Wasteful

Tonight, I'm lost in thought about all of the things I feel like I've thrown away over the years and I feel bad about it; like I'm wasting both my own money and the money that other people have invested into me and the things I enjoy.

It's a commonly known fact that I get rid of games, consoles and other various things when I feel like I need a change. Whether I've played a game into the ground, don't like it or even just feel like playing around with something new, I trade around. It's just kind of what I've always done, even as a little kid.

What I didn't realize as a kid, which ultimately led to a habit that's difficult to break even when I have money, is that everyone rips you off if you let them. In particular, GameStop/EBGames have ripped me off more than anyone else I know and it was all by choice, even down to recent transactions when I felt the need to have different games and video game consoles.

Now, I'm kind of stuck on the idea of trading things around. I could save up and buy a new game, or Mom and Dad could give me a $500 gaming console for Christmas and eventually, I'll likely get rid of it in favor of having something different, even if that means I end up losing out a lot in the trade.

I've grown much smarter about this over the years, only trading big ticket items when it's fair or heavily in my favor, depending on how attached I am to any specific object. I still don't really think about it when I trade games around, though and I tend to go nuts, getting rid of $300-400 worth of games just to get $80-120 worth of store credit somewhere for another set of games that I'll end up getting rid of for jack shit when I'm done with them.

Some of you may think this is just silly, but this is a habit that's difficult to break because I feel like it's so necessary to my lifestyle as a serious gamer. Until I find a job that makes enough money to fund my gaming habits without any sort of stress, I'll still be trading to get the games I want.

Still, I feel terrible about a few things. As an example, let me share a brief story.

I had $1,000 when my birth father passed away, and what happened? I spent all of it right away on video games; every last penny. I had every game console, a ton of good games, accessories; the works. It was awesome, but also sort of a waste because I turned around and got rid of most of it relatively fast for a very small fraction of what I paid. I was pretty damn stupid.

I've owned several of each gaming console, only to get rid of them and eventually get many of them back, which I then turn around and get rid of yet again. PSP, DS, PS3, Xbox 360, 3DS, DreamCast, PS2, Wii; you name it, I've had it, and likely traded it away again at some point. And in most cases, picked it up yet again at another point.

Why do I do this, even when I'm attached to things? I can't answer that question directly; not without a full explanation. The short answer, though, is change; I like it.

I enjoy nostalgia as much as the next person, but I absolutely love change. Even when I'm sometimes getting ripped off, the thrill of something different rushes through me like a drug; it's intense and I can't really explain it, but it's freakin' awesome.

Some of you likely think this is crazy and have no understanding of such a concept, but I assure you, it feels worth it in my mind. At least, during the period of change. It does eventually fade and I want something different again, but that's okay; there's always something different out there.

Despite how awesome it feels, and the fact that I'm at least smart about maximizing my trades/values in various places, I do feel bad about "wasting" the money. Many people say it's not a big deal; you do what you want with your stuff, so long as you're having fun. But I just feel like it's a kick in the face if someone gets you a gift and you just get rid of it eventually for something different.

It's probably true; it IS a kick in the face and I'd likely feel bad if someone did that with something that I gave them, too. But I can't really fault them for it, either. They were not happy enough with it at the time and just wanted something different; it's their choice. I can see it from both points of view.

I just feel like I'm being wasteful, is all. And I guess I am; I can't help it. It's crazy.

And honestly, that's a major part of why I like digital delivery, such as Xbox Live Arcade/Games On Demand, or even better, Steam. I can't go getting rid of games or throwing money away; I get games, they're mine forever and I can play them at a moment's notice without going to a store, waiting for shipping, or anything else. It helps me avoid being as wasteful, plus I get the added bonus of being lazy. What's not to love about digital distribution?

But really, I don't know. I feel bad about a lot of things tonight; just the mood I'm in. Maybe I'll be okay as the night goes on, but I feel like I'm being shaken up again. There's a lot of stuff going on in this crazy mind of mine lately. I just hope there's not another panic attack tonight.

Quickie

As a continuation of yesterday's post, I have a few more things to get off my chest for the moment.

First, there are people in this world that I would easily defend until the Earth's end. Those people are wonderful and without them, I would not be able to hang on very well, if at all. They are my primary support group and I proudly call them my friends. From the silent supporters to the most vocal advocates, you all make my life tolerable.

Now, I want to cover a kind of sub topic of something I talked about yesterday: Dependence. More specifically, the idea that I have to rely on others for transportation if I am to do anything in a timely fashion.

