Gun Law Rant

     Okay, I think it's time to chime in on this whole "American Rights" thing and how gun laws do or do not relate to this...

     First of all, I am all for the ability to own some sort of gun(s) and other various forms of weaponry, but I do feel as though there should be restrictions. Why does a civilian need access to high calibur weaponry? What use do we really have for that sort of thing, realistically?

     Honestly, you can argue against that point all day long, but the fact of the matter is that, aside from hunting weaponry and basic pistols, no one truly has a need for any of this stuff outside of law enforcement, military and other such groups.

     That said, I completely agree with the new changes to gun law. They have not taken away our rights to own weapons. They've simply added more restrictions to prevent abuse, just like they have with beer/alcohol, cigarettes and even other forms of weaponry over the course of US history.

     Do these restrictions remove all potential for abuse? No! No one ever claimed they would! But have they reduced the overall percentage of abuse? Historically speaking, yes, and I believe that this will indeed be the case with the new changes to gun law.

     None of this is about taking away rights and it certainly doesn't have an overall negative impact on the country as a whole. Everyone will learn to accept this stuff, just as they have in the past, and life will go on and it will do so in a safer way. To what extent, I don't know, but even if it's extremely minor, it's still better than no positive impact at all.

     As for blaming the president, none of this is any specific president's fault. People just like to whine and point fingers at the mascot instead of actually doing research and grasping the idea that there are FAR more players in the political game. The same goes with any other problem that this country faces. Oil prices, for example, have nothing to do with the president and in fact, we can't even do a whole lot to impact that.

     Still, at the end of the day, there are always going to be people on either side of each debate. But it's true that many are misinformed; usually because of the media. Many people choose to believe what they see on their television(s), or what they read in the first article they come across. In many cases, it is not even the fault of any single person. The media is very powerful, after all, but only because we give them that power.

     However, there are those that choose to be ignorant on their own terms, and sadly, their numbers grow every day. It's the way of the world, and it will remain as such until we blow ourselves up.

     I could go on about this all day, but I think I've said enough for the moment.

     And with that, I'm off! Take it easy, folks!

Cricket

It's been a while, but I figured I'd catch everyone up on the job situation!

On Superbowl Sunday, Reami called me and told me to be at Cricket by 10AM because her boss was giving me a shot at a new job. This was obviously very last minute, and I was excited, nervous and a bit worried. We made it work, though, and I went in for my first day.

Well, it was a major success! After two days, I was already given a key and told to run my own store. I was obviously astonished, as I'd never been given that much freedom or power in a public workplace. I was excited, but also baffled!

Of course, this led to a lot of worrying, anxiety and sleep adjustment, but it all worked out nicely. Reami and I are even running the store together, using alternating shifts to allow us each to actually have lives. It's awesome working with one of your best friends, and even more so when it involves stuff that I enjoy!

Now, I realize that I'm not exactly making bank with this job under the current schedule, and also that Cricket Wireless is not the world's greatest cell phone company. It's still a very relaxed job, though, and allows me to mess with electronics and talk to people all day long, which is all I could ask for, really!

Also, I should probably mention that there was one close-to-dangerous hiccup, which I don't really want to go in depth about right now, but it appears to have been resolved and everything should be fine long term!

Suffice it to say, my new job has pretty much been my life for nearly a month. My first actual pay day is just around the corner, and I am SO ready to actually have money again, even if a large portion is going directly to bills!

For now, I think I'm done, but I'll try to keep up with this blog a bit more regularly from now on. More frequent short posts as opposed to rare multi-page posts will do me some good, I think!

Thanks for stopping by!

My first "massive" blog of 2013

Today, like many days, I woke up to the annoying sounds of my nephew. But wait! There was a change! IT WAS 5 IN THE FREAKIN' MORNING! And then he went at it again at 8!

Suffice it to say, I didn't sleep as much as I'd hoped and I'm feeling kinda' grumpy and annoyed.

Anyway, I've had a lot of time to reflect on things lately. There's quite a bit on my mind, including some old demons that have come back to haunt me yet again. I'll be discussing everything, even if nearly no one will actually read this in it's entirety.

But first, I need to get a few things out of the way...

