's a decent bit of variation, but due to the length of each area, the change of scenery gets old quickly. Plus, there are a ton of reused textures, buildings and character models. The same goes for weapons; most of them are just the same model, but with a different name. This even applies to vehicles, which was clarified above.
Overall, there's not a whole lot of variation, as the game really does boil down to "Go from point A to point B, killing stuff along the way and possibly accomplish a very basic task". Escort quests, gather quests and simply going from point A to point B are the bread and butter of this game.
As for the enemy variation, there are a handful of zombies and then there are humans. Zombies range from explosive "Suicidal" zombies to very fast "Butcher" zombies, while humans are either wielding a firearm or a melee weapon. And yes, things do start feeling very repetitious after a point due to the lack of variation, but the character models change depending on the area, which keeps things feeling a bit different as you switch between the various areas of the game.
[Multiplayer]
The multiplayer is much like "Borderlands", but without the PVP and without the broken quest system.
There are 2 ways to play: Join another person or have someone join you.
Scenario 1: Someone joins you - You continue playing as normal, but with help. Your progress is saved. They do not gain any progress towards their single player game, but they retain all items, experience and rewards from their time playing with you.
Scenario 2: You join someone else - You drop out of your single player game and join them in their quest. All of their current quests are given to you, including any quests that you've completed. If they have it, you have it. You keep all experience, items, upgrades, rewards and everything else you obtain in these sessions, which are saved directly to your character for use in other single player/multiplayer sessions.
Clearly, the problem is that joining someone else means no progress for you. Even if you progress through quests you've yet to finish on your own, it does not save that progress to your single player game.
One important thing to note, though: If you reach a milestone, you do get your achievements. So if you clear an act, collect 120 objects, kill 250 enemies; whatever -- you still gain your achievements, regardless of whether or not you're online or playing solo.
This multiplayer system is a great way to play with and help out your friends, but if you're trying to progress through your own story mode, it's better to invite people to your game or simply play alone.
[Replayability]
I can easily see people replaying this game to make one of each character at level 50, or even just hopping between games to play with friends. Still, after every achievement is collected and friends are done with the game, there will be no reason to come back. It just doesn't have the same fun factor as things like "Dead Rising".
Even with that in mind, assuming you're the type of player to complete the game as every character, it will take a minimum of 10 hours per playthrough, cutting out all sidequests and only rushing through the required things to finish the game each time. A whole lot more if you're intent on re-exploring the game in it's entirety each and every time.
If you're just trying to beat the game, I'd say a good 12-13 hours if you only do the bare minimum. It took me just under 20 hours and I completed every sidequest and did a fair amount of exploring, as well as a few "pause the game for 30 minutes" sessions, so I would assume that a good 6-8 hours could be cut off that time by skipping the extras, since there is quite a lot of that stuff to be experienced.
[Graphics]
People have been complaining far too much about the visual quality found all throughout this game. It blows my mind. I think people are expecting more than the current generation of consoles can handle.
The resort is gorgeous, the forest is exactly what you would expect, the city looks exactly like I would imagine a run-down city would and the other areas, such as the prison, are equally well-made.
There are a few minor graphical glitches, but they are very rare. So rare, in fact, that I can only recall 1 particular instance, which only lasted for a few seconds. I could not recreate that glitch, either. And it was not game-breaking. It was just a weird cosmetic blemish in the ground that looked like pixelated grey blocks.
As for the actual texture quality, this game looks about as good as any other high-end console game. It wont match the power of "Crysis 2", "Killzone 3" or "Resident Evil 5", but considering the amount of content being dealt with, the "Chrome Engine 5" handles things very well.
If anyone tells you this game is ugly, punch them in the jeans. They clearly don't understand what "good graphics" are and probably expect everything to look like real life, in which case they should just go take a walk outside for a while.
[Summary]
At the end of the day, "Dead Island" is a great game, but it fails to meet the initial expectations based on the original gameplay footage, the trailers and the immense amount of marketing hype. It's a very fun experience that any zombie fan should delve into head-first, but don't expect the next big thing. This not the next big multiplayer zombie game and there are no groundbreaking features. It is exactly what it is: Dead Island.
Before I stop for the day, I need to say something else...
Do I think my opinion means more than your opinion? Definitely not. But if your opinion is not based on experience, I'll write it off. And if your opinion makes extreme claims that are not based on an actual bit of truth, you can proceed to suck a generous amount of dicks.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Comeback
Life comes with two guarantees: A beginning and an end. How your life plays out is, for the most part, your choice.
There's also a bit of luck, whether it be good or bad, but otherwise, you call the shots. No matter how you may think or what you may feel, you nearly always have a choice.
You are in control of your own life. There is no driving force choosing your course of actions. You have free will.