This came up as the result of a brief conversation with one of my favorite people. She is partially in the same boat and we feel the same way about this. To put it lightly, it sucks ass having to depend upon other people for transportation, among other things.

While there's not much I can do about it for the moment, the driving situation will always be problematic for me because of Tourette's Syndrome. It freakin' sucks and I don't exactly know how I'm going to handle the rest of my life without the ability to drive.

I mean, I do plan on obtaining my license one of these days. I just don't feel like it's a great idea to utilize said license as often as other people, despite the freedom it may bring. I don't want to veer off into the side of the road in a flurry of bad ticks and cause a serious accident. That's a serious problem, no matter how much some of you may roll your eyes, shrug and act like I'm making a big deal out of nothing; you have no idea what it's like, seriously.

This is one of the main problems in my life and in fact, it drags me down more than some people may think.

The other thing I really want to discuss this morning involves my physical appearance. More or less, the idea that I will always be big in some way because I am simply a big dude.

I've been losing weight at a steady pace, but I feel like it's just not enough. I've splurged a bit here and there, but most of the time I don't eat anywhere near the point of "too much" and I avoid unhealthy drinks, alcohol and many other very bad things. I don't even eat immense amounts of sweet stuff anymore. At least, not compared to what I used to consume!

Still, I feel like I'm at that point where I should be doing a bit more in an attempt to shave weight off a bit faster. I'm not asking for 20 pounds a week or something insane like that, but I'd like to drop a good 4-5 pounds each week, which is going to require quite a bit more effort. Motivation is key and really, that's what I lack.

I know the weight will come off over time. I'm losing weight at a steady enough pace to reach my goal eventually, so long as I stick with it and that's really not a problem. I'd just like to hit that goal at a faster pace and I'm having trouble pushing myself hard enough to take part in daily workouts with any sort of real intensity.

I guess you could say that I'm feeling a bit down on myself today. I feel unattractive and unwanted; just one of those days.

I'm done for now, though. Maybe I'll contribute more to this wall of text later today.

Terror

WARNING: This is an uncensored, unedited and "no holds barred" blog. I really need to vent. Most of you likely wont be offended, but a handful of you will see things here and question me, asking why I placed those things here. The answer is simple: Truth. I'm not going to hide in the shadows alone and deal with this stuff alone anymore. I need my support group, and my friends love me for who I am. If you don't like it, get out of my life and stay far away from me and my kind.

I love many parts of my life, but there are others that make me feel like an insignificant waste of space.

Everything from my place in my family to my brother's wedding, finances, jobs, death, health; just everything. I can't stop thinking about these things when my mind locks on to any of those various subjects, and it just keeps branching out until they've all been covered. It's overwhelming and I can't get these thoughts under control.

Lately, the most depressing thoughts are those of death, love (and love lost), favoritism, jobs and my place in various "circles". I just can't shake the thought of being worthless and eventually, dying off before my life has any sort of real meaning to anyone, myself included.

Perhaps it's just me being uncontrollably negative. Or, perhaps my life really is meaningless; I'm not sure. It's terrifying no matter which side I approach this from.

To kick this whole thing off, let me point out that I have indeed stayed completely away from alcohol. I have had no desire to drink even so much as a single beer or even one shot of vodka. There have indeed been a few nights of recreational fun, but those did not involve anything too dangerous. Panic attacks one time, yes, but that was the cause of a very badly planned night that took a quick turn for the worse and just kept spiraling downward. I will likely never forget that night, nor will I forgive the other person involved.

Overall, I've basically been sober and have not had an extreme desire to do any sort of drug. I've been having more than enough fun doing other things; I don't need to get blasted out of my mind to enjoy myself and I know that better now than I ever had in the past.

So anyway, right now, my brother's wedding is a very hot topic throughout our entire group of families and our various circles of mutual friends; rightfully so! I mean, my younger brother is freakin' getting married! It's almost hard to believe in some respects strictly because he's MY younger brother, ya' know? I'm proud of him and I'm beyond honored that he chose me of all people to be his best man, but I feel like he chose the wrong person. I don't drive, I have little to no money, I have very few ways of getting directly involved in many of the wedding processes; it's something I feel very bad about. He told me that he chose his best man for very good reasons, but I just feel like these are big shoes to fill and that I don't measure up when placed in such an important situation. I'm probably just overanalyzing things, but still; I feel bad.