Sometimes, what I have to say may offend people, or even hurt them. In most cases, this is literally caused by their lack of proper interpretation and a major twisting of words, to the point that what was said had been completely taken out of context. This is mostly a girl thing, as I rarely experience this problem with guys, but it's one of the single most obnoxious and frustrating things out there, period.

Girls, if we say something, we generally stand by it. There is almost never some sort of crazy message to decipher, and we almost never mean things in the crazy way that you tend to interpret them. Twisting words around, or even outright adding simple words to change the entire meaning of what we actually say is a totally pointless thing and only drives people insane.

On the subject of misinterpretation and twisting things around, I think I need to say this: OPINIONS ARE NOT FACTS. They are also generally not a reason to lash out, unless they involve something like racism or other serious matters that actually MEAN something. Essentially ripping your friends apart, calling them names or even outright questioning their sexuality just because they enjoy something is downright stupid. Disagree with someone all day long, but keep it respectful, and even more so when it involves those you care about.

And finally, I need to let this out. STOP BLAMING OTHER THINGS FOR YOUR LACK OF PARENTAL SKILLS! If your child is a violent douchebag that never does as he/she is told, it's only because YOU raised them to be as such! YOU chose to let them stay up late at night for an adult horror film! YOU chose to purchase them those new violent video games! It's YOUR FAULT, as the parent, and there is no excuse! Rating systems exist for a reason, so start using them!

Now that I've covered those bases, it's time to go a bit deeper...

Cutting all of the crap, we all know that I attempted suicide during the summer of 2012. I was hospitalized and came out of there feeling like a totally different person for a while. And heck, to this day, I still don't really feel like myself in some ways.

What's important about that, if it's old news?

I'm starting to unravel a bit. I feel depressed quite often, and at times, even to the point that I don't want to leave my bed. Just getting by has become a chore, and I'm seriously beginning to question what the point of my life may really be.

Why am I here?
What good do I put into this world?

I mean, seriously. What's the point? My own mother has told me twice now that she wishes I'd have succeeded, and I'm told all sorts of other negative things on an almost daily basis.

If my own family isn't supportive, who do I really have?

I feel as though I have great friends, but unfortunately, my closest friends are no good at dealing with this stuff. Sometimes, a few particular people even tend to lash out and make me feel worse.

I don't need that kind of negative influence. I already have enough of that. I am not the kind of person that deals with this sort of stuff easily, and sometimes, yes, I need a shoulder to lean on.

But is said shoulder available? Rarely. I usually tough things out on my own until I break down, which results in all sorts of madness. There's no balance to my chaos, and it really sucks.

As for the reasons...

Well, the first and more obvious reason is my immediate family as a whole, and for the same reasons I've been going on about forever.

Every day, I wake up to the sounds of my nephew acting like a jackass and insulting everyone because he doesn't get his way. This continues later, and likely several times until he does eventually get his way, regardless of what "his may" involves at the time.

Every day, my own mother insults me and rips me apart for no real reason. If I tell her I've lost some weight, she shakes her head in disgust and tells me "No you haven't. Stop lying." in a serious tone, and seriously keeps going, putting me down as far as she can. If I so much as attempt to defend myself, I get yelled at for being a bad son, and she questions me, asking what kind of son would ever act that way, talking herself up to be some amazing and supportive mother, and acting like she never said or did anything wrong. She then proceeds to say she can't take this, and throws a pity party about her bad heart.

Yes, it's true; she has a bad heart. But she was told by her doctor to stop smoking and to stop drinking coffee or it could be the death of her. She still does it, and complains that her heart is racing, or having trouble or whatever.

But this brings about yet another point: Despite how messed up this situation is, I don't want to lose my parents. No one does, I know, but it's all I've ever known. It's a scary though.

And on the other side of this, if they go, the kids are screwed, and for the time being, so are my sister and I.

And you know what? She and my stepfather support me financially. It's true. But emotionally? They break me down to the point that I literally feel worthless. No amount of money will fix that. So I'm torn here, and it eats me up every second of every day.

And Dad? Well, that in itself is yet another piece of this maddening puzzle that I call a life.

He's the most intentionally annoying person I've ever met, and most people will tell you that it's just "how he is". He likes to annoy people, and does it constantly. But what most people will never tell you is that he has always had this sort of disrespect and what almost seems like hatred for me. Like, I seriously feel as though he doesn't care about me because I'm not his blood.