Now, all of that may seem pointless and rehashed, but there's a reason that I felt compelled to explain such basic concepts of life: Love.
Most of you know that I was in a relationship that started shortly after I met my ex-girlfriend. Her and I clicked immediately and fell in love. It was pure and innocent. The whole thing was wonderful. We felt like nothing could stop us and it showed. People even thought that we would get married someday, simply based on how happy we were. We never even had serious arguments.
Well, such a good thing had to come to an end. Say what you will, but I truly did not expect an end with her. I loved her deeply and I wanted nothing more than to take her as my bride and settle down. Far off in the future, of course. But even still, it was a nice thought.
Before I go on, please take note that I'm not going to sit here and write up everything that happened yet again, so please go back and check out older posts if you feel the need to catch up.
Anyway, after all was said and done, she kept pressing my buttons. She kept saying, but not doing. She kept barking, but not biting. She kept claiming that she was in control of her life, yet she had not done a single thing of her own free will. Her family owned her and they still do.
Yes, I know that may sound cruel, but it's the truth. She has a great relationship with her family, but it's to the point that she will not do anything without her mother's approval.
And of course, there was also the constant lies. I can not deal with the lies. There's a difference between lying and being a liar. She is a liar. It's the worst case of this I've ever encountered, even compared to good ol' Dan Gibson and a few choice others.
I do love her. Please do not make the mistake of assuming otherwise. However, I must stay away from her until that love has completely faded. I must move on. I cannot allow myself to be lied to, pushed aside and hurt constantly. I cannot allow myself to give in to her begging, only to be pushed down and hurt all over again each and every time.
That said, there comes a time when a relationship is damaged beyond repair. It sucks. It's unfortunate. But you know what? That's life.
I have to move on. I will move on. And while that love is still fading, I'm ready to face the world again while the rest of that leaves my system. It wont take forever, after all.
So, I say to you: I was dead inside, but now I'm alive. I had no desire to fight, but I have been reinvigorated. I was depressed far more than I ever had been, but I'm starting to enjoy life again. I have problems, but they will not pin me down forever. Things are rough, but life will get better eventually.
I was lost, but the fog has been lifted and I'm on my way back.
Fire in heart, heart in hand, fist clenched; I'm ready. Let's rock.
There's also a bit of luck, whether it be good or bad, but otherwise, you call the shots. No matter how you may think or what you may feel, you nearly always have a choice.
You are in control of your own life. There is no driving force choosing your course of actions. You have free will.
Now, all of that may seem pointless and rehashed, but there's a reason that I felt compelled to explain such basic concepts of life: Love.
Most of you know that I was in a relationship that started shortly after I met my ex-girlfriend. Her and I clicked immediately and fell in love. It was pure and innocent. The whole thing was wonderful. We felt like nothing could stop us and it showed. People even thought that we would get married someday, simply based on how happy we were. We never even had serious arguments.
Well, such a good thing had to come to an end. Say what you will, but I truly did not expect an end with her. I loved her deeply and I wanted nothing more than to take her as my bride and settle down. Far off in the future, of course. But even still, it was a nice thought.
Before I go on, please take note that I'm not going to sit here and write up everything that happened yet again, so please go back and check out older posts if you feel the need to catch up.
Anyway, after all was said and done, she kept pressing my buttons. She kept saying, but not doing. She kept barking, but not biting. She kept claiming that she was in control of her life, yet she had not done a single thing of her own free will. Her family owned her and they still do.
Yes, I know that may sound cruel, but it's the truth. She has a great relationship with her family, but it's to the point that she will not do anything without her mother's approval.
And of course, there was also the constant lies. I can not deal with the lies. There's a difference between lying and being a liar. She is a liar. It's the worst case of this I've ever encountered, even compared to good ol' Dan Gibson and a few choice others.
I do love her. Please do not make the mistake of assuming otherwise. However, I must stay away from her until that love has completely faded. I must move on. I cannot allow myself to be lied to, pushed aside and hurt constantly. I cannot allow myself to give in to her begging, only to be pushed down and hurt all over again each and every time.
That said, there comes a time when a relationship is damaged beyond repair. It sucks. It's unfortunate. But you know what? That's life.
I have to move on. I will move on. And while that love is still fading, I'm ready to face the world again while the rest of that leaves my system. It wont take forever, after all.
So, I say to you: I was dead inside, but now I'm alive. I had no desire to fight, but I have been reinvigorated. I was depressed far more than I ever had been, but I'm starting to enjoy life again. I have problems, but they will not pin me down forever. Things are rough, but life will get better eventually.
I was lost, but the fog has been lifted and I'm on my way back.
Fire in heart, heart in hand, fist clenched; I'm ready. Let's rock.
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