As usual, my financial situation is driving me crazy as well. I've had terrible luck finding a job and I feel like I have no real options. My brain feels too fried and messed up these days to really dedicate myself to any sort of school, but getting a good enough job without school or 'official' experience is very difficult. And with the higher cost of living these days, as well as my steadily increasing age, this is more of a problem than it ever has been. Most people my age are already knee-deep into some sort of career, while I'm running on little to no 'official' experience, with no sort of college or other stuff to push my resume up a notch or five. I feel like I'm stuck. No one can really help me, but I feel like I can't help myself; as if I've fucked myself over for life and there's no turning back or getting out, no matter how hard I try; I'm doomed.

And then there's the issue of driving. I'm afraid of getting my license because I have so many damn physical ticks. All it would take is one badly timed tick and I'd be dead, along with anyone else that just so happens to be nearby on the road. I don't want to hurt anyone else, nor do I want to die as a result of something so ridiculous, but it's just the reality of the situation. I cannot control Tourette's Syndrome; it controls me. There's not a damn thing I can do about that and it makes my life a living hell sometimes.

My immediate family is also as much of a problem as it can be helpful. Some days, I feel like they hate me. It's as if I'm nothing more than a family dog and a personal punching bag to most of them. But then, there are other, although far more rare days, when they throw all sorts of money at me and try to be nice, as if they're trying to buy my respect and love instead of actually having conversations and trying to get along the right way.

Don't get me wrong here, either! I do appreciate all of the financial help that my family gives me. I would be screwed without them. But seriously, none of that justifies treating me like crap and discouraging me every single second of every single day. I honestly feel like a worthless waste of space around my family most of the time because the verbal abuse is out of hand. Even with stuff like weight loss; the proof is in the numbers, but they always deny it and act like I'm never going to succeed. It's always something, and a lot of my friends have witnessed this and keep telling me to get out of this house. I just wish it were that easy.

At least my friends are (mostly) awesome, though. Matt Collins, Reami, Matt Zoch, my brother; plenty of others are all awesome and they help me cope with everything. Even if it's just a simple night indoors playing video games and talking, or an awesome trip to Six Flags for some water park adventures; I have a great time and I don't really dwell on depressing things too much in those situations. I wish I could have my friends around 24/7, but that's not entirely possible! There are a few bad seeds, all of which are being cut out of my life, but those are far fewer these days than they used to be.

Another major issue has been my time with my ex-girlfriend, Emily Dean. Those of you that have met her have had many choice things to say, ranging from sweet to very harsh. The overall summary would be a massive negaitve opinion of both her and her family, but those opinions and who said what will be kept confidential.

That's not exactly the point, but it does relate to the situation. I was told by many people to avoid her after the first time we broke up, but I didn't listen. And yes, I was very well ready to move on at one point, but it only took one moment of stupidity for me to fall back into that trap. My feelings all started rushing back into my heart and I just couldn't say no to another shot. That shot, though, is exactly what's hurting my heart.

After all of that stuff she put me and others through, she came to the conclusion that she is not in love with me. Everyone was and still is baffled. No one understands; not even me. But it hurts and honestly, I suspect her family is the cause. They ruin everything, no matter how much they want to deny it. It's all or nothing in favor of their family, every single time. Everyone outside of their little bubble sees it, but inside of their bubble, everyone else is wrong. It's fucked up and they all need serious help.

One of the other recurring problems is, simply put, death. I keep imagining life without my parents, grandparents, brother, sister, various friends; everyone, myself included. I don't want anyone to fade away, but death is inevitable. Eventually, everyone must go and I do not wish this to be fact. It's hard to come to terms with such things after death has been thrown in my face multiple times over the past few years. All I can keep thinking is, who's next? When will they die? Why will they die? How will life change when that person is gone?

It's freakin' terrifying, above and beyond all else. My mind is a screwed up and very morbid place, but this topic is easily the most destructive of them all. I can't shake the creep of death and I don't know how to escape these thoughts; maybe I can't. I just don't know, but I'm afraid of death taking anyone close to me.

It's all too much. My life is one big terror-filled ride that I just can't escape. That's just life, I guess, but I hope things get better.

For now, I'm done. We'll see how long it takes me to add to this blog. It seems like my breaks keep getting longer and longer.

Visions Of Death

"When I feel that something, I want to hold your hand."

     Right now, that's sort of how I feel. I can't escape this very dark and lonely space. When I reach out for help, there's no response; physical or otherwise. My mind has been wandering into the farthest reaches of depression and I see no viable escape.