He tries to stand in my way constantly, denies me any opportunity that he has any control of and literally calls me worthless, fat and other various things. He's only even civil to me because he has to be when he's in certain situations.

And again, he has the same heart problems as Mom, and was also told the same things by his doctor, but then turned around and kept going about his usual business. He's even worse, though, and smokes a LOT of cigarettes. He even wakes up many times throughout the night just to take a smoke break. HE WAKES UP JUST TO SMOKE. That's BAD.

Both of my parents treat me like garbage, and act like I'm more of an expensive family dog than a human being or a part of this family. I don't even know what else to say about them.

My sister is just as bad, though, but for different reasons...

Now, almost everyone I know that's met her simply does not like her. They act civil and are nice to her because they have to be; it's a respect thing. Their reasons for disliking her tend to be similar, typically based around her attitude/personality and her lack of parental skill.

She doesn't have any regard for the feelings of those around her, and only pretends to do so at times when she wants to be a part of soemthing. She is the definitive attention whore, and is perhaps the greediest, self-centered, self-righteous and stuck up person I've ever met. She can never be wrong, everyone else is alway wrong, and she always has tons of mean stuff to say about every single person she comes across.

And yes, that probably means you. She talks trash about every family member and friend she's ever had.

To give you an idea of the sort of person she is, let me paint a picture based on a conversation she had with Mom the other day...

Mom was getting on my sister's case over her cell phone. She ignores her kids, and the world around her in favor of playing games, texting and surfing the web on her phone. I mean, it's BAD. She literally will let her 2 year old child scream and cry downstairs in her crib when she wakes up from a nap because she's texting or playing a game. When questioned, she simply says "She'll be fine!" and keeps going about her business for 10-20 minutes. That's an ETERNITY for a small child, all alone in a pitch black basement.

So, moving on, my sister actually tried to bring me into the argument, saying that she's not the only one of my mother's children that lives here. She promptly proceeded to compare herself to me, claiming that it's "the same thing" and that I should be forced to do a whole lot more.

Mom wrote that off for once, and starting saying that having 3 children live here, which are more or less under the care of both her and dad half the time, is completely different. They break shit, they ruin the house, they keep us up, they cost a LOT of money; all sorts of stuff.

My sister's defense? "What? No, it IS the same thing! I live here, just like him, and that's it! My kids having nothing to do with this!"

And so when Mom really got into it, my sister called her a bitch and acted like we should all throw her a pity party.

My sister has this extreme sense of entitlement with everything. If our mother wont watch her children for a night, she throws a fit until our mother breaks down and does it anyway. She seriously feels like our parents "owe" this to her, and that she should not have to, you know, raise her own children.

The kids, though? On a good day, both of the girls are not too bad, but my nephew is almost always atrocious. A "good" day for him is like, one or two fits instead of a billion.

But yeah, to break this down a bit, I've become closer to my oldest niece recently, which is nice, but my nephew and I have never been farther apart. I refuse to support his attitude and his behavior, so I no longer allow him to come play video games with me, or even so much as come sit and watch my niece play.

I told him several times, if he kept acting the way he did, he would no longer be allowed to do those things. And I also warned him that I'm not like his mother or grandmother; I will stand by these things. He didn't believe me, kept going and now, he doesn't even try. He knows I wont allow him in her until I've seen him change his ways and treat people with respect.

But will he change? Not without proper guidance, and I can't do that alone. My family wont let me. So, he's pretty much screwed. He'll grow up to be a woman beater, a murderer or something else that's just as bad.

My youngest niece loves me to pieces, so there's always that. She always asks to come see me, and she lights up whenever she does. She's my little girl and she knows it.

And again, my oldest niece is always nice to me and tries to come hang out with me almost every day. The girls are fine, and I appreciate that. It's just my nephew, but I worry about that...

Is he a lost cause? What will actually become of him?

I mean, what the heck?

He's 8 years old and plays games like Grand Theft Auto, Saint's Row, Call of Duty; mature games. I wouldn't even let an early teen play something along the lines of Saint's Row, and DEFINITELY not an 8 year old!

He tells adults to shut their mouth, disobeys what they tell him, argues absolutely everything, always has to be right and throws extreme fits over absolutely everything. Even if he drops a single piece of candy, he screams, yells and throws a loud temper tantrum that you would liken to that of being in serious danger. It's outrageous.