     All of this has been the result of several serious scares. Primarily, the heart attacks of both of my parents. They both had them within' the time span of the same year, surgery included. They were both told to stop smoking, cut out caffeine and quit drinking, but what happened? Not a damn thing. They both still smoke a lot. They both still have alcoholic drinks and beer whenever they want. They both still drink tons of coffee on a daily basis with a whole lot of sugar. They are effectively killing themselves without regard to the world or people around them.

What about their grand kids?

What about their children?

What about their parents?

What about their siblings?

     I'm scared, to put it lightly. Not only for myself, but also for everyone else. The death of either or both of my parents will be a huge loss when that time comes, but that time does not have to be right now.

     What can I possibly do about this situation? I've confronted them, only to be met with laughs, pity trips and other such things. They even go as far as to contradict what they've previously said and done. It's one big circle and there are no breaks.

     There are many other things on my mind, but this is what's really been bothering me. Death surrounds us, but it's getting far too close to my own heart at this point and I don't know how to proceed.

     I'll consider writing more later, but for now, good night.

Too Much

All right, I think I'll spill the beans. Prepare for a rather dark and depressing ramble.

As many of you know, I've been experiencing a serious bout of depression. I've shared bits and pieces with various people, but I've yet to share the entirety of what has been keeping me grounded in a very dark place.

First, I want to point out that the general life stuff is definitely a part of this. Who doesn't factor those things in, after all? Such things include trouble finding another job, family stress, lack of money, trouble with sleep, inability to concentrate, loss of direction; all of those various things. That stuff comes and goes, but it's always the tip of the iceberg when shit hits the fan; it's what sets me over the top and makes me crack.

Next, my Mother and I rarely get along, but she had a heart attack about a month ago. Dad also had one a few months back. What does this mean? A lot, actually. I was not told about any of this stuff until after the fact, I was not invited to see either of them when they were hospitalized and the threat of possibly losing both of my parents within' a small period of time out of nowhere is pretty damn terrifying. Not only was I quite sad that my own family did not wish to include me when such devastating things happened, but I was also dealing with the possibility of losing both of my parents. Heart attacks are just the beginning of the end, as I've heard. Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but I can't shake that creeping feeling.

Then there's the issue of my health. Yes, I'm a big guy, but that's not exactly what I'm referring to. I'm more referring to my constant wrist/arm pain, the back issues I've had for a very long time (which are not related to my weight; I have a serious back spasm problem), Asthma, Tourette's Syndrome, terrible allergies, insane anxiety/panic disorder, dry eye syndrome (not that bad usually, but combined with allergies, it sucks), serious sleeping problems (sometimes it's too much, sometimes it's very little or even not at all), my knees/ankles/tendons/neck all have problems; I'm a freakin' mess. I even have heart problems. I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow.

Now, we come to another big problem: Relationships. My most recent ex-girlfriend, as pretty much everyone knows by now, is crazy. I gave her many chances; perhaps far too many. Even recently, I talked to her for a brief period of time, met up with her and gave her a chance to speak her mind. I had hoped to see some sort of change, or that things would just end there for good; neither of those things happened.

However, the real point here is that she wont leave me alone. Ever. Not a day goes by in which I hear that she's mentioned me, asked about me or tried to message me on MySpace, or from a new e-mail account. She is desperate to hear back from me, even after I've told her that we are incompatible and that I just don't have any interest in being with someone that cannot stop lying. And before you question this, I mean it. She literally lies about everything; even stupid things that people shouldn't care about, sometimes including such things as what she's had to eat, or what video game she may be playing. It's outrageous.

Still, she will not get the hint. She just keeps getting on my case, trying to get my friends and family to leak information and forcing her way into my life in any way that she can. And you know what? It's freakin' annoying! It adds a whole layer of stress that I never thought possible.

And on top of that? I've genuinely taken interest in two different people since I ended things between Emily and I. One of them kind of faded out, which I guess is fine, although disappointing. But the other? She led me to believe that there was some sort of emotion there. Not love; not on either end, but definitely something. She went on a date, she acted very interested and even gave off all of those small physical signals that say, "I'm comfortable with you and I want to see where this goes".

As it turns out, she's a liar. She was telling other people that she's into someone else, has 0 feelings for me and was "under the impression that she was hanging out with me and other friends". Right. I specifically asked her to go out on a date to see a movie and get some ice cream, clarified that it was a date and pointed out that it was just her and I; no others, no double date; nothing. I've never removed someone from my life so quick. Block, block and more block! Not interested in that kinda' mess!

The final issue that I will discuss for the day is friendship. Now, you may be curious as to why this is on the list at all. Isn't friendship a great thing? And you would be right to question this, as friendship is definitely supposed to be a fantastic thing. But lately, there have been some serious problems that have been causing me to rethink the status of friendship with various people.

Stating that whether or not a movie, song or game is good or bad is a fact, not an opinion? Screw that. Constantly asking me to do things that I'm known to dislike? No thanks. Twisting my words around and/or "putting words into my mouth"? Pass. Being disrespectful of my property, or personal space? Not interested. Getting upset at me for turning down an invite to do something I just don't feel like doing? Grow up.

Now, I realize that no one is perfect. I have flaws just like everyone else. There are times when I'm pretty damn unresponsive to almost everyone because I'm either busy or I just don't feel like talking. If I don't feel like talking, it is what it is. I need my time and space. And my major problem is my memory. No joke; I forget to reply later when I'm feeling better or am no longer busy. It sucks, but that's just how I am. I hate it just as much as everyone else.

I also realize that I have good friends in many ways. They do things for me. They try to help when they can. Most of them are good listeners, even if they don't have much to say back. And I absolutely love my friends, but shit, chill out.

Dinner is ready, so I'm off to eat and then perhaps take a trip to Best Buy. I'm done rambling for now. Have a good one, whoever you are.

-S

Anticipation: A gamer's best friend AND worst enemy

With games Saint's Row: The Third, Gears of War 3 and The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, 2011 was definitely a wonderful year. There was plenty of good gaming crammed into the handful of awesome games, but I definitely felt as though 2011 was a serious let down.

I had a lot of fun with Saint's Row, Gears, Skyrim, MW3, the BF3 campaign, Disgaea 4, White Knight Chronicles II and a handful of other games, but there was also lot of time spent playing my backlog and various Xbox Live Arcade games just to fill the gaps in between the few good new releases.

I wont sit here and give you a rundown of details, but I would definitely give Saint's Row: The Third and Disgaea 4 my "Game Of The Year" award; it's a tie between the two. Both games had me going for quite some time, and neither were annoying or unfun at any point.

While 2012 looks to be an amazing year for gamers across the globe, 2011 definitely had it's moments.

So far, Kingdoms of Amalur: Recknoning, Syndicate, Mario Party 9 and Mass Effect 3 have dropped, with Resident Evil: Operation Racoon City coming out a week from now. Throw in Silent Hill: Downpour tomorrow, Silent Hill HD Collection later this month and many other games coming throughout the rest of the year, which includes Resident Evil 6 and a new Devil May Cry, and you're looking at one very happy Steve.

I feel like I've already had more fun this year than I did last year just due to sheer anticipation! Who knows, though? That could all change when the games actually hit store shelves. Some of them can and most likely will turn out far worse than expected, while other games will be unexpected surprises.

The new Nintendo console, currently titled the "Wii-U", is also set for a release a bit later in the year. With around 3 times the power of the current generation of gaming consoles, a slew of new features, a more streamlined controller and the supposed definitive versions of multiconsole releases, it's hard not to be excited, even if only to see what happens in application upon the console's release and the following first few months of it's lifespan.

I guess, in the end, we'll just have to see what happens. But one thing's for sure: I'm as excited as ever!

Over and out!

Summarized Update

There has been quite a lot going on, but for the most part, I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was during the final months of year 2011.

Anyone that's been in touch with me over the past year can attest to the fact that 2011 was a year filled with grief, most of which came from two specific sources; my most recent ex-girlfriend and my family. There were also a few other serious things thrown into the mix, some of which are still lingering.

Now, that ex-girlfriend is no longer a problem and while my family has indeed been obnoxious, I've tried my best to lay low just a bit. This approach seems to help my sanity. To what end, I'm not certain. But I can tell you that I am indeed a happier person.

I am still unemployed, but rather than drive myself and everyone around me insane with complaints, I've tried my best to keep to myself and remain occupied. Applications, video games, social gatherings, long conversations, working out, writing; anything I can find to keep myself busy.

This has all led to a sort of restructuring of my circles. My inner circle remains mostly unchanged, while virtually everyone else has been shifted around. While I do miss how close I once was with a few of them, I cannot force things. That's just now how friendship works. So, given the circumstances, the end result has been fairly positive. I could use more direct social interaction with a few specific people, though.

My current state of mind isn't so bad, although I feel an anxiety attack settling in. Hopefully a few cookies, a glass of water and some light music will help.

I was going to write more, but I've been watching tech videos on YouTube for about an hour and a half. Such is life!

Until next time...