My family is, in a word, ridiculous.

But there is one positive member...

My brother is awesome, and we bond when we can. We typically go out to eat, catch up and discuss random stuff in the process. It's a weekly/bi-weekly thing and I hope it continues indefinitely, as he is the one star of this family, and the person I value most in this entire world. If anything ever happened to him, I'd probably lose my shit.

When he and his wife were married, although I hid it well with my shades, I shed a few tears. That day meant as much to me as it did to him, and I was happier than I'd been for a very long time. The fact that he chose me as his best man made it that much better. He's such a great guy, and I'm thankful to have him in my life.

Family isn't the only part of life, though, and I have quite a bit more to cover.

On the medical side, I'm extremely worried and also being driven to the brink of insanity.

Not only is my personal case of anxiety getting worse, but so is my Tourette's Syndrome. It manifests itself constantly, and my ticks are growing much stronger. I can barely keep my eyes open when I start the face-straining ticks. It's bothering me to no end.

But more importantly, I've been having a lot of weird issues with my body that I cannot get checked out because I have no insurance. Serious stuff, like weird feelings in my arms/shoulders, pulses in my head, rapidly declining vision, entire bodyparts going numb when I lay in certain positions and even major heart problems. It's getting out of hand, and I can't get PAC because my parents claim me on their taxes.

That's not even counting my serious case of depression, the panic attacks caused by my anxiety, my random ear infections, trouble breathing (as well as asthma itself), allergies and all sorts of other things. I'm a freakin' wreck!

And honestly, I'm terrified! I don't want to die, but what if that's what's going on? What if I don't even live to see 30? I don't know what to expect at this point, and this is another one of those things that I cannot stop thinking about!

Financially, I also lack... well, everything. I STILL apply for jobs almost daily, but I've obviously had no luck; not even a single phone call or interview. This is becoming a major problem as well. I'd at least be better off if I had like $10,000 to pay off backed up medical bills from the ER and such, but that's not a sum of money that people just randomly come in to. I wish, though.. I really wish.

And mentally, the final nail in my proverbial coffin; I feel worthless. It's that simple, and I don't think I need to say much more about it.

That's not to mention the fact that I have no license, and likely wouldn't use one even if I had it. My facial straining ticks are so damn bad anymore that I'd probably die the second I hit the road. It's sad, too, because I think cars are pretty awesome. This obviously makes getting around a problem, though...

And with that, I think it's time to get into the whole love life thing. I'm sure some of you have been curious about this, as I haven't really talked about it for a while, but here goes nothing...

I've been talking to many people, reaching out and just sort of taking things as they come. I have not actively been seeking a relationship, but if one were to sort of just happen, I would not complain. I just can't actively seek one because I don't have the resources, transportation or confidence. That's where I'm at.

There is one problem, though: My ex. And yes, THAT ex; the one that's become a serious nuisance.

See, I've given her a chance to talk. I've drunk texted/called her, which was a bad idea. That was my own mistake and it definitely led into unsurprising territory, where we set up a date to hang out and she bailed out. I own up to it and I admit my fault; no running from this.

BUT! I can safely say that I'd never initiate such contact with her on sober terms, and most of the time, I don't even attempt it if I'm drinking; not that I drink much anymore to begin with.

But anyway, whether or not I drunk dial/text her, she wont leave me alone. She constantly sends me text messages, and asks people about me. She fishes for information about me on a daily basis. She stalks the hell out of me on Facebook, too, using accounts of family members/friends.

The bottom line is this: I'm over her, but I feel obligated to follow through if I do something stupid and drunk text/dial her. My reasoning is that I don't like to be a liar, and I dislike the idea of doing to others what she has done to me. It's not exactly the best reason, but that's just how it is.

Is it sad? Perhaps. And I definitely don't feel any sort of attachment or true love for her anymore. That likely will never be possible unless she does a complete 180 and becomes a totally different person.

I mean, come on, she still makes up stories, lies constantly and acts like it's totally okay. She is, for all intents and purposes, both an adult child and a sociopath. No one wants to be with that sort of person.

We all get lonely, though...

So yeah, to recap: 99% of the time, I do not talk to her, even for a second. When I do talk to her, it tends to be the result of alcohol at very crazy hours, when no one else is awake. I start feeling lonely, anxiety settles in and it just sort of happens. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is and that's life.

Although, if I knew someone else were awake at crazy hours like that, I'd likely call that person instead. Just throwing that out there!

Moving along, there are several people that I look forward to, but of them, I only tend to have lengthy conversations with one person recently. That person is Sara. She is hilarious, and our conversations tend to keep me laughing and at least in a somewhat better mood even during the craziest of hours. She's a cool lady, and a major part of why I've actually left my bed every day instead of simply staying there. Even though she probably wont ever see or read this: Thank you, Sara! You're more of a help than you realize, for sure!

Also, I do miss my "all day long" conversations with a certain someone, though. It was hard to stay sad when that was a daily factor. It was almost like medicine. I had to have it or I couldn't go about my day! I guess things change, though. I'm not happy about this, but I don't know what to do about it to fix stuff long term...

I don't know, there is quite a bit of stuff I could get into at this point that just feels... wrong. At least, right now it does. If the mood strikes, I'll get into those other things another day.

For now, though, this is it. I hope this catches some of you up. I'm alive... barely!

Football - Posers

Okay, I have to get this out before my head pops off.

Why the hell does everyone think it's "cool" to like football?

I understand that there are many people out there whom appreciate some sort of sport, if not all of them, and genuinely care about the game, their favorite team(s) and know all of the rules.

However, there are far too many people that simply cheer and scream, pretending to be all hardcore just for the sake of being a part of something and honestly, I think it's downright pathetic.

I get it, okay? Everyone wants to be a part of something. Not a single person LIKES to feel lonely or detached.

But again, what the hell?

My own mother and sister used to rip on sports all of the time, telling my stepdad to "TURN THAT SHIT OFF!" constantly. They hated on it, and acted like sports were the bane of all existence; kind of like me.

Now, though? Yeah, they go crazy. They don't know jack shit about the rules or the game, or even anything more than who the famous players are. They cheer, scream and act like jackasses just because it's the "cool thing to do" these days.

I just don't get it, and I suppose I never will, but come on people! If you appreciate it for what it is, and you are a genuine fan, respect! But if not? Go find a new hobby and stop being a poser. It's far too obvious and only makes you look like a moron.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more loud music to blare through my headphones!

9/23/2012

2012 has been a very intense year.

In some ways, it's been one of the most important and fantastic years I've lived through. But on the other hand, there are other reasons that make this one of the worst years of my life, too.

I'm trying my best to remain happy, but there are times when it's not easy to retain my grip on reality. And before I continue, I'm doing very well, all things considered. A lot of options for change have been presented and I'm doing what I can to have a more positive outlook. Some of my friends have been wonderful support, and I will never be able to thank them enough for that. They know who they are, and I love them all.

But really, that stuff is for another post. This one is dedicated to something truly amazing that has happened.

Recently, there has been a major change. This change involves my awesome brother and his fantastic lady, Rita. In short, they were married. I was Mat's best man, and it was the most beautiful wedding I've ever been a part of. They were and are as happy as couples come, and I know in my heart that those two are meant for each other. It was only a matter of time before they tied the knot! Many girls dream of having a fairy tale wedding, and Rita definitely fulfilled that dream!

Ladies and gentlemen, they were married on a freakin' boat! A beautiful boat with an open bar, tons of top quality food, an awesome DJ and very fancy decor. The top of the boat even looked like a damn modern social club in some ways. It was SO awesome! Reami and I even stepped out at one point and had the chance to see the sun setting over the water, right in front of us, as soon as we opened the door. How often do you get to say that you "stumbled into" a sun set on the open sea while at an amazing wedding? Never in our case, that's for damn sure!

Everyone had a fantastic time. It was surely a day that none of us will ever forget.

Mr. & Mrs. Tyc - September 23, 2012. Enjoy your lives together, guys!

Change...why?

Once upon a time, I was innocent. It's true. As with all life, I started innocent and even lasted longer than most before giving in to the darkness of my desires.

I loathed drugs, alcohol and the idea of ever risking one's own health for the sake of a quick high. I never lied. I never considered any sort of theft. I trusted everyone without question. I didn't cheat. I was as innocent and reserved as they came, and so much so that I felt it difficult to express myself. I simply did not speak of what troubled me, ever.

I look back and wonder what went wrong. How did I change so much? I do things that I know I should not be doing, even after questioning myself. It's like an impulse to just do the wrong thing.

Now, before we continue, let it be known that I am by no means a cheat or a constant liar. That's not what I'm getting at. I'm just far different from my younger self, and I cannot control some of these terrible impulses.

I've been good about the whole alcohol thing. I've planned my CompTIA training. I've cut out quite a few people that were only making my life worse. I mean, I've really been putting effort into creating a better future for myself.

Still, I keep doing the wrong thing. At least, from my own perspective. But really, I'm not sure what "right" really means anymore.

I don't feel like I can truly vent here or anywhere about those things that trouble me. I'm conflicted. But really, how can I have any sort of hope, or faith in myself, when I can't even trust myself? I just don't know anymore...

I'm Doomed

Well, today has certainly been... interesting.

I was not expecting to have old feelings resurfacing all over again. This would not be the first time that this has happened, of course, but in this particular case, there is an associated sense of hopelessness that I just can't shake.

For the sake of anonymity, I will not give any names today, but I really was not expecting this sudden change of course.

Anyhow, the person in question asked me today if I still experienced any of the same feelings for her that I once did, and if so, exactly how strong they are.

As she asked the question, many feelings started to resurface, while others seemed to remain dormant, but the answer was still a resounding "Yes."

I thought about it for a second after she asked, which quickly led down a relatively sad path. I didn't really want to dwell on it, but it kind of happened and just like that, well.. I'm here writing this, aren't I?

And as for how much I still care about her? Well, a lot. I do still have feelings for her, but they are nowhere near as strong as they used to be in some ways, despite being even stronger in others.

To be fair, I clearly have mixed feelings.

On one hand, I feel a deep connection with her that I really don't think I've ever felt for anyone; at least in this particular way. It's not something that can really be explained, but it's there.

But on the other hand, I know that there's no real hope. She would never want to be with me, no matter how thin, fit, rich, successful, close or happy I were to ever be. She's said so herself, and it did hurt quite a lot at one point in time. It's one of the most discouraging and hurtful things that anyone has ever said to me, even if she didn't actually want to hurt me in saying so.

Still, acceptance took a while, but it did happen. I was able to recover, move on and live just fine without even thinking about her for a long while. I dated a few times and even went back to that psychotic ex-girlfriend of mine, but in the end, I was left alone and sad.

Even as I sit here writing this, I am still upset over my most recent ex-girlfriend. She did quite a few things to me and this time, it was partially my own fault for actually giving in and letting her have another chance, knowing full well that she would only screw me over again.

I don't really know how to handle this situation. It's true that things are not awkward between her and I, we have a great friendship and we both know that we'll be there for each other forever. That's just how it is and always will be. But honestly, there's still that part of me that will always hope for more, even knowing that it just wont happen because she has absolutely no interest.

It's almost like being the male best friend in any number of movies. He doesn't stand a chance, but he's hopelessly in love with his female best friend. And in some movies, he may get the girl. But in others, you know it wont happen; it can't. It's not meant to be. They're just friends and that's how things will remain for eternity.

It's both amazing and terrible. The friendship will always be wonderful, but I feel like I'll always be cursed by my feelings.

I wish there were a way that I could just wish away my feelings, so that I could remain perfectly content with friendship and never crave more. Too bad it's not possible, huh?

I will say this, though: She always makes me laugh, and we share many wonderful moments that just don't compare to those that I share with most other people. Only a small selection of people make me feel this comfortable, and she's right there at the top. I can't get enough of her, and it sucks balls that she doesn't feel the same way.

And for the record, I have a few other wonderful friends. Reami is indeed the coolest female friend a guy could ever ask for. But it's different with her; I don't have feelings like this. She's like the awesome sister that I wish I had my entire life, while the other person is someone that I feel like I could actually spend my life with. I feel like we really are that compatibe, and I've always felt that way. I guess she doesn't see it that way, though.

This whole thing makes absolutely no sense. I don't know what's wrong with me. I always seem to put myself in the most hopeless situations. It's almost like my brain craves things that it can never have, and ONLY those things. I just don't get it.

Oh well. That's life. I'll sleep on it and hopefully forget about it in the morning. Or at the very least, I'll deal with it. Things will be okay. I know they will. But I really wish I could come out on top and obtain what I really want. I guess I'm just doomed in this case.